This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

Hello!

I hope all is well! Thank you for sharing and asking. I hope everything becomes better with you, and I wish you all the best!

I think this matter goes back to you and your decision as a couple. If you want to share, you can share, if not then not. But usually, grandparents might ask about whether you're considering or not.

I would like to address the 2 ideas here.
1st- I think it's good if you tell her the truth. You are trying, and it's not working for now, and that's the truth. It's unfair for someone to think I'm doing something I'm not.
2nd- In terms of whether this is ok, I think if this bothers her, which again I think she should know the truth, because truth is truth and it's good to share it, but if that bothers her, it shouldn't be communicated in this way. But maybe she doesn't know how to communicate in any better way.
In all cases, it is uncomfortable.

So in my opinion, just start by sharing the truth with her, and we'll see how it goes from there. But please also share with her how this whole situation made you feel. That might help her react better later. And if it doesn't, then at least you know.

I agree it is none of her business , and she will be a nightmare , many parents are like this though , your mum will want to make decisions for your child and if you don’t agree with her get upset with you ! I get it parents want grandkids but the pressure is just too much sometimes

No child owes their parent grandchildren. If she asks again tell her that you’re having a lot of fun ‘practising’ and leave it at that. Hopefully that will put her off. She has no right to ask such intrusive questions. If she persists, ask about her sex life. (By the way, the average for waiting to have a child after getting married seems to be 3-6 years.) You’ve got time. Congrats on your new job.

You don’t have kids just because you want to be a grandparent…. 🙄

It's pretty grim of her, tbh. Highly intrusive. It's really not appropriate to badger other people about whether they're having enough unprotected sex.

Speaking as a Mum... Lots has happened with my only DC which means life won't turn out the way I thought it would.

When you give birth to a girl, you have dreams of their wedding day, of becoming a GM and of all the aspirations you have for them academically.

If your child turns out to be trans, asexual, disabled or to just not want children you go through something I can only describe as being like mourning. You love your child but you're sad the dreams you had will never happen.

Your Mum clearly had strong ideas of what she wanted your wedding to be like and wanted to be a GM as soon as possible. I suspect she is also hurt you are moving away. She is being irrational and self-centred. Most Mums want you to be happy in whatever form that takes. My Mum used to be a pre-marriage Counsellor and always told couples that it was their day and no one else's. (Yes, she did do quite a bit for mine 😂). I may be sad about some things in my DC's life, I'm happy that they are living the life they want.

Have a word with your Mum and let her know you've been TTC and it hasn't happened - it may never happen - so you're just going to relax about it as you think the stress is preventing it happening. Tell her she'll be the first to know if you do.

It sounds as though she hates everything.

Including herself sadly. It feels really personal as you're her only child and that's really rough on you.

I think you've tried to keep her in the loop to try and appease her but unfortunately it's unlikely you ever will. It isn't your job to keep her happy. It is her responsibility to find happiness and not for you to fulfill her dreams.

You do you.

Sending hugs x

You should only have a child when you yourself are ready otherwise this will cause resentment against whoever may be pressurising you.It sounds to me your mother uses the silent treatment as emotional control .This is a very narcissistic trait which you definitely do not want in your life or the life of your child.Do what is right for you and your partner not for someone who needs to control you.

Asking in general terms as part of a wider conversation is normal.

Wanting progress updates and behaving manipulatively when said grandchildren don't appear within the timescale you expect is not normal.

OP is basically being made to feel guilty because she hasn't produced the child that her mother wanted.

What does TTC mean?

Wow, it's all about her, isn't it OP?

Good luck with the move, new job and baby plans

Trying To Conceive

I'm thinking she might have a few issues, maybe empty nest syndrome & hopes she will get along better with a grandchild, however that could end up turning your child against you? Granny's best buddy, maybe I'm just thinking out loud. She sounds a bit lost, needs something new in her life .
A bit too intrusive.

Yes that makes perfect sense. I always beli with my two that my job was to raise them to be independent, educated people. I believe I have achieved that. One lives overseas is married and has no intention of having children. My other lives locally and is married and is having a baby. I’m delighted but it’s none of my business. If they need me I’m here, but I have my own life to live, and they have theirs.

spread your wings, live your life and if you’re mum can’t cope with that, then it’s her problem, not yours. Good luck with the new job.

