If I don't go on the hen do?

[windywillowss]

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

I wouldnt be waiting for a reply. I'd be waiting for an apology

This.

I could understand her being disappointed but kicking off and angry to the point of silent treatment because she thinks her hlHen do is more important than your daughter? I'd be ending the friendship never mind anyone else!

Her loss OP, you’re doing the right thing.

When you dont have kids you dont get it. She doesnt get it, simple as that. It's unlikely that will change any time soon. We had to miss something important as I was struggling with pregnancy. It hasn't been forgotten and permanently damaged a family relationship. That's life. You do what you need for your kids whatever stage of life they are

I can't believe the bride is throwing away your friendship just because you're being a good mum! It's really sad. Hopefully you can use the money towards a nice treat to celebrate her finishing the exams.

When you dont have kids you dont get it

I agree with this. When my son was 6 months old, I had to travel up the motorway to my friend's house to discuss her wedding plans (I was bridesmaid). I have no family to babysit and H had to be at work so I took him with me. Soon after we set off we got stuck in a huge traffic jam as someone had crashed further down the motorway. My son started relentlessly crying in the back as we were stationary and I was getting super stressed out and ended up turning around and coming back home as soon as we crawled close enough to a junction. I apologised to my friend and explained if I hadn't done that, we would have been stuck there for at least a couple of hours and I couldn't bear to sit there just hearing him cry. She didnt take it well and got really angry about it. It really pissed me off at the time as she had no idea how awful it was.

After she got married, she had a baby, developed quite bad anxiety, and a very similar situation happened to her. She actually apologised to me and said she didnt realise just how much anxiety and stress something like that can cause. I really appreciated that.

Kids come first.

Err it's not necessary to have children yourself to recognise that gcses are more important than a hen do, pretty offensive to suggest otherwise.

Oh yes, all us childless idiots can’t possibly understand that supporting your child through their exams is more important than a jolly to Ibiza 🙄

You are not being even remotely unreasonable x

YANBU If it comes up again just say no. You've given your reasons, so when it comes up again just say 'Sorry Betty, I thought I'd been quite clear. I can't come because of DDs exam schedule. No, of course I won't leave my 15/16 year old during her actual GCSE exams'

You'd feel bad for a significant period of time if DD didn't get the grades she needed because of something inadvertent due to you being away. Always aim for minimum change during those highly stressful period!

Your DD needs you more than your "friend" - if she was a halfway decent friend she'd understand that.

I would message the bride one more time telling her you are stepping down as a bridesmaid and won’t be at the wedding. She’s made clear how little she thinks of you so why would you want to go%. Save the money it will cost you to attend the hen do and wedding and spend it on a lovely weekend away with your DD once exams are over.

Give her a couple of days to reflect on it then message as you usually do about something non hen-do or asking how she is. If she doesn't reply, give her another couple of days then call.

If she is usually responsive to messages and calls, but you still don't get anything send a text message saying

"Can we talk? I know you are upset I can't go to your hen-do. I am upset I can't go to your hen-do. But we need to get through it. Let me know where your head is at. Love you x"

As for -

When you dont have kids you dont get it.

We have all been to school and know the pressures of sitting exams. Everyone gets it. It is only when you have your head so far up your own ass that you forget everyone else has conflicting priorities sometimes.

Here we go again. Finding reasons to bail as a bridesmaid!
This is a CLOSE friend by your own admission, I would hate to see how you treat acquaintances.
You have plenty of time to make arrangements and erm….. it’s your daughter doing the exams not you 😆

The bride's joined the thread then...

Either that or you have no idea what it's like trying to get a stressed teen through their exams. A hen night should not trump exams that are crucial to your child's future.

@ZsaZsaTheCat are you the bride or are you just a bit thick?

You're right, the bride is a close friend, but close friends do not usurp daughters, particularly supporting them through important exams.

@windywillowss YANBU. You have been clear and consistent. Please stand by your DD. The bride is being a prat.

My mam (single parent) went on holiday for a week during my GCSEs. Depends on the kid 🤷🏼‍♀️

@ZsaZsaTheCat Where did I say I was stepping down as a bridesmaid?

Agree. Some kids don't seem bothered about sitting their exams. I think its more about the mum wanting to be there for her than the daughter needing her.

My parents went on holiday during my A levels. I didn't feel as if I could ask them not to go. I coped but was miserable. I would have told you I was fine. 30+ years later and having seen my own DD through exams I'm actually even more annoyed with them for pissing off on holiday and not supporting me.

Op
Isn't bailing on a friend

She is saying up front the new plan doesn't work for her

Her friend however is being a bitch is she is asking her to choose her hen do over the child's exams

@ZsaZsaTheCat My daughter has made it clear that she wants me around for all of her exams so if that makes me a terrible friend then so be it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Quite frankly, fuck her and her princess demands. You sound like a terrific mum who is supportive of your teenager. Long may that continue. Hope they ace the exams.

I hate this nonsense of brides needing to have days away abroad for their hen do’s and expecting people to spend hundreds or thousands on it, using up annual leave and spending time away from their own families. Especially in a cost of living crisis. What’s wrong with a nice dinner out nowadays! It causes so much stress for a lot of the guests

me and friend declined a hen do to a well known trashy place abroad in August and we have got so much shit for it. A) If I was to spend money going on holiday abroad it wouldn’t be to that location b) I’m not using my annual leave up for a holiday I don’t want to go to. The wedding itself is costing several hundred pounds cos of travel and hotel and two days off work.

Ridiculous, of course your child's exams come first. What is wrong with people.