To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

[Abutre]

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

Omg do me a favour 😂😂😂

I feel like you Op. I just don’t have the energy, motivation, brain power. I don’t excel at work anymore. Though I think I probably worked too hard because I still get fantastic feedback.

I think you are reading too much into your managers comment OP, it may be that they genuinely want to promote you even while knowing you may be coming short here and there BUT want to help you gently progress along with the promotion. Think of it that way OR some poster here noted as a tactful way to gently steer you the right way. Either way you wont lose out. Take the promotion and if you cant be honest with your manager, it's also about trust. My manager knows some days I slag due to my child's needs but i ALWAYS make up for that and deliver my best. So it may be that they are picking up on this and possibly like to support you with flexibility.

Or i may be wrong but this how i feel.

Also, c'mon folks- OP is only reacting to what she feels not generalising all working mums.be gentle

If they want me to do 110% of the work then pay me 110% salary- but seriously you're replaceable at work not replaceable at home, for me at the moment work pays me to work my designated hours if i can get away with the bare minimum ill do it

I think you're being massively unreasonable to be honest.

It's fine if you'd rather not be at work - I get that not everyone has a choice and that can make being at work really hard. But for some mothers like me, work is where I get to be my own person, where I get a tiny bit of recognition for me being me, and not having to be constantly responsible for others, I get to shine. I got 2 large promotions and changed career whilst being the mother of 2 toddlers. It made me more efficient and effective if nothing else!

Having said that, I'm not a very natural "mother" and the thought of not working other than parenting scares me shitless! I figure if you find leaving your child hard and would prefer to be sahp (I hate that phrase!) then I can see how work would feel like a chore.

No tow people have the same experience of motherhood, or the same priorities. There is no right or wrong in my opinion, we all just do our best. But equally it isn’t wrong for your boss to have said that & to be considering promotions. If anything, most people would have an issue (rightly!) if you had been bypassed because you are a mum! It’s about you being clear on what you want & having open conversations with your boss

I try to give 100% but there are some weeks when my DS isn’t sleeping that I can’t do that. I’m also pregnant and suffering my fatigue and pain from that. I give as much of my energy as I can so I always give 100% in that way but what that looks like varies from week to week. I can’t work late like my colleagues as I need to get home to my boy and by the time dinner, bed and bath are done it’s only an hour before I have to go to bed myself!
So yes, my work ethic looks different to what it did pre child but I, and most parents of young children, am doing the best that I can. I’m still on track for promotion (probably after I come back from maternity leave after this one) so it can’t be too awful.

Yeah. Probably not the life stage where you’re looking to train for a new job!

it’s not unreasonable to do what you need to for work and no more - regardless of mother/kid/parent situation. And it’s also not unreasonable to have a chat with hubby about him picking up some slack at home so you can ramp up for work if that’s what you want!

do what you like. But blaming motherhood is setting back working moms, please stop that!

Why would you not consider a promotion if your manager already thinks you're doing well? Depends on the role/company I guess and what you think the expectations are but I worry that too many women take themselves out of the running for career progression and hamper their earning potential. I know what's right for one person isn't right for another but for me continuing to develop my career has been incredibly important for my financial independence and security.

I voted YABU because your header was completely different to your actual post!
YANBU if what you're actually asking is it okay for you personally to just want to do your job as is and not go above and beyond doing extra or try for promotion for a few years while your child is young. Of course that's fine, and tbh the child part is irrelevant - there's no obligation for anyone, whether they have kids or not, to go beyond their job role or to climb the career ladder if they've found a role they are happy with and want to stick at.

But YABU to speak for all mums with toddlers, and YABU if you actually mean do the bare minimum - they are employing you to do the job, you need to do it to a good enough standard. Otherwise where does it end? Is it just mums with toddlers or dads too? What about if you get pregnant again, surely it could be justifiable to do the bare minimum then if you're not feeling great and you're going to be off for up to a year anyway? And once your first child is in school and you've had 3-4 years of coasting do you get another 3 if you then have a second or third child? What about if you have a disabled child, or long term illness, or when you become a carer for your parents, or go through the menopause - basically you could spend a whole career with justifications as to why you can't possibly be expected to work to standard, while everyone else in the office (who will also have their own issues) has to work harder to cover you.

It's fine for your job not to be your main priority for a few years (or ever!), for any reason, but that's completely different to 'doing the bare minimum.'

