To think most working mums are overwhelmed?

[Contraversialcate]

YABU it’s just you
YANBU everyone is working hard and societal expectations and demanding children

I just got thinking about all the hard working, capable mums I know (most of whose kids are 10 or younger) and all feel at capacity in managing home and work life. Is that right? Should we feel like that? And yes #blessed, grateful to have children etc but I feel like there’s a squeeze all around and it’s impossible to look after your own physical / mental health due to time/ money reasons

Well, everyone makes their own choices.
I was a very observant kid, so at 13 I decided not to have kids and as a bonus I sorted myself out through a lucrative marriage so that I don't need to work for living.
Married 20 years.
Throw the hate in, however, this was really
a conscious choice and as a result I have very little to push myself for at 45 yo.
Hopefully it lasts.

Yes most definitely.

I mean, is this news? Of course this issue is as old as time. Even those women who have very equal parenting with their husbands - just throw in a sick parent or whatever and it unbalances things (not to say men don't have sick parents, but somehow a female sibling takes care of it), and women still seem to do the social admin in families.
It's a hard juggle. Helen Gurley Brown (Having It All) - didn't have kids. and Shirley Conran's Superwoman book was how we CAN'T live up to this ideal. These were written in the 1970s, though hardly new then either, just that at that time more women were in high powered jobs (Brown edited Cosmopolitan, Conran launched Femail for the Daily Mail and was woman's editor on The Observer).
Sad that we haven't been able to find solutions to these issues decades later.

I'm totally fine with working FT and managing the house alone (SP) but what I find really hard to deal with is the additional support my ND kids need because it's unpredictable, illogical and I can't fix it. Work and home, I can plan, have routines, find solutions, work smarter etc but if one of them has a MH issue, develops EBSA, won't leave the house or whatever, that then becomes a huge issue. One of mine is very averse to dentists and vaccinations. For most families that might be just a moan and a foot drag. For me its weeks of planning and expectation management and anxiety on my part about refusal to go or refusal on the spot which is embarrassing and awkward.

I'm overwhelmed. I only work 27 hours and that one day when I'm off work is full to the brim with life admin, exercise, housework, everything I need to do.
Single parent, 2 DC, and something has to give. Either exercise, housework, work, or social life.
Currently it's work that's losing out as I'm burnt out and sit staring at my screen mindlessly for hours. And housework (house is ok, tidy enough but not CLEAN)
I'm fucking knackered all the time

It depends, I do only have one DC though so think that helps! Her dad and I have split up and I have her 7 nights a week (eg no overnights at dad's) but he has DD 3 days a week during my work hours, then nursery 2 days. I think I am less overwhelmed since the break up as I have to force myself to be more organised. And I try not to stress if I don't manage to stay on top of housework throughout the week, which I feel is easier when you only have yourself to answer to!

What about working dads.

Include everyone. I know some angry dad will be lurking here - even though it’s mumsnet

This.

I really get frustrated when a threads pops up with the do you work with kids around type questions as everyone suddenly jumps on the one person who dares mention they do.

I literally don’t know any company right now where people are not working around kids at some point I’m not saying it’s something that needs to be done 24/7 or all the time but sometimes we have no choice.

God bless the flexibility that has come from Covid (the only good thing that came out of that mess), because without that I wouldnt have been able to return to work and we would have had to sell our house and uproot our kids to move away somewhere cheaper away from
friends and family.

im fortunate I have had managers who are trusting in me and my work and my kids are happy.

even with all this its still bloody overwhelming 🤣

I haven’t read the whole thread, so this may have already been said.

The full time work week is historically based on that person having someone at home to wash and iron your clothes, to cook your dinner, to clean your house, and to do your DCs school runs. After you got back from work and ate your cooked dinner, you could relax for the rest of the evening.

Is it a surprise that we struggle to fit in the jobs listed above on top of our careers? It’s not possible in 2024 for many people to own homes and to have one person doing the household jobs and one person working outside of the home. Many families need two earners in order to cover the bills today.

Yes, the only good thing to come out of Covid was that it was difficult for the MD (who hates people working from home) to stop me allowing my 2 staff who are mothers of young children to be able to work from home.

I have 2 very hard working employees who are so grateful to be able to work for home that they are the best employees I have ever had.

If Covid hadn't happened, these 2 employees would be so stressed with their commute in to London and having to juggle child care that their productivity would be much reduced.

I'm not at all overwhelmed. I am lucky that I have one healthy and happy dd13, good MH, run my own business (with lots of time off), dh works full time. I think the key is one child. Everyone with more looks way more stressed (understandably).

