To think most working mums are overwhelmed?

[Contraversialcate]

YABU it’s just you
YANBU everyone is working hard and societal expectations and demanding children

I just got thinking about all the hard working, capable mums I know (most of whose kids are 10 or younger) and all feel at capacity in managing home and work life. Is that right? Should we feel like that? And yes #blessed, grateful to have children etc but I feel like there’s a squeeze all around and it’s impossible to look after your own physical / mental health due to time/ money reasons

My eldest is 17 and I went back to work full time when he was 6 months old.
I don't think I was/am overwhelmed, I just feel like I have been exhausted for the last 17 years.
It doesn't help that although my husband is a 'nice man' who's 'heart is in the right place' has been painfully useless for almost 20 years!
We had no family support, no cleaner, I am the only driver and at times it has been a lot to cope with. I suppose I am lucky that I have managed without breaking!

Absolutely. It's easier with kids now 7 and 9 as they can be self sufficient around the house but the mental load I carry compared to DH is ridiculous. We both work full time yet I am apparently responsible for everything. I don't doubt my life would be easier if we split up but I don't necessarily want that to happen. I want him to do things without being asked. Sick of being the house project manager.

Completely overwhelming.
All the same things have to be done but its so much more.stressful to organise.
For eg doctors, one of ypu has to take time.off to bring them. Playdates are at your precious time at the weekend which is also your time for shopping/laundry/cleaning /visiting family.
You live in dread of hearing the words "I feel sick"
I am a teacher and I get 9 weeks off in the summer with my children(even when they were toddlers) and find that an absolute breeze compared to the hamster wheel.im on during term time.

Totally overwhelmed. Mothers are expected to work full time and never let having children interfere with shifts and professionalism, but to be on time to collect children from school half way through the afternoon or to drop into school three times a day to administer medicine (stupidest rule ever), to do all the housework because men don't see the dirt, and to spend quality time with their children.

My mum's life was far from great but she was a housewife. My dad's teahcing salary paid enough to keep a family of five in a big house (those were the days). And we played outside after school, at weekends, and in the holidays. She didn't have to entertain us or take us on endless outings. If she wanted to go to the shops - even if we were off school, really ill, she just went. No one judged. If babies screamed the recommendation was to put them in the garden for fresh air.

There wasn't the demand that every second of every day you should be in at least two places at once doing three things perfectly in the service of other people while paying half the bills on your much lower salary and by the way you're useless.

Perhaps it's not compatible to have two working parents who work out the home full time, but there is no reason being a mum and working can't be compatible if the dad has flexibility. It doesn't have to be the mum who does all the things that can make life overwhelming. I've got one at school and one at nursery and work 4 days. I'm honestly not overwhelmed because my husband does loads, including all school and nursery admin which seems almost unheard of. School and nursery know to ring him with issues not me. I've never taken a day off work because my children are unwell, for example.

I voted its not just you!

Not everyday is overwhelming though, and sometimes weeks go by where everything is busy not fine. I do like the interaction outside the home though and prefer working to staying at home and just the children as my only focus. In an ideal world I would work part time, perhaps five shorter days.

Sometimes I feel like I am only just coping though!

This is a tiny thing, but I work from home, with lots of Zoom client meetings. Sometimes (rarely) DH brings me a coffee if the meeting is 2 hours long. Female clients especially always coo and croon that he is so lovely - how lucky am I?

He overheard one the other day and his chest puffed up with pride. I felt like shrieking: Man, no one has ever cooed at be for bringing you tea in bed every single day for thirty years. He hasn't had a full time job since DC were in junior school. yet he's the prince of men for making the occasional cuppa. The imbalance drives me nuts. I almost said to my client, don't indulge him in this myth that if a man does once what a woman does habitually he is some sort of prince. DH is a good man, but he really buys into that shit and it makes me growl.

Meanwhile, women, as OP says, are run ragged from the expectation they should do three jobs perfectly: full time work, housework, childcare.

Until my youngest DC was 7 I worked part-time (3 days a week) which I think was manageable. DH and now teach full-time. We are all good for the holidays but term time is impossible. My DC are older (11 and 13) but it was actually easier when they were little in nursery, although so expensive. Now there are activities to manage, school clubs and events, INSET days etc. Our older DC has ongoing physical and mental health struggles. We don't have family nearby and I've had to leave her home alone all day several times because of work.

Wish DH and I coukd drop a day each, which would just about be manageable financially but my school won't hear of it.

I think the vast majority of working mums are busy to the point where there is little slack in the system, certainly and a lot are overwhelmed. Whether you are overwhelmed partly depends on you though: your circumstances (do you have a supportive partner/do you have money?), also your temperament and whether you enjoy working or not. I personally would find not working more stressful than working.

Also you have to consider the counterfactual. The alternative is being a SAHM and while this has its advantages it’s certainly not for everyone. Nor is it particularly stress free and that’s before you get to the financial side of things. It’s extremely risky not to have your own financial independence.

I think we need to be careful about the narrative that we are all just too busy and need to chill and step back a bit. There are very valid reasons to question the huge overload of stuff women have to deal with but let’s please not default to this “women can’t have it all” narrative.

