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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

217 replies

Abutre · 11/04/2024 07:09

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

OP posts:
Btwmum23 · 14/04/2024 13:49

people like you are the reason why it is so hard for working mums to get promoted and be in leadership roles. As you are doing the bare minimum many bosses would expect other mothers to do the bare minimum and this bias would prevent them to be put for promotion, been given the nice projects etc.
luckly there are many mothers who give 110% at work and stretch themselves even when they have small kids. I am one of them. I have always worked hard, top of the class, got a phd, I am just hard working and I don’t mind staying up late to work hard instead of watching tv. Each to their own but if you are slacking just get a different easier job and do not tarnish it for all the hard working mothers out there

LEWWSH · 14/04/2024 14:29

I can’t speak for everyone (I don’t think you should try and speak for all mothers of small children TBH) but I was more effective when I went back to work from mat leave. I was better at working quicker, more efficiently, faffing less and compartmentalising. There were days I might have been tired and a bit below par, but that’s the same for everyone - not just the domain of new parents. I think it gives parents of small children a bad name if it’s assumed they get an easier life than others who earn the same.

SkyBloo · 14/04/2024 16:23

You should not have to "give 110%" to get promoted ffs

The work you do in your existing role should enable you to develop skills and breadth of experience over time and eventually those skills/experience make you worthy of promotion.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 14/04/2024 16:43

The work you do in your existing role should enable you to develop skills and breadth of experience over time and eventually those skills/experience make you worthy of promotion.

This assumes that everyone wants promotion and that there are an unlimited number of promoted roles. In many workplaces a person can be perfectly competent and content staying at the level they’re on. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

Judecb · 14/04/2024 17:48

This attitude is what sets womens rights back 40 years.

ilovegranny · 14/04/2024 17:53

Yes, you bloody well should feel guilty!

TrixieMixie · 14/04/2024 18:09

I have a serious health condition myself, a recently widowed mum and my husband has cancer, and I have at certain periods been up most of the night with him, then gone into work. I have had two big promotions in the couple of years this has been the case, and bonuses. My job is full time and involves long hours. I'm knackered and have a lot on my mind, but quite honestly work is source of self-esteem and stops me going mad. I manage by compartmentalising. So short answer, yes it's perfectly possible to go above and beyond at your job with other big things going on in your life. It sounds like you don't want to, and that's fine too.

MrsMarni · 14/04/2024 18:19

Why do you think that you deserve a special treatment in comparison to someone who doesn’t have a child. It is your choice to have a child.

DrHGS · 14/04/2024 18:32

Abutre · 11/04/2024 07:09

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

I felt like this when my kids were small. I just didn’t have the headspace for thinking about progressing at work. Now they are both in school, I’m starting to think more about career progression again. My kids were not great sleepers so I was permanently exhausted and just trying to get through the day. I think it’s totally fine to say to your boss you are not up for promotion at this point.

bumblebee1000 · 14/04/2024 18:36

I once had a colleague who was generally late every day and left early mostly and often bleated on about her having a small child and expected everyone to accomodate her...she was self entitled and very annoying.

Menopausalandgrumpy · 14/04/2024 18:37

you obviously feel overwhelmed but that’s not works fault. I understand that feeling but had no option but to care for my SEN child, rescue dog and deal with family stuff including mental health issues. I am quite old too! It only got too much when I was pushed to do 50 hours plus.
i don’t think it’s unrealistic at all to be a parent and cope ok at work, sounds like there’s something else going on for you. Does your work offer any well-being packages?

Toptops · 14/04/2024 19:38

Yes of course YABU to do the bare minimum at work because you have a young child.
What are you even thinking?!
Many people at work have stuff going on which you may not even know about - medical conditions, carer responsibilities, family problems etc but you carry on and do your best.
I used to work with someone who had your attitude and co workers found it difficult because we had to pick up the slack

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 14/04/2024 19:44

I have a young toddler. I spend a lot of time at work also thinking about "home stuff". But I also LOVE my job and want to do it well, so I do. If I'm distracted by important home stuff, I'll sort it out and then go back to work. If it's not important I'll write it on my list and sort it later. I had a promotion within a few months of coming back from mat leave.

It's not a mindset every mother has. My boss and I (babies very close in age) both want to spend as much time with our toddlers as possible and aren't actively seeking promotions or changes, although that doesn't mean we wouldn't consider opportunities if they arose. However, another colleague who had their baby the same kind of time has had two promotions since returning from mat leave and was already much more senior.