Why the actual chuff does she need to know "where she stands" with whether or not you're and DH are using contraception? Bizarre phrase. Absolutely none of her business.

I have 3 grown up children , 2 of which have no children and not sure if they even will . Not even a comment has passed my lips about them having some …none of my business . I love them regardless and up to them if they do …. She sounds awful

@Trishthedish you sound great.😊

Sounds like she messed up your childhood, so debatable whether she should be allowed much contact with any future child anyway.

Run! Its not normal at all and if you do have a child, she will have opinions on everything and you'll be miserable and very vulnerable. My MIL was a nightmare and we still haven't recovered. You don't get that time back.

Your mum sounds like a horror! For all she knows you could have been trying and had multiple miscarriages or found out there was a fertility issue or anything & she is adding extra stress to make it all about her.

id tell her that you don’t need to put your career on hold to conceive, but that you don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be so invested in your personal decisions.

Ultimately this is about you, your husband & hopefully your future child. Not your mum.

She’s bonkers .
I didn’t ask or assume about my daughter and son in law .
We are delighted to have our grandson of course but never asked or pried and certainly didn’t have a strop

@Thempolsoltch I would absolutely not put your career on hold to TTC.

It took me 15 months to conceive my first, with multiple miscarriages along the way. My friend went to her GP because she was struggling to conceive a year ago and is not even on the first rung of the ladder for IVF on the NHS yet. She's talking about giving up on the NHS and going private. There are women on Mumsnet who tried for years and years to have a baby and never managed it.

If you take a new job and get pregnant straight away, the most likely outcome is that your employer is a bit annoyed and you don't get decent maternity pay because you haven't been there for long enough. Not the end of the world. In an extreme situation you lose your job and for whatever reason aren't able to make a claim for discrimination and unfair dismissal against your employer. I would far rather take the risk of either of those things happening than take my foot off the gas and end up stagnating in my career because I thought I would be having babies soon but didn't.

If you have the opportunity to move abroad, it may be to a country where IVF is cheaper and more accessible than it is in the UK, which is also something to consider.

Your mum is being completely unreasonable. It's probably not even worth telling her that her behaviour will ultimately have a negative impact on her relationship with you and any future grandchildren, because she won't want to listen. It sounds like your dad has also enabled her by not telling her to wind her neck in.

It's really sad - and, frankly, bonkers - that she is complaining that your lovely wedding day was a disappointment to her because it didn't go the way she wanted. It was your wedding, not hers, and as long as you and your husband had the day you wanted, she should just be happy for you. It's probably a sign of things to come. Will she be disappointed about the number of children you have? If you only have boys will she be disappointed that you didn't have a girl, or vice versa? Will she be disappointed about the names you choose, or whether you decide to breast or bottle feed, or where you live?

She needs to stop trying to micromanage your life in this way and take a back seat.

Talking about "where she stands" in relation to you having a baby is just really fucking odd.

Where she stands is that her adult daughter is off living her adult life and can make whatever decisions she pleases. Where she stands is that she needs to find other things to fill her life rather than obsessing about whether or not you are going to produce any grandchildren.

Everyone is different and your mum is no exception, although hard for you to deal with. Sounds like she has her own problems and shortcomings, desperate for grandchildren, perhaps because she would have liked more and wants to control you. I would say try to understand her without taking her comments personally. Sounds like you have to be the adult here! We don’t always get the mum we would like!

My parents in law were a bit weird like this. They were just bored with life, most of their siblings had grandkids and they just wanted something 'new' in their life. Spoiler alert - the novelty wore off for them. Promises of childcare and early retirement went out of the window. TTC only on your terms, for you and when you're ready. They don't get to have a 'do-over' at being a parent and your child isn't there because they are bored with life and one another and need soemthing to entertain them.

My PIL kept trying to take our infant/toddler on holiday because 'it would give them something to talk about'. What a terrible reason.

I remember when my sister was with her first husband, her brother in law and his wife (I think she was a well paid lawyer) didn't want kids, they felt it was selfish. Which wasn't my perspective but understandable, but my mum was v disconcerting in that they were being selfish because they were denying their mothers grandkids.

So, unfortunately I have to say it is normal, even if it isn't reasonable or acceptable.