I do not feel overwhelmed, occasionally yes but it’s certainly not usual. Kids are 10 and 13 though, DH is SAHD.

Little kids pre-school is very different, and the physical pressures are intense sometimes. Overwhelmed? Not normally. Very firmly “whelmed” as it were? Oh yes…..

And they probably allocated those 10 spaces to siblings of kids already in wraparound before opening them up to the wider audience…

We're not having it all, we're doing it all

I was a SAHM.. home educated mine... never overwhelmed. I'd do it all again.
I did all the house work too.. kids stuff.
Husband worked ( a lecturer) did DIY.. maintained cars/ motorbikes.
Hands on Dad.

As a SAHM, I look at families with x2 FT working parents in awe. Even the ones where all loads are shared equally.

Overwhelm is an emotional state, some people cope with pressure and stress better than others. But NONE of the families I see around me are able to do it all: they have to work like they don't have families, raise their children and care for parents like they don't have jobs. Something has to give, and generally it's standards (at work, at home, re children, re parents). That might not be a bad thing, but many of my peers seem to lurch from crisis to crisis, fighting fires constantly, and many of them drink a lot. It's too much for them, and all in order to just pay the mortgage and live to a decent standard. I'm certainly very, very appreciative of my good fortune.

Single parent working full time since my son was 8 months and now he is 8 years old. Hate it.

It's the whole you have to raise children as if you don't work and work as if you don't have children that l find so true

No, not really. But my kids are older teens now and maybe there are more pressures on mothers now?
I certainly didn’t hold myself to any super high standards. They did 1 organised activity a week each, which varied over the years, plus lots of holiday clubs ( for childcare). I didn’t do loads of ferrying about - did lots of local and cheap stuff- worked shorter hours to be at wrap around care by 4.45 and had some family help ( this would be the main reason it was easier I’m sure).
I also did lots of childcare swaps in holidays / sick days/ inset days and had a spreadsheet of all my mum friends working hours, and was always willing to say “yes” to a desperate parent who needed last minute childcare if I was off work that day so I had lots of goodwill chips to use.
Mainly though, I was single for most of it, so never found myself picking up after a man!

Never really felt overwhelmed, I'm a completely lone parent working full time, done it this way for years. Been on my own since DS was 10 months old, he's 16 years now.

I just don't put pressure on myself and never have.

Definitely felt less overwhelmed - in fact not overwhelmed at all- when we had one child under 3 in reliable childcare and I had a full-on job.

Now we have two DC under 7 and the eldest is at school and I still have a full-on job and am over 40 and it is exhausting!

The early mornings, the constant mess, the "mummy mummy mummy?" for a million times a day, the different demands from school every day of the week for a different bit of paper or a donation or a new bit of homework, the relentless feeling of not doing anything particularly well, the lack of support from any other family members, the all-consuming worry about whether the kids will be ok, happy, healthy...the having to hide all of the above when at work to appear competent, calm, like you've had more than 90 seconds to put your clothes and make-up on....

It's unbelievably draining. And I love my kids. And I like my job. And my DP is great. And we have a cleaner. None of that stops me from finding it all just really fucking hard.

I agree that the comparison helps. I have been overwhelmed but now things are easier so it's fine. I cut my hours slightly so I now only work full time hours instead of constant free overtime, my husband is an equal partner, and we have just enough money to throw it at problems. We also don't push too hard for perfection and both thrive under pressure.

Edited to add please don't compare yourself to me, it took a lot of time to get to this point and not everyone has the support needed to get there.

People who feel overwhelmed probs just needs better husbands/partners, if the load is shared it’s fine. I was a single mum for years and also managed fine however, didn’t love it but didn’t feel overwhelmed.

I think that the biggest factor is the father.

So if both parents are pulling a full shift, working and children, then both are basically fine.

Whereas if only one parent is doing all the working, or all the children stuff, and the other doesn't pull their weight then inevitably the one person doing absolutely everything will be overwhelmed

What a ridiculous comment. There are loads of factors other than the presence or absence of a partner. As I said upthread, the presence of neuro-diversity or physical illness / disability, dependent older parents, the type of work and commute the parent has. Do you live in a small village with lots of supportive adults on the school run or in a busy town where nowhere really knows everyone? Even if it was easy and foolproof to select a "good" partner, they are not the solution. Right now, I have a wonderful partner of several years but we dont live together and he has his own kids and fitting in seeing him is another thing to schedule rather than any kind of solution.