This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

OP, get therapy to help you readjust. x

I'm going to guess that your mum wants a baby in the family so she can

A) get a do-over with a new kiddo since you have a strained relationship

B) play dress up dolly with the baby and

C) brag to all about her grandchild for the attention

No she's not normal, no YANBU to find this all very weird and invasive and I would be going low contact. She seems too entitled to your very private matters.

(I'm very close to my mum, never once mentioned TTC with either child bar a "yeah might think about having a kid now" conversation before trying for DC1)

Congrats on your new job.

Expect this to ramp up with her now you're married and moved away. She's losing "control" and so her behaviour will worsen. Hold steady OP, it will be ok. X

I am guessing she’s in some kind of competition with her siblings who becomes a grandma first?

She sounds like a nasty cow. No, she isn’t normal.

This is not normal at all. If she is like this for a grandchild not conceived yet what would she be like for a real one when they come along?

I really feel for you OP as no doubt you had to live your childhood in the shadow of your mum’s moods and demands, and she’s continuing to do that now you’re an adult too. It’s not for you to make your mum happy and she needs to learn that. Our kids don’t exist to be a vehicle for our happiness. YANBU.

Having kids also tends to stir up complex emotions from our childhood and our relationship with our parents - something to think about when ttc.

I have a grown up DD and it would never occur to me to ask, well even think about whether she was thinking about having a baby. That's private information and nothing to do with me. I would be happy if she was/did but equally happy if she didn't. So I guess what I mean is I would be happy about whatever made her happy because I love and respect her. Just thinking about the idea of that sort of conversation makes me cringe actually. Congratulations on your new job btw, well done.

I am so happy you are moving. Well done.

I can relate to some of this. I was with my now-husband for five years before we were engaged. I did want to get engaged but it did not happen at that point. When I called my home, my dad said I could not speak to my mum because she had migraines and was ill because I wasn’t getting married. it poured salt into the wound and added so much pressure. I did want to get married but she was acting like I was doing something wrong because my husband had not wanted to get married at that point. It was very hurtful and I have not forgiven her. She made it all about her.

Did she only have one child out of choice? I’m wondering whether she wanted a larger family, but it didn’t work out, so she has become unhealthily invested in you. It’s certainly not healthy behaviour. She clearly struggles with emotional self-regulation and knowing where the boundaries of her identity end and yours begin.

This is absolute batshit. It's absolutely nothing to do with her even if you decided you never wanted kids!!!

It isn’t normal. Your mum has issues and does indeed sound narcissistic. Move away for that job and give yourself the breathing space you need. You’re going to have to put some strong boundaries in place if you do have children as she will be a nightmare gm (interfering, pulling the same sh*t on your kids that she does with you etc). And I would stop giving her any information about anything if I were you.

Your mum’s behaviour/ level of expectation is not normal no. And I agree with others that it’s probably a good thing that you’re moving away. I wonder if the emotional overreaction from her is more to do with the fact that you’re moving though? She’d been picturing being a grandma with her DD and new grandchild round the corner and giving herself a really active role in all that then now you’re going to be miles away and she’s feeling a bit thrown by it all. It doesn’t make it ok of course!

I have to admit I’m surprised by all the people who are apparently ‘super close’ to their mums but wouldn’t discuss ttc with them. My mum is no longer around but I feel sure I would have talked about it with her at some point as we were very close, although we were ttc for 4 years which took an emotional toll in itself and maybe that’s what is colouring my view. I did discuss it with my sister.

DH never once mentioned it to his parents in that 4 years though, which was fine and totally his call although felt weird for me to never be able to mention anything even like we can’t come to X because I’ve got an appointment at the clinic, just an odd time.

Your mum's just excited at the thought of a gran child, and is upset because it's not happening yet. I wouldn't put your fertility plans on hold. My friend waited until her Late 30s to have one, it never happened. She had private medical help twice. Which cost thousands. It never happened. They said she left it too long and her eggs were no longer viable. Apparently we dont make good eggs past 30, the quality deteriorates with age. She's in her 50s now.

Sounds like one of those parents who cannot see their child as an individual, so she basically sees you as an extension of herself. She cannot separate you from herself in her mind so your decisions are her decisions. Quite a lot of parents are like this but your mum seems fairly extreme, taking to her bed in offence because you have dared to make a decision she doesn’t agree with!

There are many words to describe your mothers behaviour and normal is not one of them.
To be blunt she is batshit.

It is nobody else’s business whether you have a child or not, nobody’s.
I think moving away was the best thing you could have done.
I recommend stepping back from both her and your father.
Don’t contact them and if they contact you keep things brief.
She is sounds very unpleasant.
Having a child is not a competition.
No wonder so many children are born to unfit parents ( I’m not classing you as one) if this is the pressure they are put under.
Congratulations in your job op.

Your mother's desire to be a grandmother has reached an extreme level that's making her behave in ways that aren't normal. You know she is hugely overstepping and her emotional reaction to pregnancy isn't at a healthy level. At a guess she has unresolved issues about not having another child herself and is seeing a GC as a replacement for that. While I think empathy is due (no longer being able to have a child can be traumatic) I also think it needs nipping in the bud. Sadly I think its best for everyone that you're moving away, because your mum needs to address her issues, come to terms with her life stage and find purpose in other things, and she won't do that while everything is pinned on a baby to be.

"She just keeps saying things to me that make me feel like I've been punched. I don't think it's normal for a mum to make her child feel like this?"
That isn't normal. But it's her, not you.

Sounds familiar to my mother.

All I can advise is GTFO there as soon as possible and go no contact.

I really, really hope all goes smoothly for you on your baby journey but if it doesn't...

I had a miscarriage, hemorrhaged and nearly died - no support just crickets and tumbleweed. My dog did a better job of looking after me. Any comments about not being woman enough, failure etc just broke me so much I never tried again. Just got another dog.

I can laugh about my life now but please don't repeat my mistakes of holding onto family too long just because they're family.

None of her beeswax. End of.

To be honest, 6 months is no time anyway, I got pregnant on honeymoon was was flung straight into the baby years. Take your time and enjoy it, it’s a lot to process. I’m amazed your mum is being like this at all but so quickly. Tell her to back off.

First, apologies for not having read the whole thread. I just feel for you so much OP. My daughter and I could not be closer (and I have an excellent relationship with her husband, which is lovely). However, I would never, never, never, ever get involved with any discussion re pregnancy/children unless they initiated it. This is your business, and no-one else's. Live your life, and leave it to her whether or not she gets over it: she is being completely unreasonable.

Your mother needs help. Meanwhile, live your life and make it clear it is your life and she'll be told, sometime in the future, when you are 12-14 weeks pg and there is no guarantee that will happen.

Suggest she gets a pet.

It's totally understandable that you want to keep some things private, especially when it comes to family planning. Your mum might be coming from a place of concern, but it's also important for her to respect your boundaries. Maybe when you're ready, you can have a heart-to-heart with her and explain your decisions.

This is all incorrect OP. We are all born with all the eggs we have, no one “makes eggs” during their lifetime. We all have good and bad quality eggs, their quality is impacted by age and some is us run out of eggs earlier than others. Conceiving in your 30s is absolutely standard and many people are having children in their 40s too.
I am really happy you’re moving away, your mum sounds like a nightmare. Do what’s best for you and your core family. You’ll be absolutely fine.

Yeah she will need a lot of management when you decide to have a baby. She will want to be involved in everything- clearly unresolved motherhood issues