To think most working mums are overwhelmed?

[Contraversialcate]

YABU it’s just you
YANBU everyone is working hard and societal expectations and demanding children

I just got thinking about all the hard working, capable mums I know (most of whose kids are 10 or younger) and all feel at capacity in managing home and work life. Is that right? Should we feel like that? And yes #blessed, grateful to have children etc but I feel like there’s a squeeze all around and it’s impossible to look after your own physical / mental health due to time/ money reasons

Yeh it's really hard. Really really hard.

I suppose the obvious question is if the government realised so much more needed to done and offered you any solution to design a society that would fit around you and your family needs what would it look like?

Yes! Two DC in early primary years. Both DH and I work FT. I went back FT over a year ago as got a new job and it was only available as a FT post. Was four days a week before that. Losing that one extra day has made a big difference. Even despite my role being hybrid, a very understanding boss and a DH who (mostly) does his share, it is exhausting. We stay on top of it because of planning but if one of us gets ill, the wheels can easily come off. I feel anxious all the time. No family nearby to help.

I'd like to go down to PT in a few years, selfishly I guess I'm enjoying the chance to progress my career as it had stalled due to mat leaves. So it is a choice and we could manage with less money.

And yes - I'm afraid to those of you with DC in nursery, it gets harder once they are in school -IME at least. More demands from school, homework, trips to be aware of, friendship dramas, and wrap around care that doesn't always fit! It's endless!

I'm dreading DS starting school for this reason. What use is a holiday club that only operates between 10-3? 😩
It really grinds my gears when posters stick their nose in the air and declare "school isn't childcare you know".
Well, yes, the primary function is education but let's not pretend our whole socioeconomic model isn't built around certain working hours and holiday entitlements, or that work is a choice for most people.
It's as if the whole thing has been carefully thought through to cause maximum possible stress.

@Meadowfinch

Yes, regarding being a single parent, i think of all the children being brought up during the 2 world wars, with the mothers being the head of the households. If the fathers survived the wars and returned home, the children didn't know, or could not remember these men who suddenly appeared and altered the accepted order, acknowledging that many families were overjoyed to have these husbands and fathers back.

I don't get the argument that school isn't childcare as I thought there were different rules for jobseekers once their children were school age. At least there were when I was claiming.

I think being a non working mum is overwhelming let alone a working mum!

Utterly overwhelmed and very close to breaking point - 2 teens, one with severe mental health problems who wants my attention 24/7 and inclines towards self harm if she doesn't have it, plus increasingly ill and needy parents and in laws. I just spent 15 hours with one in the ED overnight, zero sleep, and then when I get home DD wants me to do stuff for her and is stressed because I left her. I'll still need to go out and sort shopping etc for parent who was unwell. The job barely comes in to it, but we need the money to pay for therapy etc, as the NHS is so disastrous (see also 15 hours in ED).

I agree. I'm 48 with a 10 and 12yo and no sign of things getting easier. Just as the cost of childcare went down, the cost of living went up, and it also feels more expensive to buy clothes etc for them. DH is 58 and I think feeling his age. We've never had any family help and now we both have old parents (mid 80s) who are starting to have serious health problems and lean on us. 12yo has ASD and changed a lot in the past year to be very hormonal and grumpy, and struggling with school, friends, self care - everything! She's not responsible and needs a lot more support than NT 12yo. I am honestly dreading the teen years where the DC need us and so do our parents. I tell myself in 10 years, our DP will probably all be dead and the DC independent. But that doesn't make me feel any better!

YANBU I feel totally overwhelmed and I only work part time! But I also care full time for my mum as well as my 6 yr old and frankly she’s harder work than he is

I work 28 hours a week. Three kids (16, 14 and 12). The 14 and 12 year old have complex Sen and attend a Sen school. The youngest has the mental age of a 1 year old and is very challenging and hard work. I do all after school care as they can’t access any afterschool care.

I only work term time so I have them in the holidays as well. DH does pitch in but he has a very senior job and isn’t around as much.

I’m on my knees with tiredness. My job is busy and full on as are my kids. My kids say I’m snappy and I’m always feeling on edge. My DH offers me time out but I just can’t find the energy to do anything at the weekend. In short, I feel broken, tearful and overwhelmed.