@1offnamechange I think the definition of 'bare minimum' is quite interesting. In relation to what you said vs 'not being a priority'.
In some workplaces, doing as little as possible means others needing to 'cover', yes. Sometimes because management is incompetent and relies on goodwill instead of staffing adequately. Other times because it's impossible to fire a slacker. In which case, I completely agree with you.
In others, doing your job adequately is seen as the 'bare minimum'. And if you're not constantly pushing for promotion, going 'above and beyond' etc you're seen as a slacker! Somewhat justifiable though if you're earning double the median salary.

OP needs to clarify what she's referring to.

Yanbu I am exactly the same at the moment with my young toddler. I also worked really hard for my professional career and used to out in very long hours

I'm surprised by your view. If any manager said that, most would be thrilled. Do you have low self esteem? Do you not think you're capable?

Who would do the Nursery run if your work schedule dictated otherwise?

I absolutely do not give 100% at my job. I give enough to do excellent work, which for me is about 40% of my capacity. My company pays me a B- salary with A+ benefits. I do A+ work, I’m just really good at my job 🤷‍♀️. A huge part of the reason I am where I am is it has never taken me anything like full time hours to do a job so instead of twiddling my thumbs for half the week, I work from home and my boss is ok if I go skiing half the time so I accept a less than top of the market salary because I only actually have to work 20 hours a week and there are no jobs in my field that pay enough for me to be willing to give that up.

I do think it’s ok to do work that’s good enough, but not ok to do poor quality work because you have a kid. And certainly not ok to be late because you chose to live a 1.5 hour commute from where you work. And I’m sure you’ll say it’s because of housing costs but that is still a choice. You chose a kid that meant you wanted a bigger house. You chose this career. You chose to need whatever size house you have.

We all have shit going on. My DH has metastatic cancer. Compartmentalising is a useful skill for me.

If you don't want to go for promotion then don't buy whilst you are at work I think you should focus on your job. When you leave work focus on your family.

‘I think it’s stuff like expecting me to be in by 9am sharp… sometimes it’s literally not possible with nursery drop off where there’s traffic.

Or this idea that everything can be dropped for work…and yes almost everything is… everything except my child.’

If you start work at 9am then you should be there at 9am sharp, that’s not unreasonable for them to expect that.

Obviously you can’t drop everything for work if it’s your day or for example if your child is ill. But if you’re already in work and your child’s in childcare I think it’s fair enough for them to expect you to work to the same standards as someone without children.

Yes, tell them that you're giving 110%

You're giving your version of it

One person's 50 percent is another person's 110 percent. Depends on the job, the person the timing etc..

Put your words into your bosses mouth

and then see if you feel that would be discrimination

if you don't want a promotion right now as you have a lot on at home fair enough- many parents and carers feel the same at stages in life

but plenty do infact being a. Mum often makes people focus even more on promotion etc as if they are at work anyway and away from the child they may as well get as much out of it financially and career wise as possible

I think it sounds like your a bit overwhelmed and please don’t think I’m being rude maybe a little depressed, I had those thoughts and lack of motivation before, imagine all mothers done the bare minimum at work, and the impact it would have there’s GPs, surgeons , lawyers , bus drivers , teachers etc all mums imagine they where not expected to fulfil there role fully because they are a mum or do the same as those not a mother?
maybe it’s about being aware of your capabilities as a Mum and what this allows you to do and If you can’t fulfil your role finding another job,

What do you mean by highly successful?
Normally if it’s a job where you don’t need to be specifically on time like a call center, medical staff, client facing, shop floor etc. there’s some flex. Can you not pick up the hours other lunchtime or do nighttime if there’s deadlines?
For someone who you mention is highly successful you’ll have more leverage at work and they’ll have to be more flexible with you?
Saying that mum’s should be doing bare min is deeply offensive in my view as it sends all women back 100s of years. We have worked so hard to be treated as equals and words like this just men ammunition to not hire us or other women without kids to think mums are slackers and should never be promoted as we can’t do both. This makes me really mad as someone who after kids has busted myself to get to where I am. Women like this ruin it for the hard working mums. If you can’t hack it quit! Don’t ruin it for others.

This is beyond ridiculous. Women on MN are so emotional 😂 OP is allowed to feel like this, she isn’t putting it on every other women/mum. Women are allowed to not want to feel like working after they have children. Women are allowed to not want to feel like working if they don’t have children. Anyone is allowed to feel like that. Get a grip.

There seems to be a misunderstanding here.
I never said that women are not allowed to feel like working after they have kids. The point I’m making is expecting bare min from mums. It’s saying let’s write off mums (stereotyping all mums) that after kids they all want to do bare min. it’s the expectation that mums should be put in a bucket that we have given up on careers. If women want to do that great for them. Give up work, focus on your kids only. I encourage them to do this! But don’t go back to work and do a mediocre job and say it’s because your a mum the expectation needs to be lowered.