To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

[Abutre]

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

Don't blame you, but if this is a common feeling / attitude can we really blame workplaces for not rushing to hire mums with young kids. Bet her partner who hasn't even changed his work hours is completely unaffected and working as normal...

It's absolutely fine for you to not want a promotion at this time in your life.
However, it's wrong ( not to mention discriminatory if presumed by an employer ) to assume all mothers of young children feel the same.

In these kinds of situations, I’ve learned to give myself 24h to calm down, so I don’t react emotionally.

Then when I have calmed down explain why they were wrong to say it, and why.

Not even really just to make my point, but for future situations when similar tactless comments might result in a negative situation.

Bet her partner who hasn't even changed his work hours is completely unaffected and working as normal...

As she is doing all nursery drop offs then I think we can assume this is the case.

The problem is with the husband not her employer.

Giving 110% is a stupid expression and YANBU to choose not to do that whether you have a toddler or not.
Having kids likely means you can’t devote a massive amount of time outside your normal work hours to your job on a regular basis even if you’d like to but so do other things like having elderly relatives or aging pets that need lots of care and attention or having caring responsibilities for a sibling or spouse that’s unwell. Arguably we should all be better at setting boundaries and not working loads of additional time even if it’s not for a particular reason. Normalising idea of a contract for 40 hours a week where you work 45/50/60 or whatever is not a good thing. It’s not like it’s always very productive to do so anyway.

YABU to say mums shouldn’t be looking at promotions though. I had 2 one when I had an 18 month old and was pregnant with my second and one when they were 4 & 6. It’s definitely possible to both be committed while at work to that and to have a clear cutoff when you stop and move to focusing on the kids/home life and many parents do that.

You and your OH are a team. It’s highly doubtful his work is truly that inflexible all the time that he can’t share the household/childcare load. My OH worked somewhere when kids were small that suggested his wife could do it first time he had to leave to pick up a poorly toddle from nursery. I couldn’t as I was out of the country on a work trip but he did say upfront to his manager that if I were not away he’d be going anyway because I covered the last bug and we would be taking turns. Fathers have the same right to parental leave as mothers. Ultimately if your OHs work is that poor at recognising men can also be parents and totally inflexible he could look to move roles. It’s what my OH did and then we both had a period of part time when we had 2 in nursery.

Yes. If the fathers of toddlers are not similarly too exhausted and overwhelmed to give their minds to work or seek promotion, then there’s an imbalance in the home.

There's a huge presumption here that her DH can change his work hours. I couldn't have changed mine, nor could my DH, nor can my daughters and nor can my son's in law. How lovely that some of you have that flexibility, but you can't assume that others can.

Luckily for daughter #2, it's her DH whose hours enable him to do nursery drop off and pick up. Funnily enough I doubt that mumsnetters will slag her off for not changing her hours.

Women spent decades trying to prove that employing us wasn’t pointless as ‘we would only get pregnant’. It’s fine to take a step back when your kids are babies, but you should try to negotiate a role with less responsibility while you are not able to carry out the full duties of your usual job. That might mean a temporary pay cut, but that’s only fair if someone else is picking up the slack for you.

There shouldn’t be a question of 110% whether you are a parent or not. If everyone does what they are paid for, that’s as it should be.

I might be odd but honestly when mine were young I totally focused on work when I was there probably more than i did before or since as I couldn’t make up the time by working late

When at work you need to be concentrating on work, obviously there's always the occasional emergency with young kids but i don't think you should be generalising. When I'm working, I'm working (or at least was until this job which is far more flexible, I do hone admin at work etc)

There's a huge presumption here that her DH can change his work hours. I couldn't have changed mine, nor could my DH, nor can my daughters and nor can my son's in law. How lovely that some of you have that flexibility, but you can't assume that others can.

But that's not her employer's fault.
Her employer isn't unreasonable to expect her to focus on work or to suggest a promotion.

If her family situation doesn't allow for her to focus on her career then that is something she needs to reconcile with herself and her husband rather than blame her employer.

Well if both of you are working and neither can change hours then clearly either someone needs to change jobs or you need to find childcare that covers different hours.
What job makes it impossible to ever do some of the drop offs/pick ups and to share childcare? I have friends who do shift work and it’s certainly the case some weeks they can’t drop off as they start super early or are just finishing nights and others can’t pick up as they are on lates but they can do one or the other. I have friends who both work 9-5 but with ~1hr commute where they had to get childcare cover 7:30-6:30 but even then one could head in early and one could finish later if they were busy.

You shouldn’t be at work if you can’t do the job.

It's nice that your manager is interested in supporting you to progress.

It's absolutely fine for you to say that you don't want to right now.

Wait - where did OP say that she can't do the job?

She said she didn't currently want a promotion. That's a different thing entirely.

I agree but it's mums and dad's in my experience.

I am quite insulted to be included in your "all mothers" statement. If you don't want to or can't give your all during the day that's up to you, but don't assume all working mothers are like you. I worked my arse off before DD was born and continued to do so after. Just because I became a mother didn't mean my career stopped being important also, I just, as some PPS have said, readjusted my boundaries. You don't want to do that, absolutely fine, but don't negate the hard work and commitment of other women.

It’s fine to not want a promotion. But “doing the bare minimum to get by” suggests something else to me.

If you don't want a promotion (yet) and cannot function as a full member of the team, why not find a temporary job where it doesn't matter that you are not giving 100%?
Otherwise, it's just selfish, and while understandable, it is not fair on your colleagues, nor those that pay your wage.
You are in a professional role; you should be working professionally

I hope this is a deliberately goady thread and you aren’t being serious.

Of course it’s fine not to want to go for promotion and to do what you need to do and no more, whatever your circumstances.

But it’s utterly bizarre and sexist to suggest that many mothers don’t want promotion, or that managers shouldn’t expect them to.

Employers should be flexible but equally when you are at work you should be reasonably focused. We all have bad weeks but if you really can’t be then your partner needs to do more and/or you need better systems or some focus training.

I think it's entirely up to you if you don't want to be promoted, but any employer has the right to expect any employee to give 100% to the job they are being paid for. It's not your employer's fault if you're not prepared to commit to your job and I think your comment that it's a joke to expect someone to give their all to a job when they are a mother to a young child is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on Mumsnet.

Fine not to want to work long unpaid hours in the vague hope of a promotion.

Not fine to do what so many of my mum* colleagues do and do 2/3 of what the workload is, leaving the rest to be covered by other people who are paid the same.

Would you tell your boss to their face that the employer can't expect a mother to do her job properly?

*very few men in my department, those that are dads don't behave like this.

YABU

"I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother."

Seriously??? So people without kids (or who have older children) have to give 100% at work and pick up the slack for you because you made the decision to have a baby so can do the bare minimum???

Get a job that doesn't require as much effort if you're struggling. Not fair on your employer.

Definitely this.

Its a way of nicely saying 'you're a grifter, put your finger out'

I'd actually take this as them having noticed you're not giving 100% and trying to gently and tactfully steer you in the direction they want you to go in!

That was my first thought too. OP I presume you realise you can tell your employer that you're not looking for promotion, it's not mandatory after all? However the sense I get is that you don't want to lose out on promotion but want some understanding from your employer that in getting it you won't be giving 100%, because you're a mother. Which is extremely unreasonable if true.

Having kids is a lifestyle choice, not a favour you're doing to society. You're not entitled to still "have it all"