One night stands/casual sex

[champagnedrunk]

Both my husband and myself have only ever been with each other sexually. I have dated in the past and so has he but very short "relationships" I mean a date or two here and there, none of which lead to sex or anything close.

We met in our early 20's and have been together 15 years we have two young children.

Is it common for two people in their 30's to have never have had a sexual relationship with anyone else, we do not come from religious backgrounds or anything like that.

I see people out having casual sex and one night stands and just wonder why? What is the point? Surely you'd get as much sexual pleasure at home with a sex toy as you would from another person? We have an amazing sex life and relationship and and don't feel like we missed out on anything by not having other sexual relationships.

You’re probably right. Some people have to find a way to look down on others, shame

You do you Hun 😊

The number of sexual partners you’ve had has absolutely zero bearing on the worth of someone’s relationship, or on someone’s worth as a person. Plenty of sexually inexperienced people have awful relationships, and plenty of people who have slept with other people have fantastic ones. You happened to meet the right person before you’d had sex with anyone else. Other people might not meet the right person until after they’ve had sex with lots of others. So what? You do what works for you, but it’s really peculiar to be smug about it and to question why other people live their lives differently.

I can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone, ever, who wishes they’d never slept with anyone else before their husband and regrets that he wasn’t their first. It’s just not something that occupies any space in most people’s heads.

Do you mean to sound so smug and superior op?
Dear me.
Plenty of people have lots of sexual experiences that are fun. It's hardly headline news.

Doesn’t sound like your relationship is actually anything to be smug about, OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5044711-husband-only-shows-affection-when-horny

Oh dear that previous post throws a very different light on things doesn't it?

If you have a good sex life, even a long term monogamous one, you fancy other people. It's part of being sexual. Of course you don't have to act on it and you can stay with the same partner for life. But if you never have any sexual interest in anyone outside your partner then your sex life is not at full potential. But of course sex isn't the be all and end all of life and it's importance varies between people and life stages. Having numerous partners comes with potential issues as does never having any or the same one for years. It's what makes you happy that's important and having one partner or different one every night is just a choice.
Don't need to judge anyone on the choice they make. It has no effect on you what so ever. Live and let live and all that.

You don’t have to understand it. It’s not really any of your business.

Having seen your other thread about the lack of non-sexual affection you get from your husband, I think that starting this thread is your way of trying very hard to convince yourself that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship when in reality you’re actually quite insecure about it and feeling a bit unloved.

I slept with a few people before I met my DP. I didn’t ‘feel sick’ about being with someone who wasn’t my DP because I’d never even met my DP at that point. I don’t regret any of it. It was enjoyable at the time. I’ve now been with DP for 21 years, I don’t need anyone else, and there isn’t a single thing about our relationship I would change. And he hugs me, kisses me and tells me he loves me every single day, not just when he wants sex. I’d take my relationship any day of the week over one that involves crowing about sexual purity while starved of affection.

How very true @EBearhug .

One of the things I'm thankful to have learned is that it's more than possible to have fantastic sex with somebody you don't know, don't fancy and don't even particularly like.

Reading between the lines....

You're probably JW/Mormon or ND.

So with respect are unlikely to understand the relationships of those who aren't. Yes I know I'm being very blunt, however you have invited speculation by starting the thread and giving such leading details.

Its not common for 2 people in their 30s to have never had sex with anyone else, but I don't think it's hugely uncommon either. I know a few couples who've been together since school.

But to try and answer your question of why someone would want a one night stand. (And bear in mind I've been with DP for 18 years so am drawing on distant memories here)

Sex is fun in a way that masturbation isn't. Think of a game of ping pong. Yeah you can chuck one end of the table on its side and play against yourself. It's good practise, a bit of exercise, but it doesn't compare to playing with another person.

And sex with someone new is exciting. Exploring someone new, finding out what they enjoy, the unique feel of their skin, their smell, the way they move. Sex with someone for the first time often isn't great, but it's bloody exciting.

Would I give up my DP for a load of one night stands? Hell no, because we know what each other like, and because there's something deeper there. I look into her eyes and there's a connection you can't get from a one night stand.

But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes miss the new, the exciting, the different.

