This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

I’m not usually one to say go LC but honestly op, this is way out of line and a massive red flag. It’s none of my business if, when, and whether or not my dds plan to have babies as long as they are happy. This is none of your mother’s business. You need to correct her every time she claims it is.

I’m sorry but imagine what she will be like if you do
go on to have dc. It will be hell. Move as far away for your career as you possibly can op 💐

As the mother of two young adult dds I have a very different perspective on this.

If one of them had honoured me with the information that they were trying for a baby, I would wish them well and say nothing more until a pregnancy was announced or they chose to speak to me about infertility or whatever. I certainly would not be making it about me and asking “where do I stand” as if my dds had to get pregnant according to a timetable that suits their mother. It would be intrusive, insensitive, and impertinent to do that.

Nor would I assume that ttc is always easy or is not sometimes interrupted by career changes, relationship issues, stress, illness, and again, those things are none of my business unless I am ASKED for advice. I would certainly support any career changes my dds pursued.

Finally, I would not be putting pressure on my dds to do things to make me happy! I am responsible for my own happiness thanks!

Surely it is evident that any nt adult who deals with relationship disagreements (self inflicted in this instance) by sulking and taking to their bed for the afternoon is immature and manipulative? And however the op “handled it” she would be in the wrong! Op probably only told her mother in the first place because she felt pressured in to doing so!

A couple of further thoughts. This mother is a (late) middle aged woman not a child she shouldn't need her expectations managed.

I came along when my parents were married 3 years, some people have kids straight away, but some settling down after getting married is normal even if the couple want kids. You should be able to confide in your parents, and not hold things back as if they are a five year old unable to understand that the holiday they are going on is not happening tomorrow.

Maybe it's partially because she knows I've always wanted children and she doesn't want me to go through the fertility issues she did. However I just have this weird instinctive urge not to tell her things.

Before we got married, my then fiance (willnjust refer to him as DH!) was staying with us for a few days. Mum had gone to bed and we were up with my dad. Fiance got an email to say that a guy that he worked with had been killed suddenly. He was so shocked. They weren't close but saw eachother every day and dh was upset. We told Dad what happened and DH went up to bed. My parents did not know him or of him. I followed DH up to bed and didn't go into my mum to tell her. I don't know why I didn't, I just didn't. I guess I wanted to go straight up to my husband.

The next morning, mum knocked on the bedroom door. She came in and looked as cold as ice. She looked at me and said 'your dad told me about X dying'. She looked through me as if she wanted an explanation as to why I hadn't told her the previous night. I sort of mumbled what happened to the colleague and she continued to just stare at me and with the coldest, emptiest expression, just shut the door. My DH turned to me and said 'is she annoyed that X died???'. I sighed and said 'she's annoyed I didn't tell her as soon as I knew'.

It's that weird level of entitlement to the details of my life that I'm realising are totally mad.

thats a classic narcissist behaviour I would suggest.

Nope, you're an adult...regardless of if she's your mum, regardless of if you've got a brilliant or crap relationship...it's none of her business.

She sounds like an intrusive, confrontational person who's thinks she's entitled to know your private life.

Having children is a personal subject. And she doesn't have to know anything unless you want to divulge it.

Good luck op x

This is actually quite chilling to read - it's really all about her, isn't it?

What does your DH think of her behaviour? I do think you would benefit from some therapy to help deal with her.
If you do get a chance to move far away with work, do take it (if it's what you want!) & don't be afraid of her.