Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I don't go on the hen do?

202 replies

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 14:04

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

OP posts:
jackstini · 13/04/2024 14:28

YANBU

I'm usually up for most hen and birthday dos, but leaving my dd alone for 4 days when she has GCSEs would be a hard no

I think @Shinyandnew1 has the best response bang on above.

Just confirm you were absolutely up for a spa day and whilst a weekend in Ibiza sounds fun, it is impossible for you to go on those dates but you hope they have a great time

lavagal · 13/04/2024 14:28

Yeah sod that - DD need you end of

waftabout · 13/04/2024 14:28

I'd repeat that I can't do a weekend then and we'd agreed to a day trip. If Ibiza is the plan I can't do it.

Cygnetmad · 13/04/2024 14:31

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 14:04

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

Pull out of the hen do and wedding. She isn't your friend. I think that's absolutely unacceptable behaviour on her side. I wouldn't put up with it.

(Not even taking about this absolutely cuntish and entitled shit to stage hen dos abroad and expect others to suck up the cost!)

Concannon88 · 13/04/2024 14:37

Clearly I'm going against the grain here, but if its just the gcses issue. Then yeah I'd still go. Shes 16 so doesn't really need looking after, and you've said she does well sticking to the timetable. I can't see what extra you can do regarding her exams.

shoppingshamed · 13/04/2024 14:40

Has your friend lost her mind to Bridzilla syndrome?

I'm years to come she may realize what a dick she's being

Beamur · 13/04/2024 14:41

It would be a 100% no to the hen do from me.
My DD sat her GCSE's last year and really needed low level but constant support. Your friend is being incredibly unreasonable.

CornishTiger · 13/04/2024 14:41

You absolutely are not being unreasonable.

Your Friend is very out of order!!

kinkyredboots · 13/04/2024 14:42

All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

I would agree that at 16 your dd should be able to get through GCSE's if you went, especially if your parents help out.

BUT I would also have a huge issue with the bride to be's reaction that you have reservations - the difference between a UK based spa day and 4 day trip to Ibiza is not insignificant in terms of cost and time. She must have understood there was a risk not everyone would be able to make that.

SunshineAndFizz · 13/04/2024 14:45

It's completely understandable not to go. Let them huff. Just be clear from the beginning with them that you're not going.

TheSmallAssassin · 13/04/2024 14:48

I would be asking your friend if she seriously thinks her hen weekend should be more important to you than your own daughter and why.

She'll still have a good time, even if you aren't there and you'll be at the wedding itself, that's what matters!

Jasmin1971 · 13/04/2024 14:49

Your friend is being ridiculous, don't go, and tell her your daughter's exams are far more important than her, period!

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 13/04/2024 14:51

YANBU at all. I’d love a weekend in Ibiza but there’s no chance I’d leave my DD even though her father will be here. She needs to know she is the priority for this short period of her exams. I’m sure your DD would be fine without but that’s not the point. It’s a hugely important part of their young lives and they still need their parents at 16.

AmiShitsaline · 13/04/2024 14:52

Has it even been priced up yet? I would be surprised if you were the only one that can’t go even if initially people seem keen.

Catoo · 13/04/2024 14:53

I have found over the years I’m not in touch with many people whose hen dos I went to or even weddings I’ve attended.

A true best friend would expect you might say no to this due to cost alone TBH. I predict you won’t even be in touch in 3 years time.

Grey rock needed over the next few days. ‘OK.’ ‘ Sorry you feel that way’ ‘ I hope you have a great time.’ etc. no emotion, consistent and clear ‘no’.

Put DD first. Spend the money on you and DD having a spa weekend after GCSEs.

💐

RampantIvy · 13/04/2024 14:56

Concannon88 · 13/04/2024 14:37

Clearly I'm going against the grain here, but if its just the gcses issue. Then yeah I'd still go. Shes 16 so doesn't really need looking after, and you've said she does well sticking to the timetable. I can't see what extra you can do regarding her exams.

Clearly you haven't had a nervous and unconfident child go through GCSEs Hmm

I have, and there is no way I would have left DD to go on a self indulgent jolly.

JLT24 · 13/04/2024 14:59

To be fair they’ve changed the plan for the heck do last minute and you’re simply not available for the weekend only for the Saturday. Can’t they change the date of it so you can go?

Rosesanddaisies1 · 13/04/2024 15:12

YANBU, Your DD is priority here. If the bride really wants to be with her friends she should be happy doing something that suits others, for example you could still do a UK weekend Friday night to Sunday. All I wanted on my hen was to spend time with friends, I didn’t care what we did.

Concannon88 · 13/04/2024 15:18

RampantIvy · 13/04/2024 14:56

Clearly you haven't had a nervous and unconfident child go through GCSEs Hmm

I have, and there is no way I would have left DD to go on a self indulgent jolly.

Show quote history

Please don't presume to know things about me. Op hasn't said she's nervous.

hottchocolatte · 13/04/2024 15:23

You don't have to go. You can say you agreed to a spa weekend in the Saturday but you can't do that weekend as it's your dd exams. If she wants you to attend (and only the date is the issue) then you'll have to consider other dates. If they are fixed in that weekend then you can't go.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 13/04/2024 15:24

Doesn't sound like a friend, I would be pulling our 9f both if she tried to make me feel guilty for putting my kid first.

SausageRoll2020 · 13/04/2024 15:30

You can decide to go or not go for whatever reason you choose.

But saying you need to stay home to look after a 16yo just sounds silly, unless there are special needs you haven't mentioned she should be more than capable of getting herself to school and back to spend a couple of hours in an exam hall.

olivebranch31 · 13/04/2024 16:12

Regardless of your reasoning for not going, I wouldn't want to go anyway if that was her reaction

yikesanotherbooboo · 13/04/2024 16:17

@Shinyandnew1 @jackstini
I agree. I can't think of any decent parent who would go away in these circumstances. Don't mention the money it muddies the waters, you have all the reason you need not to go. I am obviously naive because I thought that these expensive hen dos were the realm of young people without responsibilities and the practical sense that comes with age but it doesn't sound as if this bride is in that camp.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2024 16:19

windywillowss · 13/04/2024 14:04

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

There's one to dodge...

Your DD comes first in this scenario