To think most working mums are overwhelmed?

[Contraversialcate]

YABU it’s just you
YANBU everyone is working hard and societal expectations and demanding children

I just got thinking about all the hard working, capable mums I know (most of whose kids are 10 or younger) and all feel at capacity in managing home and work life. Is that right? Should we feel like that? And yes #blessed, grateful to have children etc but I feel like there’s a squeeze all around and it’s impossible to look after your own physical / mental health due to time/ money reasons

Yes, definitely. I've cut my hours to 0.9FTE but still cut a lot of corners. Sometimes I think I'd be better off doing full time and employing someone to garden and clean. But I like the extra day off.

Of course. It's a preposterous situation we have gotten into.

• "Hey, new Mother, you need to do two jobs now. One is 24/7 and the other is 8/5."

-"ok, that doesn't add up though, I'll be working more hours than are in a week. It's actually not possible without changing the fabric of time"

• "yeah, that's how we designed it. You want a home and food don't you?"

• "I need a home and food, I just had a baby"

@Bluesandwhites 'Do you get help and support from friends and family, Meadowfinch?'

No. No family within helping distance and I've stayed single because the only time I tried to date, the man concerned kept trying to push ds out.

I have friends but they have their hands full too. At least I don't have to cope with the nonsense they put up with from their husbands. Watching them, I'm relieved I'm single.

I honestly think being a lone parent is easier. Hard work but mostly positive.

One theory I've had is that some people need a lot less down time. I can think of some friends who work in the day, parent in the evening and then do housework after bedtime. Neither me nor my DH would cope with this for very long, we need to rest in the evening. That said I don't know if any of my more on the go friends are self medicating with alcohol to do it.

I think it’s the constant multitasking. Remembering too many things all at once - not enough free head space.

For us and most of our friends we found it much harder as the dc became teens, dealing with sick parents. Seriously running out of personal energy and with older dc it’s a whole new ball game. Relearning how to parent from scratch, as teens require a different skillset. I worry much more than I did when they were young,the early years feel like a dream as their needs are pretty basic.

We are now in our very early 50s and feel the pressure keenly. Dh very hands on but there is an impossible amount to do. All of the time.

Major structural, societal changes need to happen because young women are watching this now are having a very clear eyed view of the reality of motherhood today and will just completely stop having children. Why on earth would anyone voluntarily put themselves through this now?!

We are already beginning to see the birthrate drop off a cliff, indicating we are now following countries like Japan, and no one is prepared to look at the insufferable pressure on women today.

I won’t be recommending motherhood to my dds unless they are insanely rich.

Apparently, we are most unhappy in our late 40s, I am at the rock bottom now. I have teens, unwell parents, worrying about money, and retirement.

I am honestly not sure if I want children if I had my time again unless I was very rich.

Drop of birth rate means fewer people working, paying tax into the system, hence state pension, even your private pension (higher tax charge) will be st risk.

I had two dd in my very early twenties. Worked full time, stayed on top of house managed kids. Dad was useless then he left but had them eow until they were teens. So I then had a social life too and on my weekend's 'off' would date, go out drinking with friends and have weekends away. I don't remember feeling tired or overwhelmed although they were fairly easy kids.

I had one ds in my late thirties with a supportive dh (although tbf not great at housework and works long hours) Ds does have Sen which complicates things but I ended up reducing work to 14 hours a week. I am permanently exhausted. Between ds, house work, supporting my elderly parents I rarely have the energy to socialise.

I think it's a combination of ds needs being more challenging, and me being older. Having a child in your thirties compared to your twenties is so much harder physically and mentally. Then throw in that I'm now mid forties and in peri. Life is not easy currently.

It’s this for me, without the additional burden of a lazy and bad tempered fucker, my life became really easy, actually.

3 teenagers, who meet their Dad occasionally for coffee or dinner, but never stay at his.

Yes someone I manage said to me this week "it's only me and my husband so it's really hard."
I found that really bizarre. 2 adults to look after one 17 year old and she only works 30 hours a week. Her husband loves DIY so does that, the cooking and any decorating.
I know plenty of single parents working many more hours than that and there are no other adults to help out. They are also doing everything around the house so to me the lady from work is in an extremely privileged position.
I'm sure this lady meant she had no other family support to help her other than her husband but I found it very strange that she would need for example a gran as well as 2 adults to look after one child and run the noise. She has already said they have a cleaner. Her 17 year old also drives having had her lessons paid for by her grandad so she isn't having to drive her around anywhere.
Anyway we have put support measures in for her at work to help her even though it's a low stress job and she has said she doesn't find the job itself challenging. That opened my eyes to the fact that most working people struggle and think things are hard even if on paper it's surprising that they struggle.