I’ve experienced this too. Being in an unhappy marriage and feeling the full mother load was so stressful there are periods of my kids’ childhood that I just don’t remember. I’m now a single parent to a tween and two teens, my career has soared since leaving my marriage to the extent that I’ve gone from part time admin to senior leader in 5 years, but I don’t feel any of the chronic stress that I used to. Life is mostly a joy- aided by the fact I get regular breaks and time to myself in a way I never did in my marriage!

I went back to work part time after having a baby. Although I would say being at work with someone else looking after the baby was actually easier than being at home full time!
For me it was a busy time (I was also a carer for my Mum) but rarely overwhelming. But I think perhaps I have an attitude that there are only so many hours in the day and I can only do so much and I'm not going to beast myself to have the perfect life and tidy house.

The word I use is relentless. Monday -Friday is nonstop with work, school, housework then fitting dinner around taxi-ing children to various clubs and activities. I have also taken on some evening work to help pay for mortgage increase which doesn't help (from home so no childcare needed). It’s just me too. Sometimes it just feels like a treadmill, so constant and if you stop everything just falls over.
Laundry is my nemesis…. If I miss a day I’m fucked for the week!
I purposely have never booked regular kids activities at the weekend, but it’s inevitable that sometimes they have events that take this time too (thank god neither of mine do football as that seems to consume the weekends of some friends)

Yanbu.
It probably depends if their partner takes equal responsibility for mental load / parenting / housework. However, as the majority of men don't share it equally then the mum is picking up the slack. (In real life equal men like this are as rare as rocking horse shit, on MN they seem to be everywhere 🤔).

This is going to sound awful but I can't help but hope that my kids aren't going to want to do a load of extracurriculars that we will have to facilitate on top of everything else. I don't mind after school clubs so much but I do see some friends struggling with the ferrying around or having to hang out somewhere in the evening with a younger child for the duration for example and I'm dreading doing the same.

No not for me. I work full time and have a 3 year old. I think it's easy with the 1. Plus he's always been an easy child. Everything is split between me and DH pretty fairly.

I worked ft when my children were small, as did my xdh. It was tough, I remember it being tough, I was tired but, I felt in control. There was a routine and it was what it was. Plates span, and sometimes I dropped one or two. But generally it was manageable. Now my dc are teenagers/young adults, and I would give anything to go back and find that control. I'm exhausted now in a totally different way. Time to myself is non existent. My dc would be in bed when they were little, for example and I could potter about but that time was mine. Now, as teenagers they have their own lives and those plates spin faster than ever. Ads to that aging parents and other live stresses and I do wonder why I ever complained years ago. But maybebits Rose tinted glasses. I don't think giving up work would make it any easier though.

Overwhelmed? No. Busy yes, stretched sometimes yes, but if I need time for me I get it. DH is a real parent and isn't any less busy or stretched than me.

DOI: work FT, two primary kids, also doing a masters.

I am in awe of those of you that work full time with young chn. I was a sahm until youngest was 3 and at free nursery and then only worked 2 days 9-3 a week. Went to working every morning when she started school.

It's definitely overwhelming. But I think as well as making sure partners are pulling their weight etc. we (or at least I did!) also need a shift from thinking that we have to do everything well, to thinking that good enough is good enough. And even done badly is maybe better than not at all. Much of my overwhelm comes from the gap between what I think I should be doing and what I am able to get done in the various areas of my life. My husband doesn't feel the overwhelm because he's not putting any pressure on himself like I do.

I agree with this. My dcs are in primary school, mental health wise I'm much happier working compared to when I was a sahm.

I honestly don’t think it’s that hard. Sure when they get the school rather than nursery it’s faffy and it’s hard to juggle the holidays but I really don’t get the big fuss. I guess I don’t know any different, when they were small I worked full time and I was married to their dad who was out of the country for 4-5 months of the year, then I worked full time as a single parent, now they are both early teens and I still work full time , I’ve been promoted 5 times since they were born. I am married again now so share some of the life load ( I still do 75% if house related stuff ) but even when I did it all, I never felt like it wasn’t doable or that I was overwhelmed. Maybe I’m lucky or maybe because there has never really been an alternative I’ve just got on with it.

There are moments of being overwhelmed, but most of the time i don't feel particularly stressed. 1 baby and 1 in primary school, work full time same as DH, most days still gave a good few hours in the evening once kids are in bed to sit down and watch tv, or do gym classes. My job isn't overly stressful so means 9hrs of my day are without kids and pretty relaxed

Yes. It's largely because a lot of men are shit and don't pull their weight.

Being a working mum is usually a completely different gig to being a working dad.

In my next life, I will be a working dad.

Whilst it isn't a competition or race to the bottom I do think it's a bit disingenous to suggest as a pp did that we're all struggling just in different ways. Clearly if you have 1 NT child, a fully engaged partner and enough money coming in to either buy help or at least know you have headroom for treats, holidays or emergencies then clearly that's going to be easier than 2 ND teens, no support and struggling to meet the basic bills. I think the problem here and elsewhere is that there is FAR too much "well I did X so you can too" or "why are you making such a fuss about Y, you can just do...." without any real consideration of the resources available.

100%
Overwhelmed, emotional, tired. No family to help or even visit. A husband who doesn't get it. It's hard, but apparently normal 🤷‍♀️