This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

My dad does mitigate a lot of things. He just thinks she is a bit eccentric and is often of the persuasion that she doesn't mean any harm etc. However he will generally pick me over her and normally takes my side when push comes to shove.

My dad advised me to go for the new job actually and then mum got really angry with him. He rang me to say that he hadn't meant to persuade me against having a baby and now he feels really bad. He said he feels like everything is his fault now! It's such a mess as he is under the spell too. After the wedding, he also said that mum was upset because I am 'her creation' and the wedding wasn't as she had imagined. I had this 'this is not normal!' feeling again and it was scary. Since I got engaged I feel like I'm waking up from a long dream where this was my life and I went along with belonging to someone like a possession.

If you happen to have a girl, I can guess she will treat her like she did you - she'd be her little copy and a chance to replicate it all over again. They will start off as her little princess, spoilt and you (the parent) will be belittled and constantly told you're unreasonable...she may well be the perfect grandparent to idolises but it's manipulative 😉 if a boy, your partner will be the target - how weak they are, how they need to listen to her as she knows what she's talking about and that the reason he has you is because of how good a job she done raising 'lil ol you'. I can guess she will do all the things you ask her not to - weaning, safety, sleep and behaviour management and you will continue to doubt not just yourself, but your own parenting too. The early days are tough and she will make out you done it all yourself and now you must deal the consequences, but don't worry, she's there for you to help and will likely try to take over...to others, she will look like the doting granny, to you it'll feel like you're losing a constant battle of 'baby blues' ("oh its your hormones...you're being over emotional...its all in your head") and trying to regain some control 😆

You sound like you are starting to twig it all - be kind to yourself 😊 grab those opportunities amd please don't feel you have to overshare with your mother what your thoughts and feeling are on your circumstances - you like you're doing an amazing job in life and work ☺️

No that's is weird. Good idea to move away from her.

Your mother is a horrible person (I know this as my other is also horrible). You owe her nothing. You do not need to tell her anything. She wants to manipulate and control you. Own your own life.

I'm sorry, but I don't think your dad is as innocent as you believe 😕 "she's only like this because she cares about you" nonsense. Would you relay something hurtful that your partner said about your child to their face? Sounds like he is trying to justify his own behaviour and make out as if "it's your mum's fault, but also mine, but mostly hers..."

If my partner was being a spiteful shit to our child, I'd be raising it with him, not asking our child to ignore the digs "because you've only got one mother, we're family" 🙄

Er, this goes well past excited at the thought of a grand child. OP’s mum is crossing all kinds of boundaries. She actually went to bed for the rest of the afternoon after being told about the new job and baby plans being on hold. She’s changed her behaviour towards OP ever since. Nothing normal about that - it’s controlling behaviour, and bordering on abusive if OP’s dad is caught in the middle.

Your mother either has a personality disorder or she’s a full blown narcissist. No the behaviour isn’t normal.

Yow !! OP it’s a good thing that you’re moving away. This is batshit, entitled, controlling behaviour and if she’s roped your dad into it too, it’s well on the way to being abusive. If you do go on to have children, you might want to think about how much of a relationship you want them to have with your mother, because this level of intrusion and overstepping of boundaries is likely to ramp up massively once a baby is on the scene. She’s over invested in your life and that’s not healthy for anyone.

OP, this sentence in your reply really leaped out at me: “I feel like I'm waking up from a long dream where this was my life and I went along with belonging to someone like a possession.”
You need to instigate “the talk” with her. A similar talk to the one I had with my DC when COVID hit us, and we were going to be 4 adults under one roof.
We discussed that the family dynamic was now different, and although the DC would never stop being our children, WE were going to stop parenting them in the same way as we had while they were minors, and THEY were going to stop behaving like kids, step up and take on the basic household responsibilities more fairly. It’s worked!
Your circumstances are different, in that you have moved away, but you are not a possession, you’re an independent woman, and your DM needs to stop behaving as if you’re a child, and start realising that she has done a really good job of raising you to be that independent person.

Your Dad mitigating is him enabling her.

Two things - 1) Do the Freedom Program 2) Stick around on MN for a year or two. It's a masterclass in how to spot toxic behaviours from everyone and the vicars cat! I was able to work out so much about my childhood, early life, issues with my sister and why my relationship with my ex foundered after reading threads on here. It's the gritty underbelly of life in print. The stuff you can't discuss in real life with people you want to continue to stay friends with and it's invaluable IMO for navigating the world.

Some people are close to their mums and talk about these things, some don't neither is normal or abnormal. It is up to the individuals.

Sounds like you mum is keen to become a grandparent. Just tell her she will be the first to know when it happens and ignore her "keenness"

Congratulations on the new job.

Ask your mother if she wants you to share a fertility tracker app with her or if it is enough for you to text or leave a voice note the next morning if you have unprotected sex? Some people don’t understand that bedrooms have doors for a reason.

