To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

[Abutre]

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

I think YABU to make a statement about all mums. But it’s fine if you don’t want a promotion, just tell your boss that.

I think it is realistic for a lot of people. I got promoted when I went back after mat leave and I know a few others who did. It doesn’t sound like you like your job very much at the moment, have you considered doing something else or going part time?

What sort of things are you thinking about when you’re working? Have you thought about speaking to someone about it?

If what you are asking is "is it unreasonable to say to my boss thanks for your support, but I'm happy in my current role for the time being and don't want to seek a promotion" then no, not at all unreasonable, you can feel this way for many reasons.
But don't take offence at a manager who is invested in your career development and wants to support your progression - that's the mark of a good organisation in my opinion!

I do think you're being unreasonable to suggest mothers are in a special category of responsibility though - for example in my small team alongside some mums we've also got a colleague who has her mother with dementia living with her, and another who is undergoing cancer treatment - I'm sure they both feel the same way!

Give 100% of the proportion of your energy that you reserve for work.

So if you run at 25% in the office give 100% of that 25!

YABU, some may struggle but many can perform properly at work when their children are toddlers. It does us a real disservice to say we aren’t capable for years after having a child. When you get to work, leave your home crap at home and crack on with your job.

Do they pay you the absolute maximum they can? Almost definitely not. Should you put the minimum effort in at work 100%.

If you want to go in for promotion then put in a bit more but always put in the bare minimum.

Some people will disagree with this stance but when i moved offices I went from a great team where we all worked hard to a team that throws each other under the bus as a hobby. As a result I was always being chucked under it. I realised this office is a bare minimum office. Once I got my head around it, it's so easy to just plod, do the minimum and go home.

This. You’re absolutely within in your rights to say you’re not interested in promotion right now, but that certainly isn’t the case with all parents of young children. I know I was more productive after I went back from mat leave, as were many friends — something about paying for childcare meaning you had to work smarter, as well as having a whole other th8ng going on in your life.

Not all mum’s feel this way but I have to admit that I did for the first couple of years after going back, I was just trying to survive the sleep deprivation and juggle everything I needed to do on a daily basis.

It's up to you. When we had children I was working on my career, OH had a good position doing work he enjoyed so we agreed he'd be main carer and effectively put his career on hold turning down several promotions and opportunities.

If you're in the position where you want to basically pause your career while you focus on family I'd be fine with that. How you relay that to your manager depends on your relationship.

I think you are very wrong to say they shouldn’t expect it of a mother.

You don’t want it yet and that’s fine. I have many colleagues and team members that have no interest in progressing. For many reasons. Then that changes.

One of my team was very ill. And just wanted an admin job that she could leave at the door when went home to get better work life balance. 5 years later she wants to progress.

A peer of mine has been very vocal that she wants no progression until her kids are older.

If you aren’t looking for progression then tell them that. That’s your responsibility. Any boss or employer that assumed mothers don’t want progression would find themselves committing discrimination.

You're fine to not want a promotion. As long as you're doing your job/meeting the requirements of your role that's honestly fine .

Should teachers and surgeons who happen to be mothers of young children give the bare minimum at work? Should the nursery staff who have young children do the bare minimum for your child?
Many working mothers would be offended by your comments. Life is hard for lots of people for a variety of reasons not just mothers.

I think it’s just that your boundaries become a lot firmer. When they’re little, you’re often leaving dead on time to collect from childcare, then to take to after school activities. Then throw in caring responsibilities for elderly relatives. Your time is so much more limited and it doesn’t go away as they leave the toddler years.

I have a relatively intense, highly skilled professional job. I welcome the mental break from the toddler/home admin! One colleague told me she’s surprised how relaxed I am coming into work and I told her it’s the first ‘peace’ I get after dropping the toddler at nursery 😂 (my job is not peaceful). I do all home admin (appointments, finances, legal etc) as hubby can’t be bothered to do it but I just have to put it aside when at work. So, while I understand where you are coming from, YABU to imply all parents feel the way you do. If you don’t want to take on more that’s understandable.

Personally i was so aleep deprived, survival was my main criteria. But I did become more efficient, much more capable of making decisions and more assertive after children.

I never really know what people mean by 110% though. Is that usually taking on things that arent part of your job to prove yourself capable and working extra hours to do it.

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

I'd actually take this as them having noticed you're not giving 100% and trying to gently and tactfully steer you in the direction they want you to go in!

My workplace don’t have unrealistic expectations of parents of young children. They have the same expectations of them, as of others being paid the same wage for the same work.

If one feels overwhelmed, there are options to take extended parental leave / reduce working hours. But you don’t get more of a free pass just because you have children at home. If you get paid the same as others at your level, the exact same amount of dedication and hard work is expected of you.

why mothers and not parents?
you're effectively saying that for women careers are secondary to children so shouldn't be taken as seriously - maybe women should just do little jobs for pin money?

I've been in this position and still am although kids are older. It really isn't your works concern how you manage your life outside at the end of the day. It's on you. Go for the promotion or don't. I only went for a promotion last year when kids were 6 and 8 as there's no way I could work 110% with babies/toddlers.

In my experience, its easier when they're toddlers. Once they're at school, homework, hobbies, play dates etc it gets much more of a juggle!

It's interesting that your DH's job is so inflexible... Is it really? Family should be a team.

YABU, I can't speak as a parent but I am the main carer for my Parent who has dementia, complex care needs/disabilities following multiple strokes and cannot be left alone for more than an hour. So I get having heavy commitments and a long list of ongoing concerns preoccupied my attention.

I have care in place, as presumably do you. When I'm working I'm focused on work, but when I finish work I switch off work concerns and focus on everything else.

If you feel you can't do your job properly then look at changing to a job you can manage. Change your hours or responsibilities to match your other commitments. I work less than full time and have clear boundaries so everyone understands when I'm at work I'm working (obviously barring emergency) and when I'm home I'm not working.

Would you accept your attitude if it was coming from the person providing your childcare? I suspect you would rightly want them to be giving 100% effort and attention to their job regardless of what else is going on in their life.

Problem with a lot of jobs is that if you aren't doing the work someone else has to.

YABU. You can’t speak for everyone and it’s a bit irritating that you have assumed it will always be mothers who take the strain at home so will be poorer employees.
I did hang back at work until mine were older but that manifested itself in part time hours, not reduced effort while I was there.

There's a massive gap between doing the bare minimum and 110%.

Nothing wrong with working to the role, but doing the minimum 'because you have a toddler' is a bit of a pisstake. The toddler is somewhere else while you're at work, so crack on and fulfil the terms of your contract.

Absolutely this.