To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

[Abutre]

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

While I want to do well in my job, I don't want a promotion. The thought of more responsibility makes me feel sick! Yet, I will do my best while working and am happy to log back on later to get things done.

First rule. When management come out with stupid bullshit (which is 99% of the time), agree with them.

As for doing the bare minimum, why not? Getting the wherewithal to keep your child is surely the reason you are there in the first place. Your DC comes first.

I agree with the poster that said if you didn’t want promotion or give work your all that’s up to you. But certainly it’s not all mums. I gave my all and continued to rise in my career. I insisted that care for pick ups etc were 50% between my husband and I. Drop off didn’t work for him in am. So he changed work to do pick ups. He was and is the main earner and rising constantly in his career. As a back up though I had my mum. She would cover any disaster etc. My neighbour also had a son in same after care so we could ask each other for help if running late for pick ups etc. I think it’s all about building resilience into your life when you have small people. Either through friends in same area/boat or with family or both ideally. Then you need to drop the constant home and mother thoughts.

You're not helping yourself or others OP. It's quite easy for someone in a recruitment role to pass over a mother for a job without it being apparent that her being a mother is the reason.

An employer is paying you to perform. You need a role where the level of performance required matches what you're prepared/able to give.

I'll never give the bare minimum at work. I shouldn't be there if that's my attitude to it.
And I say this as a single mum of 3 who doesn't even earn a lot!

I haven't slept a full night's sleep in over 3 years, but when I get to work, I give my 100% as all my colleagues are there to do the same. My ex-manager asked me when I had my second baby, " You must not be very serious about your career as now you have 2 kids under 3." That angered me to step up my game even more.

Don't give any mote fuel to people like them to think us mothers are not capable of performing at work.

YANBU to say this is enough for me right now but YABU for making sweeping generalisations. I know a fair few mums who’ve come back from mat leave and got a promotion within 12 months and as others have said, there’s also lots of people balancing work with a whole range of personal pressures.

Work for me has always been a sanctuary from the rest of my life, school was the same. I had time off with stress last year due to huge personal issues and got a lot of comments about how you’d never have known I was struggling and my standard of work never changed. I just really like the clear boundaries and the sense of purpose work gives me. We’re all different.

YABU because this won’t apply to all mums.

Id love a promotion but currently avoiding them until children are through nursery as I’d lose the free government hours.

YABU to think 'having a toddler' is the only reason someone might do the bare minimum to get by at work.

YANBU to not want a promotion.

YABU to say that having a young child means you can't give your all at work. I'm a lone parent and always worked hard!

Would you be happy if the nursery workers you leave your child with every day only did the bare minimum?

Presumably you aren’t expecting them to do their best for your child because they might have small children of their own. So as long as your child is fed and vaguely clean, it doesn’t matter if they don’t get much interaction or anything else because it’s ok for parents to do do the bare minimum, right?

@Abutre I'm with you. Being a present mother to a toddler and having a successful professional career just isn't possible. Anyone who thinks it is, is kidding themselves. How can you be on call 24/7 for work and your toddler. How can you work 12 hour days, and still have time for sleep and quality time with your child plus all the other life admin. I think many don't realise what it takes to have a successful professional career in the city. Split responsibility with my husband I hear people say. My response.... we can't afford to both tank our careers and maternity leave gave me a big head start on the tanking.

Really?

So you think an employer should accept only 25% of a person's 'energy'? Or am I misunderstanding what you mean?

I've always given 100% of my energy whilst being paid to do so.

YANBU - I mean, I dunno about bare minimum, but I certainly had no thought of progression, promotion or going above and beyond at work while I had small kids. Some people are still dynamic at work at this stage, but it wasn't for me - indeed I deliberately chose a fairly gentle, non-dynamic career path so work didn't have to dominate my life.

Like other posters, I went for and got a promotion 6 months after returning from maternity leave.

But a couple of years later I found myself taking an extended period of compassionate leave as I sat by my daughter's hospital bed, willing her to fight off the IGAS infection that she was in very real danger of not surviving. Luckily she survived. Luckily work was very understanding and generous with paid time off.

However, my entire perspective has changed. I won't stop work as I'm the main earner in our household and, actually, I do quite like my job but hell, yes, I only do as much as I need to get by. I will never put more effort into work than is absolutely necessary because I know only too well just how quickly the rug can be pulled out from under your feet. When you find yourself in freefall because you might be about to lose the most important and precious thing in your world, trust me, all the money, promotions, and recognition at work mean absolutely nothing.

Sorry OP, I think you are wrong in the assumption that "what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic".
As a working parent I never expected to be treated differently than others and I was completely dedicated to work during business hours.

I took a promotion when I went back to work after 9 months of maternity leave and found myself in a new role with lots of responsibility, very sleep deprived and juggling child care with my other half (hello nursery viruses, I am looking at you). However, I really wanted to keep good standards, maintain the brand I worked hard to build at work and progress. I no longer had the luxury of leaving the office whenever I wanted after work, or go to the pub with my colleagues, but I always made sure to give my best at work (and practically sleep walk through life for the remaining time).

You do realise there are lots of professional careers outside of 'the city'

Of course it's possible to go both! But it requires both parents to be on board.

I don’t think an employer should assume anything other than that you want to progress, unless you tell them otherwise. After having children I felt that my managers assumed I didn’t want to progress and I think this had a negative impact on my career. It should be something you discuss without a patronising assumption being made that mothers with young children wouldn’t want to be promoted.

Ooooh now THATS an interesting take in it!!!

Op?? Any thoughts....?

Honestly this annoys me. I am working mother. Gave it 100% when I was at my role and now ultimately do 5 days works in 4 days .
Fine if you've no ambition to progress etc as you have other priorities bits lots or women do not feel the same .

This is a very narrow view of what constitutes a 'successful professional career'.

When at work I'm all about work. I told the daycare people that unless I hear from them I assume my child is having a great time.
If you don't want a promotion that's fine. But being a parent is no excuse for not doing your job to the best of your ability.
Everyone has stuff going on in their lives, parent or not. They may have some financial issues, a family member going through a tough divorce, an elderly parent with dementia, so on and so on. Your kid is your kid forever - the responsibility and head space they take up does not diminish for well into adulthood - are you going to use them as an excuse your whole career?

Do you expect every professional you meet who has children to be doing the bare minimum? I’m a teacher, many of my colleagues have young children, will you be happy for your child to be taught by a teacher putting in minimal effort? What about your GP, nurse or other doctor? Are you happy for them to put in minimal effort? What about working dads? Why should they have to put in the effort whilst working mums get to coats by doing the bare minimum?

I work with 5 or 6 mothers of toddlers, and a few men also

If they don't give the job their all it could mean life or death situation occurring for all of us

We are prison officers

Women fought hard for equality so I find this attitude difficult honestly.