I think one night stands is making yourself cheap and showing n g to the v world you have low self esteem

I think other people’s sex lives is their own business.

I have had 2 one night stands.

The first was exactly as you describe, it made me feel awful, I was drunk .. he was rubbish.. there was no 'mental connection' and the physical act was basic he was a 'pump it till I'm done' man! It was awful, but .. it gave me a better idea of what was ok for me .

The second was about a year later and was amazing, that man knew what he was doing, he was invested in my pleasure. I would have made it a long term thing (until he mentioned his wife?!)

I think to say a one night stand means low self esteem is a bit simplistic, it can be just about 'getting your end away'.

I felt quite sad for the OP.. experience has been one of the joys in life. I regret not having more of it .. even though the man I have settled for is great. I miss those days (and a sex toy does not come close to the flirt, hot touch, first kiss, butterflies.)

Interesting. Well, OP, maybe if you'd both slept around a bit more, he might have learned that women don't like to be treated like this, and you might have found someone who would treat you better than that.

But, on behalf of the rest of us, thank you for taking him out of the dating pool.

It's just like trying all the different fruit in the fruit bowl. Maybe you just found a nice apple you liked, nothing wrong with that, but other people keep going until they've tried out all the other flavours.

I don’t keep my sense of self worth in my genitals. I have had multiple sexual partners, some amazing, some forgettable, post divorce and I want to experience everything this rich life has to offer before I die. It’s just a different way of looking at the world.

Well, we're all different is the simple answer.

I perfectly understand your take on life. There's no obligation for you to do anything different.

However, I just couldn't imagine waking up with the same person for the rest of my life. I like short relationships: kind of starting on a Friday night and ending on a Saturday morning when it's time to think about going to the football ⚽

There's no requirement for you to give any headspace to the way my life works. Both our choices are valid.

Your comment about the sex toy is a bit 😯 Wouldn't you get as much from a sex toy as you would from your DH? The sex toy wouldn't snore, make a mess in the house or generally get under your feet.

you’ve summed yourself up perfectly …smug. You haven’t had multiple partners or one night stands because you met your husband young. It’s 2024 if people want to have one nightstands then so be it. It’s not a new thing. I could flip this and say I don’t understand how you had meet and wed young and only ever have the same partner- sex must get boring surely with the same person you don’t know if you are misssing out.

Good golly, good gosh.I just don't understand all.this icky people and their icky genitals! I'm not being judgey though; I just want to understand. Is there anyone out there as pure as me? But I'm not judging!

I’ve only been with my DH. I was 20 when we met and only had a few minor relationships that weren’t sexual. He was 19 and had also been in a few teenage relationships, but had quite a few one night stands as well.

We are 10 years in and still have a great sex life. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have casual sex with a stranger, but it doesn’t eat away at me or anything, more just a passing thought once in a blue moon. I also can’t really imagine being with anyone else sexually. I do have some intense dreams occasionally 😂

He sometimes says he regrets most of the one night stands he’s had before he met me and the way he lost his virginity (to an older woman who was a family friend and took advantage). He will say on occasion that he wishes he was a virgin when we met the same as I was. I told him I actually prefer that he wasn’t because he won’t ever wonder what it’s like to be with someone else.

I sort of rambled on but my main point is, I can see it from both perspectives. I don’t regret only having one sexual partner and sometimes I do feel slightly smug and happy about it. But I also wonder what the anticipation and flirting etc would be like with a one night stand and wonder if I missed out on something.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either.

Just to add, a toy is nowhere near the same as a person! The intimacy, skin to skin contact, being able to kiss and touch etc…

Oh come on

Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah it doesn’t actually sound that special at all OP.

How can you be early 20's and be together 15years?!

How do you know you have a ‘great sex life’ if you have no comparison 🤷🏼‍♀️ I know sex with my DH is great because I had multiple partners before him….

it also means I know he wasn’t the best at certain things when I met him but I was experienced enough to show him what I liked 🙃

First few partners / times I had sex we’re awful, can’t imagine having stuck with any of them and still having to endure the sex years later, but at the time I had no idea it was awful as I had nothing to compare it too….

A ONS could completely change your view on how ‘great’ your sex life is OP