To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

[Abutre]

I am in a professional job, took years to train, office based. I do the nursery run every day (DP cannot due to his work schedule).

My manager said the other day that ‘I know you want to give 110 percent to work so let’s look at promotions by the end of the year.’

im sure this was a throwaway comment. But I’ve been thinking about it on and off ever since. I do what I can to get through the day but have quite literally a list of other things on my mind at all times. I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic. Aibu?

Yes it will depend where you start/what you are aiming for. There is a section of mumsnet that thinks you are failing miserably if not on 6 figures and rapidly heading for a c suite role and I suspect if that’s your definition of success that may well require 14 hour days etc.

No one I work with (financial/IT services) regularly does those kinds of hours but some are on over £100k in the north of England and many on over £50k. Majority over 35 have kids. I consider us all to have pretty successful careers.

As I said, minimum effort does not equal doing less than what you are contracted to do. Expending the least effort to fulfil your job requirement is not a crime. If you want to bend over backwards making someone else a profit then be my guest, but OP is entitled to conserve her energy for her family life.

OP disappeared? What a surprise. Either off writing the article or reeling from the responses.

Also. WTF do you think single parents do?

We have a nearly 2 year old who’s always unwell due to nursery lurgi’s!
As soon as I turn my laptop on in work I am in work and my mind barely strays to home life as I’m client facing several times a day, if I allowed my home life to seep into my head I wouldn’t be able to help my clients to the best of my ability. Sure I have days where I cba but unfortunately, my clients ability to feed their families or pay their rent often depends on me to assist.
YANBU as in your role is probably different to mine in that way however, if I was to have that mentality, it would have sometimes severe consequences as I deal with a lot of safeguarding issues and if my home life outweighed the clients suicide risk or violent situation then that client might not be with me for my next appointment.

Sounds to me that you might feel you're doing the bare minimum but your manager feels you're doing enough to be heading for a promotion.
Whatever, it's up to you. Work to live; not live to work.

I give 100% at work, most of us do - if I didn’t, or others didn’t, we’d be found out quite quickly. Everyone on my team are working parents. As well as being working parents, many of us have other caring responsibilities such as elderly relations, family members undergoing treatment, etc. If I’m honest, my employer doesn’t give a s**t what’s going on outside our working hours, as long’s the job’s done. Expectations are placed on us as we command the salary we do, regardless of life outside our working environment.

Seriously, OP? You become a mother and now that fills your head and you can’t do anything else properly? No.

I think you YABU that way of thinking is what caused the wage difference and women being overlooked for jobs in case they got PG and it all went to pot. Speak for yourself not all women

I'm a mum to a young child with ASD and another with a long term condition. I work a job where any less than 100% potentially put lives at risk. Aside from that, my work provides that break from the home stress because it's so full on and requires my all. So regardless of how stressful things are at home, this doesn't impact on my work performance.

So my advice would be to look at work/homelife and decide whether you want to stay in a job that doesn't provide that stimulation that allows you to switch off or look at reducing hours to get a better balance.

I think if you get paid for a job you owe it to your work and colleagues to do it to the best of your ability. I work with a pregnant first time mum who is not giving what she could (in my opinion) and this is still allowing for a drop in performance as I know she’s tired.

It’s really hard. My job is really intense and sometimes all I’m thinking about is how much I want to be at home. But I was told ‘act like a lazy person’ because a lazy person will find the easiest way to get the job done to a high standard (not sure I believe this but I like the idea!)

My youngest is 12 but has ADHD and honestly is as much work as newborn bc he barely goes to school and sometimes stays up until 3am. A shift manager said they were interviewing everyone at my level, looking towards promoting someone. Honestly, I'm terrified of the added responsibility, and also the raise will just be counterbalanced by a drop in Universal Credit, so it's not worth it. I just said no thanks.

Give it 100% while you are at work but switch off completely when you are not at work. Nobody should ask more of you than this.

I feel the same, with 2 kids, 7 and 4. I would like to earn more money but the thought of a promotion with all the extra stress? It's a no.

Speak for yourself. I have a professional job and 2 young children (3 and 13months), I do all childcare drop offs as my husband works away Monday to Friday. I give 110% at work, I’m currently doing a university course to enhance my career prospects and I’ve just applied for 2 promotions. Not all of us can’t cope with giving 110% at a full time job and being a mother.

If you don’t want your boss to help you to progress then just tell them you don’t want to/can’t be bothered.

It really depends on-

Your family set up
Your kids
Extended Family support
Childcare set up
Extras - cleaner etc

Some people have a lot of support so can go the extra Mile. Some have a lot of energy. Some find achieving at work easier or fulfilling.

Do what works for you

For me I don't care as much about my career as I used to, and I don't have the headspace and energy to push myself and go for promotions. DC are 10 and 12 now but life is complicated - a lot of illness in the family. I don't do the bare minimum, and I get involved in interesting projects, but I am the same level as I was pre DC. I could say the same of plenty of colleagues with or without kids though - it's not the kind of career where people are always moving / progressing.

Other working parents have progressed, though, even with very young children, so I only speak for myself.

I have always worked hard and to the best of my ability as a mum to three children. I can’t imagine not doing so. Having dc is not a pass to not work hard with your job.

I think some people can do both well. I'm not one of those people. I had to reduce my hours at work because I just couldn't cope with everything. I feel a lot more productive now. My job is difficult and I need to put a huge amount of focus when I'm there and there's no space for thinking about home. When I was full time I felt like I was doing everything badly. Now I feel like I'm able to manage everything effectively.

Thanks for the replies.

I think it’s stuff like expecting me to be in by 9am sharp… sometimes it’s literally not possible with nursery drop off where there’s traffic.

Or this idea that everything can be dropped for work…and yes almost everything is… everything except my child.

I am very pro women in the workplace though I can see that’s not come across in my OP. I guess I just feel that there’s pressures where I didn’t anticipate and for context I would be considered highly successful (not meant to be a brag!) so I don’t think it’s a question of not coping necessarily

You either need to look at alternative childcare arrangements or reduce your hours to start half an hour later if you can’t get to work on time. There is only so long your boss will stand for you being late 2,3,4 times a week before you’ll find yourself with a disciplinary, using childcare/traffic as an excuse is not really your bosses problem if you’re being paid to be there at a specific time. I say this as someone who had to find a nursery that opened 15 minutes earlier so that I could get to work on time everyday, it would be taking the piss if I was late every other day.

@HMW1906 thanks. I get your points. There is quite literally no other nursery with space at the moment and I do drop off at 7.30 already so it’s so as if it’s very late in the morning. I appreciate it’s not the employer’s problem but just seems to me another way to pressure parents (mostly women!)

Sounds to me like a boss who appreciates what you bring to the role and sees someone working above their current role who they need to reward with a promotion rather than taking advantage. Not unreasonable at all. They are saying “I see how hard you work for me and I want it formally recognised that you are worthy of more”. It’s also perfectly fine to say no thank you. But make sure they know you may want to revisit in a couple of years.

I give 100% but I do a job im over qualified for and bored with. I work in a really stressful industry and just couldn't take on a bigger role without burnout. So my career has stalled. It's bloody depressing but we can't afford the childcare we need to help us have time to progress our careers.

Ask yourself are you living to work or working to live? Your little one won't always be a little one... onvious I know but true.

Omg this.