To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

[Abutre]

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

Yes YABU. Some people remain more than just mums and actually a nursery age kid is wayyyy easier than a school aged kid when it comes to work. If you don’t want to progress that’s on you, that’s not all mums at all!

This. In my last role the people in my team who took the absolute piss were not mums with young kids. One male who was just completely incompetent and another woman with much older kids who was just waiting for a redundancy package. The reason I left that role was because I couldn't deal with working with them and getting paid the same (or probably less) for doing double the work. I I did this while getting about 3 hours sleep a night.

If you are not able to fully function in your current role due to something external, then its worth considering whether you should make adjustments such as reducing your hours, or getting your husband to step up and do more, so you can fully commit to the work you are doing, and do it to the best of your ability.

As others have said, if you are functioning at 50% then it means someone else in your team is having to do extra to pick up the bits you are not doing. Of course everyone isn't 100% every day, there are days when a bit under the weather etc. But to accept that for the next year or 2 you arent going to do your job properly is not fair on your employer or colleagues - who may also have extra demands on their capacity such as caring for children or older relatives, health issues etc

Depends what you mean by bare minimum really.

I have a baby and a 4 year old and while I'm hitting and sometimes exceeding my goals at work, I'm definitely not volunteering for extra things or to do after-hours or weekend work. I'm just making sure I'm super efficient when I'm actually at work.

If you're not meeting your goals and having other people pick up your slack, then that's a problem.

As a mother (or any parent) you have a responsibility to make sensible choices about what you can or cannot take on. Whilst it's fine to just want to stick with your role and not seek promotion....work doesn't have to be a race to the top. I find your comments a little concerning when you say "What's expected of working parents is unrealistic". Why should parents have a lower expectations than other staff? This sort of thing breeds resentment in the workplace. I say this as a teacher (and a parent) who feels that my employers expectations are unrealistic for all staff not just parents.

Can you actually look at where the expectations are too high in your job and find some solutions? In my job there is a lot of take home work and I have found that having kids has made me rethink how much pointless or inefficient work and marking I was doing.

I have always done the after school pick ups and find I am having to pick up work later in the evenings but it wouldn't bacceptable let for me to say to colleagues that I'm not marking those exams or planning those lessons because I've got kids. That's the job and I can either do it or quit and go and do something easier. My dh always does the morning drop offs so he arrives later to work but then stays later, should he finish at the same time as his colleagues and just not do the same work because he has kids?

It's a choice I've made, to keep up with my career whilst having small kids so I have something left for me after they've grown up. The reality is that parenting is pretty full on and so is having a career and to do both will be pretty full on and you will have to work harder each day than your colleagues who are child free because you will work all day and then go home and have to parent all evening.

Part of becoming a mum as a full-time working professional, in my experience, requires

• establishing new boundaries (for the sake of your family and your own health/sanity)

• focusing your time and energy on the work/tasks that matter most (ie highest priority and highest 'value' work)

• being kind and forgiving to yourself, and keeping things in perspective.

And it's ok to take a step back and reassess if this is still the role/job you want for yourself now.

Long term poster here and find it interesting that on all of these types of post the Dad just absolutely can't change his work schedule to accommodate the kids. So it's all left to Mum and she gets snowed under and round and round it goes. Did you discuss this at all? Did kids come as a surprise? Things will never change if families keep making these choices

The main difference for me is that I can't work long hours any more. During 9 to 5 I am ruthlessly productive but I always take an hour for lunch so that I can exercise, do the washing (if wfh) and I log on at 9 and off and 5 on the dot.

I also never, ever volunteer for things and delegate as much as possible.

It is challenging as I was previously super committed and would work late, weekends etc, but I just can't any more and no one seems to have noticed. I have had the same appraisal rating every year for a decade and my pay is unaffected.

Many women do manage to do well in careers with children but it’s okay to refuse a promotion.
It is possible that you’re doing enough now ‘to get by’ without it being noticed so I’d keep your attitude to yourself!

Sometimes when you're stretched the throwaway comments linger, and seem more than they are.

I was in hospital all day on Monday with my toddler. Emergency situation to do with her breathing. Should have been at work, was in contact with the office all day with updates.

Got home Monday night, knackered and worried and rang my boss, who told me he'd 'give me the day, but I'd owe it to him and he didn't like it when people didn't pay what they owed, or took advantage of a situation.'

I nearly got back in my car, drove to his house and smacked him on the chops - I was so angry in that moment. However. I went back to work yesterday (three day week) and not a word was said, normal with me.

I think he was a tactless arsehole who didn't think before he spoke, but I also think I was pretty strung out and reacted to it worse than if it had been a normal day? If he said that to me under normal circumstances I'd roll my eyes, tell him to piss off and then ignore him. Certainly wouldn't have been looking at jobs on reed all evening!

This is one alternative view.

I wondered if it's also the boss' way of saying they recognise what you're doing with everything you have to manage and want to keep you engaged and happy even. People get promotions after children on merit, and also because companies recognise the long term investment in good people.

The only way you'll really know is to talk to them - understand what the promotion opportunity looks like, what's expected to achieve it and what support you'll get to get there (and that may be understanding that you might not be 100% of an older version of you but 100% of a new version).

That's when you can weigh up the opportunity and your future plans to decide if it's something you can pursue now or not.

