If I don't go on the hen do?

[windywillowss]

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

Your friend is totally unacceptable. Weddings are supposed to be a celebration not a way to punish friends who don’t reach impossible expectations.

OMG! Can’t believe you’ve been removed from the WhatsApp!! How petty and childish. Much more of this behaviour, OP, and you would be perfectly within your rights to sack the whole thing off. And such a long friendship too - shame on that bride!

Your “friend” is being completely unreasonable. I travel a lot for work and I have made sure I am not away during my daughter’s exams. I most certainly would not be off for a jaunt in Ibiza.
I can’t believe she deleted you from the group chat! What a dick!!
put your head up girl and continue being the amazing mama you are 🥰

Very sorry but in lite of the very recent changes I’m not going to be able to make it.

If the plans has remained as originally proposed then I would have been delighted to come but I can’t take this much time out.

i hope you all have a great time.

Definitely not a good friend and very selfish!
My friend is getting married in Italy and I've told her I can't go as my daughter will be only just starting school and she was fine

YANBU. If she can’t see that she’s not a friend. Hope your daughter does well in her exams!!

I'm guessing that means you're no longer bridesmaid. I feel so lucky I don't know anyone who is getting married, I couldn't cope with the entitlement of some people.

I could be single, childfree and have all the money in the world and I'd not go on a hen do to ibiza. I wouldn't care who the bride was.

I'm not entirely sure why previous posters think it would be reasonable to leave a 16yr old to manage 2 GCSE exams separated by an entire weekend, alone.

Supporting a minor through exams doesn't just require getting them to and from the venue, support is also necessary in the provision of food, and cooked meals, a cuppa every now and then, and making sure they have downtime and as much sleep as they can manage too, let alone the care and attention they need.

This person / these people have shown you exactly who they are, don't feel guilty or bad for prioritising your child over a person who hasn't seemingly understood what being a parent might mean.

I went to a festival in the middle of my daughter's exams. BUT I didn't leave until the Friday afternoon (met DH there) and drive home on the Sunday night so I'd be there for her exam days. I definitely wouldn't have left her to get there on her own on the Monday and I definitely wouldn't have gone abroad.

My dd is autistic either anxiety but capable of getting the bus. I just didn't think it was what she needed at the time.

Anyway no one can demand you go to their hen do!! In fact that would make me not want to go anyway!

Wishing you dd all best in her exams .
What a rubbish friend this woman is to you.
Expect to be dropped as a bridesmaid tbh I would just text her now and drop out due to her behaviour to you .
Absolutely mental behaviour from her

YANBU. It’s very short notice and your daughter will need you that weekend. My daughter is 19 and she needed me around when she did her exams.

YANBU. You might be her friend but she clearly isn't yours.

Please do not put this person before your DD. I'd have already lost my shyt with her if that is the response I got when I said I probably wouldn't have been able to make it, we'd be done now.

Blimey. My daughter is starting her A Levels next month. I'm going away for 4 days over the half term holiday but I have checked with her that that is OK with her and I wouldn't be going if I were missing any of her exams!

Ridiculous expectations on their behalf.

Let us know when u get a reply

Even if your dd wasn't the least bothered, I think leaving your child at such an important time in their life would be wrong, so YANBU.

It's not your fault the plan has suddenly (at quite a late stage) been changed from a day out in the UK to 4 days abroad. If your friend wants you there, she needs to revert to the original plan or only have it at the weekend.

Just because she's unhappy doesn't mean she's right and you're wrong. She's lucky the 5 other people aren't objecting too. Also, you're not spoling her wedding day - this is a separate event.

Just be very matter of fact that you simply can't be away when your dd has an exam.

Years ago (when I was a massive pushover) I was "made" to go on my friends hen do abroad by basically being bullied into it. If I'd have refused I'd have been booted from my friend group and have lost not just one friend but four. So despite having a 9 month old baby and a tight budget I went. Hated every second. All this time on I'm no longer friends with these people (my choice when I stopped being a doormat) and my life is improved no end. After I made the split I received an apology a few years later about the way the person treated me -I didn't respond. They can live with feeling guilty, I'm not going to say it's OK and I forgive when I don't.
Don't be pushed into going. If you get kicked out of the wedding over a bloody hen do then she wasn't a good friend to begin with and you are better off without.

Ibiza?? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Bridezilla is already being unreasonable to be booking a holiday abroad and calling it the Hen do after initially agreeing to something less demanding. Fine if that's what you're into, but it's not fine to expect others to automatically go along with such nonsense.

Just tell her now that the plans have changed considerably, you're no longer free to join them. I wouldn't even factor in your teenage daughter.

Of course you are right. You are prioritising your dd as you should.

Your friend needs to get over herself.

If she responds with reasonable understanding I would suggest a spa day for the two of you.

If she continues to be a dick I'd probably lose my patience with her.

You're absolutely in the right. Your child's education comes before a boozy weekend away.

Wow, what a cow! Still, youve done the right thing and have not been out of order as it’s a very valid reason not to go

My friend knows money is tight and I'm planning on taking DD away for a few days once her exams are over.

Still no reply!

I would lose zero sleep over this and would also be prepared to walk away from being bridesmaid. Your friend is being massively U in not understanding your daughter’s situation. Sod her.

I know it’s easy to say, but please stop worrying that you have to justify it. You can say no for any reason. Nothing would tempt me to a hen in Ibiza personally.

Falling out with a friend when you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong is horrible. Makes you feel sick.

Give it time. She’s angry and you don’t want a reply when she’s hot headed. Give her some days to calm down. You haven’t done anything wrong OP.
💐

Don't worry about it. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, don't sit around waiting for a reply. She clearly has a massive sulk on and is trying to make you stew. Hopefully in the future she'll look back and feel a huge tit for making such a big deal over it all -if she has kids she'll soon clock on. Don't send any more messages, you've said your part and that's enough.