This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

Not normal, no, but probably not that uncommon.

I don’t tell my mother anything. My long-term relationship ended a few months ago and I have been undergoing medical treatment the last few weeks and she doesn’t know about either of these things. She also doesn’t know that I am planning to move abroad with work later in the year.

I do sometimes feel sad that I don’t have a close mother-daughter relationship like some of my friends, or even just a relationship where I am comfortable sharing major life updates without fear of scorn and judgement, but I have accepted this is just not going to happen.

My advice would be to seriously cut down on what you tell her, and grey rock when she pulls her faux-sadness emotional blackmail nonsense.

Yes, and expect snide comments about how “you’ve changed” and “don’t care about your family anymore” because you dared to put up boundaries and take control of your life.

Ooft I could've written this about my own mother! You have done absolutely nothing wrong, but sadly that doesn't mean mothers will see that side of things!

I think that's a really weird question for your DM to ask. But also, seeing your update and that you're an only child - did she have fertility problems? I just wonder as her comment about false hope seems an odd thing for a (potential) grandparent to say. That doesn't make it ok but just wondering if there's something more behind her comment than just interfering....

Your sex life is none of her business, your family planning is none of her business, any fertility issues you may have? None of her business.

Tbh I'd ring your dad again and explain, can you imagine how upset I'd be if I was struggling with infertility for you to tell me how upset my mother is at my failure to get pregnant?

And this is why none of me and my siblings confide in or tell our mum anything, becuase we'd end up having to prioritise her feelings over ours when it's us it's happening to.

Sounds like moving away and asserting boundaries now will be a very good thing. If you don't put your foot down now you're gonna find it alot harder when you're pregnant and then tenfold when the baby comes.

On every level!!

How far away from her are you moving?

This sounds like my life. Distance is good.

Your decisions and experiences around TTC are your own business but some parents literally can't conceive of anything other than it being all about them.

I expect she has her own fertility demons. That doesn't excuse her behaviour. You can't change her, but you can learn to navigate her in a way that is healthier for you.

It is absolutely none of her business! She had no right to ask “where she stood” re your pregnancy plans (perhaps the exception being if she had agreed to give up work and look after your child after maternity leave).
I’m v close to my mum but never mentioned when we’d started ttc, only the good news when I was pregnant, and she never asked because like most people she respects that it’s private (maybe I would have if it had taken a long time and I was upset ).
From now on your response should be “our decision about when to have a baby is private, and when there is news to tell them I’ll let you know, but please don’t ask me about it any more”.

That's very weird and controlling. It is your choice to have a baby when works for you, you got a great opportunity that being pregnant/having a baby would interrupt and took a very sensible decision to hold off. You've been married less than a year, for crying out loud. Plenty of people wait a few years to have some time child-free one way or another.

You have to ask OP?

Very toxic, selfish & narcissistic. It’s none of her business whether you have a baby or not and when if you do. She must be supportive of this instead she’s making it all about her and punishing you in the process. I’m sorry OP, this must be so difficult xxx

Ew. I don’t understand why some women want to make being a grandmother their entire identity. Like congratulations, you’re related to someone else who had a child…

It’s none of her business. Desperate-to-be-grandparent parents are a nightmare. She needs to get a life.

Sounds like she has expectations that you will fall pregnant soon after wedding.

Its none of her business to be this nosy and moody.

As a mother of dds, one of whom who has 3 young dcs, it’s absolutely not normal! I never did, and never would have, asked dds about TTC or not. Absolutely not my business.

Dh and were told about pregnancies after they were confirmed, and that was it. Except to add that I would have been very sad for them if I knew they were TTC without success.

A friend of a dd had a mother who would endlessly bewail her lack of Gdcs - I felt so sorry for the poor girl, who just hadn’t yet found the right man to have babies with.

Tell her not to wait for grand children and focus on her life. You are not having kids for her.

This is not normal (unless you are an eighteenth century duchess - see life of Georgiana Cavendish) and is none of her affair at all. Most of us do not expect the intimate details of our children's sex lives and contraception or otherwise is pretty intimate. Tell her when you are pregnant.

Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family

I absolutely can’t believe you thought this question was normal, and actually answered her! She doesn’t ’stand anywhere’ in this regard, how extremely odd. I honestly would have stood there blinking like an owl for a while and then assumed I’d just misheard as I couldn’t comprehend someone could say that.

The irony of posters musing on the reasons behind OP's mum only having one child, whether she had fertility issues etc.

On a thread concerning the mother's lack of boundaries towards her daughter's family planning.

Honestly I think I'm so used to her eroding my boundaries. She treated me like her personal therapist for years and got angry when I told her I didn't want to hear about her problems anymore. She stopped telling me things and made out that it was a big sacrifice to not tell me stuff and I feel guilty about everything. I carry a black cloud of guilt around about everything. I always feel indebted to her and that loyalty to your parents is everything.

Yes, honestly. I love been researching FOG and I'm coming out of it feeling so confused :-(

Mum didn't like how my wedding day went and told me she didn't leave the house for a week after it, but she 'should be used to being disappointed by now'.

It really is all about her isn't it?

No one knew that we were ttc until we told them at 16 weeks that I was pregnant.

If you do have children I'd be very wary of how your mum treats them.

If our mother's weren't so dependant on us, I'd say our mother's could be pals 😉

We will never be good enough and if continue to have her around if/when you have children, she will have an influence over them...little snidey comments about how awful you are and how amazing she is. We try to be reasonable, set boundaries and be a grown adult with opinions and STILL we feel like a child who needs parenting. Say you have the grandchild she longs for (to show off and how YOU still need her and just CAN'T cope without her), she will not be happy still 🙄 something else will become the issue, it always does. I too am an only child and was put on this "my daughter and I are best friends...we even look like sisters", it took a long time to realise it wasn't normal behaviour and actually very toxic.

I binned her and my enabling father about 5/6 years ago but had started grieving the relationship before (there were other factors) and honestly, I feel free. We were made homeless just before and ended up moving miles away - that distance made it easier and more like a fresh start - and I never passed on our new address. I have the same number...I don't hear my phone ringing to ask what is wrong 😉 they instead have a 'new' family to influence and whine to. I wouldn't be suprised if that relationship has fizzled out as they always do when people start to see why their only child has nothing to do with them. It took a while to rid the guilt of "what if something happens and they need me" but consider, they made decisions and influenced mental, emotional and physical harm on a child by being the selfish/demoralising/hateful person they were. It doesn't have to be all three but she is no longer entitled to make you worry and ponder HER needs. Either set the boundary and distance, or distance and eradicate 😆

What is it with these women that think they can “want” a GC, and get upset because their own DC isn’t an avid incubator to fulfil their desires?
OP, your DM has taken not just one overstep, but a giant leap over your boundaries here - it’s absolutely none of her business whether or not you are ttc, whether or not you are pursuing a great career opportunity, or whether or not you are moving away Etc.
Her job was to bring you up and let you have your independence in life, having given you, and to continue to give you, all the love and support she can while she is still around. That’s all.
She doesn’t have the right to behave the way she is - perhaps your DDad can help her understand this? He sounds quite sensitive and could maybe bring her around…

“Where she stands” is on the “none of your business and we’ll let you know if that changes” step.