I would pull them up on 110% bull and agree with another person who said you can only give work 100% of the time and energy you can allocate it. Give it everything whilst you're there, but don't allow it to spread into other time or leave you too drained for life.

Is this a parody post?

If not its slightly depressing.

You are a parent. Congratulations. Your spouse is also a parent. It's either a partnership or not.

In my view, anyone in a role at work that they cannot fulfill should change something. Either greater equality at home to share the responsibilities equally. Or reduce responsibilities at work. Or look for another job.

Otherwise the misogynistic cycle continues. Both at home and at work.

Yanbu I've always only done the absolute minimum I could do without getting the sack kids or no kids.

Never understood people who gave their time to their employers for free

Brabican

Should teachers and surgeons who happen to be mothers of young children give the bare minimum at work? Should the nursery staff who have young children do the bare minimum for your child?

Absolutely this.
In my job it would have been extremely unfair to those I was dealing with (as well as potentially dangerous) to just do the bare minimum, as well as unfair to my colleagues (who all had their own responsibilities at home too).

Certainly explain to your boss you don't want to seek promotion while you've got young children - I chose not to climb the career ladder when mine were young - but don't think having DC makes you a special case.

Perhaps your 89% looks like other people's 110%.
If you are doing your job well, then keep going rather than fretting about a turn of phrase.

Your OP basically gives any employer carte blanche not to employ mothers or those who might shortly become mothers. What are you even thinking?

Yes, it's fine not to go for promotions when home life is busy, but to basically say that your employer can't expect you to do more than the bare minimum because you're a mother, is setting feminism and women in the workplace back by fifty years

Hear hear.

So you think that employers shouldn't offer promotions to mothers with young children?!

Women have fought for years for their employment rights but you want to roll that back because it's too much for you personally?

Wtf?

I have had several promotions after having my children - I think it actually made me better at my job because I got better at cutting through the crap and seeing what was really important. Also good people wanted to work for me because I was very willing to offer good people opportunities to shine because I couldn't be everywhere and getting a good team is a big part of doing well in a senior role.

In 1981 I applied for my dream job. I was 26. At interview I was asked if I was planning to have a family in the next few years. That question used to be allowed. And had I said that I was, I would not have been offered the job.

People like you are the reason that employers got away with that. Women fought and fought to be seen as equal to men in the workplace. And you want to tear up all that progress. It's sickening.

YANBU, there's a lot to be said for doing what you're paid for, but doing it well. This has served me well over the past few years. To the extent I've turned down 2 offers of promotion.

I love my job, but find it easy, not too stressful and very flexible. It pays well but gives me lots of time with my family, I'm happy and that's far more important to me than the word Director in my job title or more money.

My boss and the company are happy, and by the sounds of things so is yours OP, they wouldn't mention promotion otherwise, so keep doing what you're doing and have a conversation with you boss, explain you're happy where you are whilst your dc are young, and you might be looking at furthering your career when your dc are older. Any boss worth their salt would understand and appreciate this.

YABU for generalising your feelings to all mothers. I maintain my boundaries at work, I leave on time and I work part time to spend more time with my DC, but I still give 100% when I'm working and I've been promoted twice since coming back from maternity leave.

Fine for you not to want to go for promotion at the moment, but please don't hold an attitude that all mothers want to coast or should be held back from professional progression.

“I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic.”

YABU. I am just as able to do my job well as my male and childless colleagues.

I am very busy. I don’t get much downtime. It’s not easy.

But let’s not expect less from mothers just because they are mothers. Accommodations for managing childcare etc? Sure. Inability to attend an evening event? Fine.

But not as able to do the job? Come on.

There’s a long way between bare minimum and 110%, going for a promotion. I’m all for aiming for good enough as realistic when you’re still sleep deprived and every other week there’s a new sickness bug come home, but bare minimum sounds like taking the piss a bit. I expect to give as much as I realistically can during my working hours, but not to work considerably over those.

Also, a year is long time in toddlerville. I struggled with balancing work when DS was a young toddler (also Covid didn’t help) but also managed to get a promotion by the time he was 3.

It’s not a question of giving your time for free. It’s a question of giving your commitment to your job during working hours, which your employer has every right to expect in return for your salary.

You put back the case for equality if you say that you aren’t committed to the work you’re being paid for when you’re in the workplace. Having equal opportunities means equal responsibilities, including those to your employer, as well as to your family. You aren’t a special case because you’re a parent.

By all means, decline any promotion if you feel that you can’t accept more responsibility. But don’t short change your employer. As a PP said, there are some jobs and careers in which lack of commitment could be unfair at best and catastrophic at worst.

If anything I brought more quality versus quantity. I got a lot more discerning on applying resources (my time) to areas that just needed to be culled, I learnt to stop fire fighting, say no unless projects were properly resourced, and to step back a bit more.

I brought better quality as I had to be much more time sensitive. I brought an energy to prove to myself "I still had it".

I have progressed four levels since my second child ten years ago. Becoming a mother made me want to personally succeed career wise for them and myself. Happy mother happy children!

You just need to figure out what will make you happy but please don't assume mothers are a homogeneous group. It doesn't sound like you are happy in your job or is it just a bump in confidence?

You didn't loose any of yourself in becoming a mother you gained but it may not be obvious at first.