If I don't go on the hen do?

[windywillowss]

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

Moral support?

Perfectly reasonable not to go. The goalposts were changed and your DD comes first!

We are rural, and when DD was sitting her GCSEs the school buses were run by a bus company that was on its knees. The buses were often delayed, broke down, caught fire with students in them (I witnessed this myself, and DD was in one bus whose engine caught fire so it pulled into the petrol station )or were cancelled, so if DD had an exam first thing in the morning I took her to school myself.

The bus company subsequently went into liquidation.

My DD has her GCSEs coming up soon too. I am avoiding travel as much as I can then, bar one weekend, booked ages ago. She is fine on her own but I’ve made sure someone is around to make sure she’s ok for the exam she has on the day I’m not there

Then they've moved the goalposts without discussing it with you. More/inconvenient time and more money

And can you even get the time off?

So no, you shouldn't go

I’m not a single parent but dd is doing her GCSEs this year too and I’ll be here for her every weekend throughout. I’ve been away with friends before so I’m not a clingy mum but GCSEs are stressful and I’m here for her throughout, even if it’s just to give her food and sit silently watching crap tv with her to de stress.

Different circumstances clearly.

Not your problem

Some 16yos really get a crap deal with this kind of view. Is dd capable? Yes. But, why wouldn’t you want you dc to feel loved and supported during a really stressful time?

You are being totally reasonable and sensible. Even if you were in a relationship with with the other parent, I still don't think it would be fair to disappear for a weekend in the middle of a child's GCSEs.

It wasn't what you originally agreed to, so do not feel guilty.

If your DD mucked up those specific exams you would be really annoyed with yourself if you went. If they were more difficult than expected and your DD needed a shoulder to cry on, you would really want to be there, so sod the bride.

Just being there to say good luck and give her a hug before each exam is really important for your DD.

The child’s needs trump the adult’s fancies every time. YANBU
your “DF” needs a stern word on the bigger picture beyond her nose end

Your DD is irrelevant to the question. Nobody would be unreasonable for not going on a whole weekend to Ibiza for any reason including just because they don't fancy it.

Definitely don’t go - your DD will never forgive you

sod your ‘friend’ if she doesn’t understand or care

Your child is the obvious priority here and you should say no, and your friend is being very unreasonable and frankly pathetic.

Say you need to prioritise the needs of your child now that the hen plans have been completely changed, and that you’re happy to meet up and celebrate another time. If you want to now of course!

I am the least clingy parent with a very stoic, academic and self sufficient child at the same stage as your DD.

I too want to be at home during the time of his exams. Spa day: fine. I would not do the weekend. YANBU

Making sure DD gets to all her exams is far more important!

This old trope.

Why do so many mumsnetters think that once a person reaches teenage years they don't need any kind of parental support? Even adults need moral support during stressful times. The number of threads on here requesting a handhold is testament to that.

Don't you think a 16 year old might need moral support/shoulder to cry on or, in our specific case, a lift to school for a morning exam when the bus has been cancelled yet again?

You are a great mum and your friend is really unreasonable. Tbh I would really be considering whether it’s worth being a bridesmaid for someone like this!

Send a message saying’Sorry I’m unable to attend the hen do due to Lily’s GCSE exams overlapping the Friday and Monday. Have a great time!’ Don’t tolerate any sulking. She’s being really immature.

YANBU

I wouldn’t do anything that may mess up my DC’s exams.

My DD is perfectly capable of staying alone overnight and did a little before her 16th. But would I go and leave her alone when she’s got exams? No. I mean I am, but her dad will be taking her to the exam I’m missing, just one day.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I don't understand some brides. It's as though they believe nothing and no one is important except them!
Going to an expensive weekend long hen party isn't compulsory. You have a very good reason not to go. Supporting your daughter is important. Not that I think anyone needs a reason other than no thank you I am not attending!

If the bride does not apologise very quickly this friendship would be over for me. I would not go away while mine are doing GCSEs or A levels, and it is spoilt in the extreme to kick off because a parent will not prioritise a hen do over supporting a child doing exams.

Things can go wrong on exam day for any reason so it is better to be around - even if they are 16!

I put a message in the group chat earlier to confirm my decision - message was read by the bride almost immediately and then I was deleted from the group! 🙄