I can relate.
We didn't tell my parents when we were going through IVF, but did let them know that it hadn't worked, afterwards. Apparently that made me a truly abysmal daughter. The aftershocks rippled through our relationship for the rest of my mother's life, although we did manage to have a very honest conversation a few weeks before she died, when (I think because she felt ill and had stopped the power play) she shocked me to the core by WhatsApping me an apology for her behaviour.
It only took 25 years, but I think that she had felt entitled, then enjoyed the power of being wronged by her terrible daughter.

Possessive/batshit mothers are pretty difficult things. Distance yourself, and get on with your life, your way. You will manage. She may see sense and be shocked into re-engaging...(or may not, sorry.)

My god she's being awful. And imagine if you were having difficulties with fertility, this would be much worse for you. It's none of her business if and when you have kids. Congrats on your job, and that's a good attitude to have to not put everything on hold whilst TTC

The reason I said what I did in my pp is that I’ve seen all this behaviour before. A colleague stayed in bed for a week when her DS got with a new gf and bought a house. It takes the spotlight off of him and makes her the centre of attention as they all worry what’s “wrong” with her. Also, the child is an ‘extension’ of her. She needs to bask in his achievements which must be tip top to put her in a good light. If others of your age are having babies, well fuck me, she mustn’t be left behind. It’d be interesting to know about her own background and childhood. These behaviours often stem from trauma at a young age x

Ridiculous reply. OP's mum is being borderline abusive. Your comment about egg quality over 30 is totally bonkers.

3 people knew when we were TTC - me, DH & my best friend. BF knew as she'd supported me through losses.

Your mum is weird, as is the relationship and the comments from her. It sounds like she would be a nightmare of a grandmother too

Has she always been a narcissist ?

It’s your chance now to put some boundaries in place. Point out that you don’t own your children. You're not a brood mare. Your life is your own and I’d say that if she continues to behave like this you’ll distance yourself.

@Thempolsoltch
Your Mother is being entirely out of order.

Absolutely none of her business what you decide to do regarding having children and the timings of it.

My son {an adult} will never have children as he is getting a vasectomy.

So that means zero grandchildren for me.

Your mum is being very unreasonable.

This is not normal and potentially emotionally abusive to you, i.e. going off to bed in the afternoon. Very childish behaviour from her. Your fertility is none of her business and if and when you do have a baby I expect she will be an interfering grandmother.

It sounds like she's one of those people who spends all of her time day dreaming about how she wants scenarios to go and then when they don't she takes offence. Clearly she expects you to comply with her expectations and is carrying some serious bitterness around other people's lives, too.

She's giving main character energy, but only in her own head!

I wouldn't feed the beast, OP. You've got a lot going on with moving, new job and ttc in the backgound - all of those things are stressful and stress can affect conception.

Focus on you and let her get on with her own problems.

Im so sorry your mother is like this op.
None of what you have said about her is normal. I think it’s great you’re moving soon and I hope with some research you can develop some tools to help hold your boundaries (or go NC).
Congrats on your new job, I hope it and the move goes well xxx

Nope not bonkers, it's true.

When my mum got her first mobile phone I told her I was putting the home number down as ICE which stands for in case of emergency so if required emergency services would have a number to contact. A week later I was getting the silent treatment. I enquired why "you think I'm cold like ice which is why you have saved the number as ice family"

I have had a life time of "it was so hard for me when X happened to you" never any conversation about whether the various Xs were hard for me -at the time or later and during Xs I always had to save some energy for counselling her through my crisis.

She did not know I was TTC until I told her I was 17weeks pregnant. If there's a next time I might see if I can last until birth! She doesn't know my partner and I had a civil partnership last year and she doesn't know if I have a disability or if I'm ever ill. If she ever happens to phone and I'm clearly ill with a cold. I get phone calls over the following 3-4 months asking if it's better yet and how she is worried about me working whilst being ill. Ignoring all of my comments about me being better after a couple of days rest and have been well and back at work since.

My dad has joked about grandsons since I was about 19 but never seriously. As a broader family there has been a lot of pregnancy losses so whenever questioned about plans I used to always say "no one really knows if they will have a baby until they are bringing it home"

One thing I have learnt over the years is you do not have to share with anyone more than you are comfortable with, regardless of the relationship to you. As it happens I have discussed my thoughts of ttc again with friends in quite a lot of detail about the considerations and risks. Me and my daughter were both unwell after her birth and it's a risk and a fear. I could never have these conversations with relatives though as they are more invested and friends at more of a distance and it feels safer to speak to them as my decision doesn't cost them a fictional grandchild.

I am a believer in speaking about conception and decisions but absolutely don't do it with anyone that doesn't support you and focus on those that just lets you express your want and fears.

Based on what you’ve said, by “you’re her creation” - he meant ‘property’. You weren’t supposed to be an individual in your own right, you were envisioned to be vehicle through which she could realize her fantasies. That she wasn’t able to have more children means that it’s all on you, with the added expectation that it’s your duty to provide her everything she feels she’s missed out on. Your father is also manipulating you, but he’s taken the role of ‘good cop’ to your mother’s ‘bad’.

You didn’t, and don’t, owe her what she think she’s entitled to demand of you. You’ve been conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to feel guilty for being ‘a bad daughter’ (aka being an individual with your own life), and that is something it would serve you well to unlearn. Therapy could help here.