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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I don't go on the hen do?

202 replies

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 14:04

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

OP posts:
HummingbirdChandelier · 13/04/2024 17:02

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 17:01

I put a message in the group chat earlier to confirm my decision - message was read by the bride almost immediately and then I was deleted from the group! 🙄

Jeez 🙈

Wedg · 13/04/2024 17:02

Totally fine for you to prefer not to go or to leave DD, but they're her exams and not yours.

You can't do them for her any more than her cramming that weekend will make a big difference. Getting in the right mindset and spacing out the learning is much more important, but that's happening now.

If you'd have gone on a long weekend away over Easter or now, and if you've already committed, there shouldn't be a problem in June.

DappledThings · 13/04/2024 17:03

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 17:01

I put a message in the group chat earlier to confirm my decision - message was read by the bride almost immediately and then I was deleted from the group! 🙄

Pathetic idiots. You're better off out of a group like that.

SoWhat21 · 13/04/2024 17:04

Not a chance I’d go on these circumstances. I suppose you could fly out the Friday night come back Sunday but tbh I wouldn’t even do that. The weekend between exams is stressful even if the earlier ones have gone well. If they had gone badly she may need support and calming down to allow her to focus on the upcoming ones.

therealcookiemonster · 13/04/2024 17:04

what is it about weddings that turn otherwise reasonable adults into entitled twats

OP stick to your guns.

Notreat · 13/04/2024 17:05

It's about providing emotional support and just being there for her daughter during a very stressful time. I don't think any caring parent would go away on a jolly at a time when their child will clearly need them.

GwinGwyn · 13/04/2024 17:05

Stick to your guns, she’s being unbelievably childish. Your actual child needs you, good on you for putting them first.

RampantIvy · 13/04/2024 17:06

Notreat · 13/04/2024 17:05

It's about providing emotional support and just being there for her daughter during a very stressful time. I don't think any caring parent would go away on a jolly at a time when their child will clearly need them.

Some people are clearly lacking in empathy if they don't get this.

BlondeFool · 13/04/2024 17:08

I didn't go to my best friends 50th as my daughter like yours had exams on the Friday and Monday. My friend totally understood.

Original poster
windywillowss · 13/04/2024 17:08

I've messaged the bride separately to explain but so far no response. We've been friends for 20 years!

DD was quite anxious during her mocks earlier this year so I'm not sure how she'll be during the real exams. She asked me to test her every night too so that's likely to happen again.

If anything I want to make sure she's had a proper breakfast and doesn't sleep through her alarm on the Monday!

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/04/2024 17:11

My family left me during my GCSEs and went on holiday. I felt abandoned tbh and was very upset; I still remember the feeling-as well as trying to pretend I was ok with it as my narc mother would have made my life even worse otherwise.

DPotter · 13/04/2024 17:12

You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

I totally get that your DD will need low level constant support (thank you to the pp who used this phrase - sums up the situation just right).

Sadly your friend has slipped into the Bridzilla category. I would contact her and say your priority is to your DD and although the Spa day away was fine a full 4 days aways isn't. Whether you want to ask about your bridesmaid status is a tricky one - maybe let tempers cool before raising.

kinkyredboots · 13/04/2024 17:12

and I think that shows what sort of friend the bride is. Shame after 20 years that is how she behaves but weddings can bring out the worst in some people. Bullet dodged.

Catoo · 13/04/2024 17:13

There is 0% need for you to justify your decision OP.

Your ‘friend’ is showing you who she is. Has the friendship always been a little one-sided?

Willing to bet at least one other person on the chat thinks she’s being a bitch. I’d be relieved if I was you.

Stop begging her to understand.

💐

AuntieStella · 13/04/2024 17:19

I think you've made the right choice.

Teens benefit from having a parent around as a rock during the big public exams.

So hypothetically, if you were a two parent family, and assuming the other one will be present and competent, then I wouldn't rule out a trip away

But as you are a single parent, you absolutely need to be home

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 13/04/2024 17:19

I was slightly on the fence until I read your second post which clarified the Ibiza trip was only suggested, you never agreed and you were willing to go to the original suggested spa day in the UK.

Your (I actually hope ex) friend is behaving so badly. I'm appalled. Imagining demanding that people attend a foreign holiday to celebrate you and then deleting you from the group like that without even a private conversation. Horrible woman.

Horsesontheloose · 13/04/2024 17:21

I wouldn't go either. Of course you have to be around for your daughter.

permanently · 13/04/2024 17:23

My parents went on a cruise and left me alone when I was sitting my A Levels. I can still remember the shock of being in an empty house, opening the fridge to make some dinner. I can picture it now.

AutumnCrow · 13/04/2024 17:24

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 17:08

I've messaged the bride separately to explain but so far no response. We've been friends for 20 years!

DD was quite anxious during her mocks earlier this year so I'm not sure how she'll be during the real exams. She asked me to test her every night too so that's likely to happen again.

If anything I want to make sure she's had a proper breakfast and doesn't sleep through her alarm on the Monday!

Of course you want to help your daughter. Good for you.

letstrythatagain · 13/04/2024 17:25

This happened to me with my sister in laws hen. I didn't go because a weekend in Ibiza was (and still is) my worst nightmare! Plus my daughter was very young at the time. Most of the family hated me for a while but they did get over it. I think if you decide to have a hen party like that you have to accept that some people won't want to come or can't due to other reasons.

LadyDaisy42 · 13/04/2024 17:25

AmiShitsaline · 13/04/2024 14:52

Has it even been priced up yet? I would be surprised if you were the only one that can’t go even if initially people seem keen.

Yes, loads of people will say "yeah sounds great, count me in!" But when it comes to collecting deposits and booking flights, just wait and see how many actually commit to going!

The bride is being massively selfish, everyone's world doesn't revolve around her wedding. She can get back in her own lane as far as I'm concerned, deleting you from the group chat is awful behaviour IMO.

Timeforanotheraliasnow · 13/04/2024 17:26

I wouldn't go, and if your friend doesn't understand & accept your apology then she's not a good friend, sorry.

itsgettingweird · 13/04/2024 17:26

You're a great mum.

She's a shit friend.

You've made the right call imo.

HanaJane · 13/04/2024 17:32

I think you're doing the right thing not going, you're being a good mum putting your DD first.

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 13/04/2024 17:32

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 17:01

I put a message in the group chat earlier to confirm my decision - message was read by the bride almost immediately and then I was deleted from the group! 🙄

Wow! What a rude response! Cleary bridezilla has got the better of her.

I think most 16 year olds, regardless of how confident they were, would feel really let down if they got left on their own during GCSEs! If the Friday exam goes wrong, she will need some moral support, not left on her own, so your decision is absolutely correct. Not to mention someone to make sure she is up in time for her Monday exam!

I take it your friend doesn't have children??

Are you still going to want to be bridesmaid? Will she still let you be bridesmaid?! Quite frankly, unless she apologies for her awful behaviour, I wouldn't want to be, and it would be end of a friendship for me.