If I don't go on the hen do?

[windywillowss]

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

I wouldn't have left mine while they were doing GCSEs. If your friend doesn't get that, she's not much of a friend!

Aside from your DD, a spa day in the UK would be £100-150 versus a 3 night break in Ibiza which - if sharing rooms and doing as a package deal - is likely to be an absolute minimum of say £700.

I can't believe everyone else can just come up with that sort of money with little notice.

And? That's up to them

In February I accepted an invite to an abroad hen and paid the deposit - the hen is in April 2025!

Them deciding this month to go in June is ridiculously short notice.

Yanbu op - I wouldn't go in the same situation (dc GCSE's) even if money was no concern.

That's all you need to do. Don't message any more don't wait for a reply. You're doing the right thing. She had an option that included you. She's the one who decided it wasn't good enough

YANBU. I remember doing my GCSEs and I got quite poorly from stress. I can't imagine if my mum had left for a hen do in the middle of it all. She looked after me & got me to every exam. Don't doubt yourself.

Same. I wouldnt even concern myself about this, she can fck right off.

My child comes before some ridiculous bridezilla.

You're making the right decision here. Your daughter's exams are so important for her future. Your friend will just have to get over it. It's unfair that she hadn't responded to your messages. Surely she needs to understand that a single mum has both parenting and financial obligations that you can't ignore for a weekend in Ibiza!

I can't believe everyone else can just come up with that sort of money with little notice

I suspect not as many people will actually go. It sounds like a fun idea but when it comes to the reality of paying out that much money, I guarantee others will drop out too. Lots of people are enthusiastic about something until it comes to actually doing it.

YANBU, and stand your ground. You never agreed to this and had this been the original plan no doubt you’d have refused. Sounds like plenty of people are going so it’s not like you’ve ruined the whole thing. Plus if she can’t understand the logic and that your priority is your DD then she’s no friend, and you’re better off knowing.

I can never get over the sheer brass neck of some people planning increasingly elaborate weddings and hen dos abroad and being surprised/ upset when not everyone can afford it or get the time off- surely this has to be expected, especially when kids are involved?

Stick to your guns and bin your friend off. All of my friends will be supporting my son through his exams one way or another. Not expecting me to bugger off on holiday!

She won't reply.
Do not text her again.

I think a new acronym is required on here, FB meaning fucking bitch. Which is what she is.

Sorry this has happened OP. Weddings really can bring out the worst out in some people, they become so self absorbed they lose a grip on reality.

I say this as someone who is getting married and my friends are desperate for an abroad hen do, so we've agreed to have one. I would never in a million years make a friend feel like this if she decided she didn't want to go though, no matter what that reason was. She's not a real friend and has shown her true colours.

The bride is behaving horribly. If it's important to her that the other hens can attend, then she should organise something that works for everyone (I am assuming this is a smaller group of women).

I wouldn't send any more messages- you've explained personally to the bride that you can't come. Anything more cones across that you are 'in the wrong '.

Well done for calmly and politely standing your ground and avoiding the drama

I've led literally thousands of kids into GCSE exams. Even the biggest Billy Bullshitter kid is nervous about exams - not to mention the super-bright ones, the 'confident' ones, the regular ones and the actually fucking bricking it ones.

Even if all OP's kid needs is some snacks throwing in their direction all weekend, the last thing they need mid-gcses is for mum to go swanning off on a hen party. GCSE results are for life. Half of marriages end in divorce...

You have done the right thing OP and this person isn’t a true friend I’m afraid.

When will all this hen/stag/baby shower/ gender reveal nonsense end?

I hope the bride to be is reading this thread.

Agree and It's not even the wedding either, it's a hen do

You have made the right decision and should not feel guilty at all. Even if she rescinds your bridesmaid status or invitation.

I wouldnt be waiting for a reply. I'd be waiting for an apology.

Probably some time after the wedding and I'd be expecting some grovelling from her for her reaction.

Are you angry with her? Its to be angry! We women dont have to be Lond and be nice and pretend we dont feel anything other than hearts and butterflies all the time.

Your friend isn't a friend expecting you to spend time abroad during child's GCSE exams.
She is spoilt and rude to you.

No, I don’t do hen dos like this, even without your reasons. I’ve declined them all my life – those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind.

In this situation you are being very reasonable in saying you could go to spa day in UK but can't leave DD to go out of the country because she has important exams. Hold your ground for your DD.

Yeah I've been on an abroad hen before, it was discussed and organised 18 months in advance so that everyone could financially plan, arrange childcare, annual leave off work etc.

The bride is being ridiculous!