It's absolutely fine for you to not want to progress in your career at the moment. Everyone has different priorities. It's not ok to tar everyone with the same brush. Because we all have different priorities, and circumstances, and lives, and jobs.

89redballoons · 14/04/2024 19:51

I know how you feel OP. Personally I coped fine with demanding work plus one young child, but I'm currently trying to deal with demanding work plus two young children plus some additional caring responsibilities for an adult family member who is long-term ill, and I'm totally not able to give 100% at work - realistically not even able to give even 70%-ish most days. I feel like I've been sleepwalking through my career for the last few years, even though I've had a promotion during that time.

I'm looking to move to something lower paid but with more family friendly hours in the next few months, still relevant to my current area of practice but public sector so none of the client schmoozing or billing stuff required. I think it will suit me and make family life a lot easier and happier too.

It does feel a bit crap to have studied and worked for so long and to have family life snuff out my ambition like this, but hey ho. I've seen lots of women do it in my industry, I guess I used to pity them a bit but now I get why.

bonzaitree · 14/04/2024 20:07

I see your bosses comment as being positive. I see how hard your working- let’s talk about promotions at the end of the year. That’s my interpretation.

Just carry on OP I think you’re probably doing better than you think

VampireWeekday · 14/04/2024 20:18

I think it's very reasonable that your manager isn't treating you differently because you had a child. My workplace were scrupulous about this with me and it really made a difference to my self esteem, knowing I hadn't been "mummy tracked". That said, I personally wasn't up to devoting myself to work completely with a child as well, I just can't do it. I'm a worse mum than I wanted to be and my career dreams have gone up in flames. Truly the worst of all worlds. So I understand the sentiment and it applies to me as well, but still, it's a decision for us to make and not for managers to impose. Manager is right to keep treating you as the worker you were before children, because a lot of women want that still.

VampireWeekday · 14/04/2024 20:19

Also no one would dream of not putting a new dad on a promotion pathway, so why should the expectation be different for mother's?

Elaina87 · 14/04/2024 20:24

You're right it's not realisitic but also... You wouldn't want to be overlooked for promotiok just because you're a Mum? Depends what it is you want. If you don't want a promotion then tell them, say right now you're doing the best you can but are happy to stay where you are.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/04/2024 00:16

Do you feel the same about the doctors or nurses who see you or your child, that they don't need to give 100%?

When your child goes to nursery/school, is it OK of the teachers don't give 100%?

Midwives, traffic wardens, cleaners, how about pilots not giving 100% or is it just for you?

You chose to have kids, you also chose the job. Why do you feel its ok not to give what's needed but expect to be paid the same?

You could find another job, go part-time etc but you want to have your cake and eat it too.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 15/04/2024 11:34

Abutre · 11/04/2024 07:09

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

So, just to be clear, you feel you should do the bare minimum because you have children? And, you think it's a joke to even expect anything more from a mother?

Bringing you back to the real world, just because you have children isn't an excuse. I would expect my employees to be working at "the expected level".

If your bare minimum meets the requirements of the job, then there is nothing wrong with being an average (mediocre) employee. Not everyone aspires to go further in their career.

You could always go part-time to allow you to do "other things".

Rhaenys · 15/04/2024 22:06

I’m an advocate of doing the bare minimum at work, children or no children. 🥴

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2024 22:09

BlossomMill · 13/04/2024 20:36

Omg this.

Show quote history

Because I suppose I've been lucky enough to work where it's been a two-way street

So where I might do more it would be noticed and I would get consideration if I needed it

Hankunamatata · 15/04/2024 22:11

Do you have to be there for 9 or is there wiggle room to have a flexible start?

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 22:37

RobinHood19 · 11/04/2024 07:29

My workplace don’t have unrealistic expectations of parents of young children. They have the same expectations of them, as of others being paid the same wage for the same work.

If one feels overwhelmed, there are options to take extended parental leave / reduce working hours. But you don’t get more of a free pass just because you have children at home. If you get paid the same as others at your level, the exact same amount of dedication and hard work is expected of you.

This, from the first page.
You are being outrageously unreasonable.
I am staggered by the vote.

Obviously, YANBU to not want to go for promotion at the moment, but YABU to assume that is the same as everyone else.
YABVVVU to 'do the bare minimum' and not pull your weight if you are being paid to do a "professional role" that took you years to train for.

inabubble3 · 16/04/2024 07:51

I think you yanbu. You do what you can do. Toddlers are exhausting 😄