Yes. I'm less overwhelmed when I have wraparound or out of school care and that's the problem imo - not that women work, but the lack of societal support. We're encouraged to feel like shit for accessing any support that means we're not with our children 24/7, and encouraged to feel like shit for accessing any support that enables us to be with our children 24/7. Can't win. Parenting is hard, keeping a house is hard and working is hard. When women stepped into the workplace in greater numbers nobody picked up the slack in homes or communities.

@aylis where does this pressure come from for you?

I don't think anyone (except my mother who worked full time herself!) has ever implied I was wrong for using childcare. It's absolutely the norm in my experience and circle

@Polishedshoesalways yes I agree with you and since I will be managing her going forward hopefully I will get to know her better over time. She is great at her job so maybe she goes above and beyond at home as well, which is wearing her out. I just don't understand it yet because without knowing the things you have mentioned it doesn't look like she has a lot to deal with but there are probably things I don't know about. it's not really my business but I need to make sure she is ok so do ask general questions in our 121s.

I have been both SAHM and full time working mum of a 8,6 & 3 year old - both exhausting in different ways. Don’t rush back to work if you don’t have to - the emotional and mental exhaustion is on top. Feeling like you should always be giving more to one place or the other - and that’s with a partner who is pulling his weight.

Yea to the part about not looking after my health/mental health and not having any time or money for me. There is very little or no self care.
but I wouldn’t day I feel overwhelmed, but tired yes. However if my little one is poorly or I am I’ll our strict routine goes out the window and that’s when I feel overwhelmed at work/home/everything.

I never felt overwhelmed despite very little extended family help. But was lucky enough to be able to pay for it, so DC went to nursery at four and five months each time, and I went back to work. Lucky enough too, to only have to work pt. So a good balance.
It was hard work, we were super organised with school holidays and childcare has cost us many many thousands, frighteningly so over many years, but it was never overwhelming.

It’s so very hard. I’m just about keeping above water at the moment. My dc are good and my work is fine but everything that is just me has suffered - my social life is non existent, my health is completely neglected, I seem to be piling on the pounds as food is my only outlet. Full time job working 60 hours a week, two small dc, elderly parents who need a lot of help and a dh who needs a lot of support at the moment. It’s too much. Suffocating from being sandwiched between the needs of everyone

See I wonder if this phenomenon somewhat feeds into the bigger problem of loneliness and how difficult it can be to build meaningful community and relationships. If a sizeable chunk of people are too overwhelmed by family responsibilities to have social lives and another chunk are choosing to focus on "their little family", then there are going to less potential people available to engage with.

I have a friend who calls herself a ‘full time mum’ because she cares for her child in the day whilst her husband works. It pisses me off so much- we are all full time mums, just some of us have to work for a living as well!!

4YO and 1YO here 🙋🏼‍♀️

I work 9-3 around school run (x2 as youngest can’t go to sisters school until he’s 2) lucky to be in a situation where I could drop my hours if I wanted to but honestly need work to stay sane and we enjoy the luxuries with the extra income. We are all clean/fed and clothes are always washed but the house is a tip 90% of the time. Hoping this gets easier as the kids get older but it’s the one thing that we do struggle to keep on top of, some days I just want to bin everything so it looks tidy for a hot minute

Those saying it gets harder once they are in school, I disagree. Yes finding holiday clubs is hard and working around school hours is ridiculous. The juggle gets harder.

Nothing for me beats working in a demanding job, no family help and pre school kid/ constant illness/ baby that doesn't sleep and need supervision constantly. I was a physical wreck during that time and have no idea how we survived looking back. I have more of a village of school mums I can ask for help now.

At least most children ( SEN excluded- those mums are in a different league of difficult juggling it all) sleep/ can entertain themselves better once in school.

I disagree it gets harder once at primary school, It obviously varies by area, but we have no problem with holiday clubs, 8-5:30 is quite standard here. During term time we use breakfast club and after school club so hours are basically the same as they were for nursery. I've gound it less stressful as DD is happy to entertain herself after school etc, so demands on me are much less than when she was little

Same for us.

The thing that is more of a pain about primary school is the admin around constantly changing PE days, short notice events etc but it's more than offset by the fact that the kids are much less intense than they were as toddlers.