You don’t know her whole story or life. People can still be reluctant to talk about mental health, the impact of childhood abuse or significant life events that have occurred to them. For them, life is a struggle. It is for most people. It’s good she was open with you.

I've never thought about this but I think you are absolutely right!

Completely agree. My eldest in 9yo, but life has changed since she was born - the pandemic, cost of living, climate change (isn't an abstract concept - its here).

If you can't get a stable job, or get on the housing ladder, why would you want make like more unstable with a child? Working full-time with a young child and no family support sucks.

My friendship group all had children at a simiilar time. If I would have waited, I would have seen he sacrifices and the toll having a child takes on my friends.

Both mine and DH brothers are not having children and I'm seeing far more people my age late 30s/40s who are definite being a parent is not for them.

I work almost full time in a full on job with a commute, have 2 children and an elderly parent (not local) who is increasingly more dependent.

We recently tried to do some well overdue decorating/ updating of out house and it's all felt too much on top of what already feels like 3 jobs ( job/running house/ caring fir elderly parent).

There is no space to breathe.

YANBU. And yet the women who choose a different path are labelled either selfish and short-sighted (childless) or lazy and short-sighted (SAHMs).

I did similar! I took on a foundation degree in my late 40’s, 2 ND kids and a ft job! Wtaf was I thinking? Also during that time I had to deal with a teen pregnancy (sons gf) and DM being diagnosed with leukaemia. Why do we do this shit to ourselves? I wouldn’t mind if it had led to a large wage increase or something but I already knew it wouldn’t!!

Like a pp my life got infinitely easier when I left my ex. Yes life is busy and being the sole carer for the kids and all of the mental load but my surroundings are calm not having to think of another adult.

I'm finding it easier the older the kids get as they are more independent and I carve out time just for me, whether that is a coffee in peace etc. I'm lucky that I have family around me to support in an emergency or if I need babysitting.

I felt it was a bit too much for me at the baby and toddler stage, but didn't feel overwhelmed after that. XH had no input as he was in prison for DV, and to be honest, being a single parent was fantastic in contrast. I had an ND DC which added to the pressures I guess, but again, everything felt manageable and I was really happy.

I honestly think my life would be easier without DH (but I love him so I’m keeping him for now 🤪)
We have 2 ND DS’s and DH really struggles to understand and communicate with them. When he tries he usually makes things worse then I have to pick up the pieces or talk the youngest one down from high stress or sometimes rage. He’s learning, slowly what their triggers are but it’s all a bit too little a bit too late as they’re 16 and 24 now!

I feel busy but not overwhelmed. I think the main factors for me are:

DH genuinely does his share, including admin

We are well paid so outsource things - cleaning, DIY

We live in an area with lots of childcare options (this was partly why we chose it) - the school wraparound is excellent with no waiting list, there are several holiday clubs within easy walking distance

We don't have family support but we are comfortable paying for babysitters

We hybrid work

As a PP said, some people need more rest than others, neither of us need that much

Not trying to say we never have a bad day or anything but life feels fairly manageable.

I don't know. It's absolutely hard and there's never any time. But whether I
feel more overwhelmed being a working mum than I would as a SAHM I don't know - I suspect not. For me I think the work / family juggle helps me keep everything in perspective and appreciate my family more.

I've been feeling like a total failure recently but I do keep reminding myself that if I had a nanny that tried to be a housekeeper on top I'd not be very pleased. Nor would I be happy if the housekeeper took on nanny duties and left the actual housekeeping at her arse.
And yet I'm expecting myself to work 30 hours a week, be a top nanny and housekeeper (and the rest!) while balancing the kids on my head and remembering to feel grateful.
It's madness. Cajoling DH along every step of the way when he's in one of his "foot off the gas" phases is hard work too. He's great when he's on it, but he will just tap out unexpectedly every so often when the music stops..it's infuriating.

Yanbu.

I think modern life is so overwhelming. Some people are really prone to picking up on stimuli that contributes to this . Our phones and devices give off light , heat and sounds. It isn't just that some people are less able to cope.

This is why I stopped with one child. I feel like I can juuuuust about balance working full time with an almost four year old. I didn’t want to become tired and resentful.

I think we want to do something just for us but every assignment I think I’m going to scrape a pass. My imposter syndrome is ridiculous as I’m actually getting distinctions yet still massively doubt I’m “good enough”. I’m hoping at the end I’ll finally believe I am good enough 🙄