This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

It’s none of her business. You only have to tell her if you want to and as you’re not close I’m surprised you’d tell her anything about it. Tell her if/when you get pregnant, but I imagine she’ll be a nightmare of a GM.

So not normal. What a nightmare she is!

Thank you. In what way do you think she'd be a nightmare? I'm starting to think that too!

No, that's weird. And if she thinks this level of intrusion is normal she will be a very interfering grandmother I expect.

It’s not something I would share with anyone - let alone a woman who is clearly desperate to be a grandmother
Your decision to have a child - or not - is yours alone
I would avoid any further conversation on this subject - every time you feel
peaky your parents will go into a tail spin

What if you don’t conceive as easily as you hope - can you imagine going through IVF with your parents wondering if it’s worked this month
Next time they ask - laugh it off and change the subject

No it isn't normal - it's weird! Why is she so invested in whether or not your are trying for a baby?!

I could maybe understand her asking about it if you were very close and you had opened a conversation with her about it.

She has no right to be angry/upset/anything else. It's none of her business!

I have a close relationship with my parents but they would not have dreamed of asking me this after I got married. I did get pregnant about 6 months after I married and they were thrilled and dote on my son, but never asked questions.

Equally, for various reasons, we have not had another child and they have never questioned this.

I would just say something like 'mum, me/DH will ttc when we feel the time is right. I don't want to keep talking about it so please stop asking'

...she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family

What an earth does that mean? Its none of her business! Is she thinking you'd ask her to provide childcare? I have no idea why she'd say that?

She meant she didn't want to be waiting for grandchildren if I'd no intentions of having any. She wanted to know whether children were on the cards or not, so she wouldn't have false hope if not .

I'd be mightily pissed off if my DH told his parents we were trying to conceive. It's nobody else's business.

I think your move might be a blessing in more ways than one. But don't let it be an excuse (when the time comes) for her to stay for weeks on end to 'help' with any new baby you have.

Utterly bizarre. I think it would be wise for you to draw the boundaries now. Tell her you are feeling her interest is invasive and that she needs to back off. This is a private issue and you won’t be talking about it any more, etc.

Sounds like she is in a sibling rivalry thing with the parent of the cousin (her sister?)
She is far too invested in whether or when you have a baby.
Does she have any interests outside of the family? If not maybe encourage her to find some. (Tell her about all the interesting things your friends' parents do! - X's mum is having a great time doing xyz.)

Gosh you poor thing I have 2 DD (mid 20s,) and I would never EVER badger them to get pregnant as soon as they're married. (In fact I would never badger them at ALL!!! Ever!) It would be nice to have grandchildren one day, but if they both choose to have no children, that is THEIR business.

Weirdly, I would be overjoyed to have a grandchild/grandchildren, but also wouldn't mind if I didn't have any. I can't explain why I feel like this, but I really don't mind my DD having no children, (but would still be pleased if they did have them!)

@Thempolsoltch I would move away from your mother, and give her a wide berth. Her behaviour is appalling!

Yea that’s really odd. I think it is ok to express she’d look forward to being a grandmother when the time came, if it did, but her level of emotional investment in you making her a grandmother is way OTT.

It suggests she doesn’t care much about your life and far more about her getting something from you she wants for herself. Which is rubbish enough generally but when it comes to you becoming a mother or not it’s just all sorts of emotionally messy.

Well it’s a good job you are moving to the other side of the country!

She definitely sounds like lots of GM that posters complain about on here for being overbearing, interfering, making a whole bedroom for baby so they can stay over all the time, showering with presents constantly, opinions on everything

That's terrible - no thought for the fact that you might be in pieces about not conceiving, for a start. It's all about her - and I suspect she is in competition with her sibling too.

Your mother is so far over the line she’s lost sight of it. Please don’t let her bully you and abuse you, as this is abuse, into having a child, you do what works for you noth and don’t discuss it with her further, she will weaponise it.

She sounds awful.
Congratulations on the job!

She sounds like she thinks any possible babies you have will be for her, rather than you and your partner.
Her behaviour is completely unreasonable, she sounds crazy. If she’s being like this now, she will definitely be expecting a say in all decisions about any future children you have.
When you move I would put some emotional distance between you and her too otherwise your life will never be your own.

Oversharing has given her an expectation. Sorry but you have rather brought it on yourself.

She sounds narcisisstic. Look up narcisisstic mothers.

Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are?

No, I’d say it’s anything but normal. It never occurred to me to ask DDs if they intended having children, trying to have children etc.. None of my business.
I have had friends who’ve been very keen to become grandmothers but none were intrusive like your DM.
If it’s affecting her mood she really needs to talk to a doctor.

A job at the different end of the country sounds like a good move op. It's your life. Absolutely none of her business.

It's not normal, your Mum is so unreasonable it's batshit, and it's none of her business!!!!
And I would try and be brave and tell her exactly that! Thank heavens you are moving away!

I have two adult daughters your age, and we all have a lovely close relationship. But I would NEVER ask if my daughters were TTC!!!!

As it happens one of them now has a toddler and I look after him several days a week, and it's wonderful, but I whether I fancied being a Granny or not was not, is not, and will never be up to me, and your Mum demanding info is incredibly rude!

Don't tell her anything in future!

And congrats on the job :)

I am super close to my mum (and my MIL) but did not tell either when we were ttc. YANBU.

Your decision (or not) to have children is absolutely nothing to do with your mum nor anyone else. I have an adult daughter and it’s just weird a mum asking if their child is TTC. Put some boundaries in place because she needs them.