For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

She has zero rights.
But I would be very concerned about the level of batshittery a person must posses to come out with all that shit.
I'd be vary wary of what's going to happen there.

There’s no such thing legally as grandparents’ rights. YANBU. She sounds like she’s going to be a massive pain in the arse about this.

I found my mum to be an absolutely invaluable support when I gave birth, couldn't imagine doing it without her tbh. But if I'd have not wanted here there then she'd have been absolutely fine with that - and even if she was upset, she'd certainly know better than to try and pressure me into it!

In any case, the sort of grandparent who is bringing up fictitious "grandparent rights" and trying to play competitive grandmas with your MIL for a baby who has not yet been born far exceeds the batshittery threshold to warrant being kept very much at arm's length.

Your baby, your birth, your choice.

I'd personally be very happy for my mum to be waiting outside and it would give me comfort. I genuinely love sharing the joy of a newborn with all of the grandparents and wanted them to come visit as soon as possible.
But that's me.
If you've told your mum how you feel, she should absolutely respect this.

Ah fuck, buckle up, the journey of batshittery has just started

Thanks.Myself and partner are very concerned because it seems like she can't respect what we have decided. It's mentally draining

Your birthing experience, your choice. At first I said my mum could come in with us for our DS but then I changed my mind as my DH had the right his experience of being a dad and seeing baby for the first time, and not worrying about letting his emotions go infront of my mum (although they were very close)

She came to the hospital after I invited her, I don't doubt for one second she sat outside in the car park after she knew I was in labour until she got the txt though 🤣.
She did come very soon after though maybe 40 mins. But it's completely your choice .

You are not being unreasonable at all. My parents wanted to visit me in hospital after my c section. I said no, that was the end of it.

They asked to visit the day I got home with the baby (day after birth) I again said no because I was in no state for guests, that was the end of it.

Your mum is being extremely weird, unreasonable and controlling.

I was so excited for all grandparents to meet her but I just wanted the actual birth to be for me and my partner. I just feel like she's going to turn up against my wishes

I think you need to explain your wishes and feelings. This is the start of prioritising your relationship with your baby and immediate family over your mother.

Wow YANBU, how is she not embarrassed by her behaviour?!

If be looking at going to a different hospital to give birth

If she turns up without your permission, your partner will have to hold firm your boundary.

Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I have a feeling this won't be the last time you and your partner will have to stick up for yourselves, so I'd start as you mean to go on if I were you.

I feel stupid because we had decided to go to another local hospital but I was convinced by my mum that she wouldn't interfere. Lessons learnt for sure

She’s being insane.

Be very firm.

Too late to switch hospitals?!

I would be very concerned that she thinks her job gives her “special privileges.” Exactly how far does she think that extends? Will she try to look at medical records? Will she cross the line while you’re in hospital? I think that perhaps it would be best if you notified the hospital that, in the name of family harmony, you just want to make sure that your MIL is not involved in your case and has no access to your files. And do state something like that, such as that it’s about family harmony or something, because I understand that you may not want to endanger her job. But you have the right to absolute privacy and your baby has the right for their medical information to be kept private as well. She is not entitled to any of this; as many have pointed out, there are no “grandparents’ rights.”

Is your mum a midwife?? Because they are trained that mums can deny access to any visitors they want, including the dad.

Not only is she being really unreasonable to you, but I'd be concerned she isn't doing the right thing by her patients on this particular issue - is she granting access to the postnatal ward to grandparents of new babies because she thinks they have "rights"?

Talk to the hospital staff and specify you don't want her around until you give permission.

Your mother needs to understand that this isn’t about her… it’s a huge day for you and your DP as you get to meet your baby!

Sounds like you’re being reasonable and want grandparents to meet baby soon but would like a bit of space during delivery. She needs to respect that and as a PP alludes to, start as you mean to go on as this will be the very first of many similar hurdles and you need to prioritise your new family unit now.

As everyone else has said, this is a worrying level of weirdness and intention to trample all over your wishes. If I were you I’d warn the staff on your ward that she’s threatening to wait outside theatre when you have asked her not to. Otherwise she might cheerfully tell them you’re expecting her and they would believe her.

I wonder if your mum is actually anxious about you and wants to be around just to make sure everything is grand .. with you her daughter and baby .
reading between the lines you invited your mum to see baby in the evening yet she wants to be outside theatre I have a gut feeling she wants to make sure everything is ok and her over reaction maybe due to her being anxious and maybe feeling a little afraid and she won’t feel settled until she sees you post op… but she may not tell you that … I’ve seen parents cry when their adult children go for surgery , are in delivery etc but their children actually have no knowledge of this …it’s just something to consider you decide what feels right for you

Are you in the UK?

You need to flag your concerns at your next midwife or consultant appointment and request a note be made and staff on the unit and the post-natal ward informed of your wishes. Be clear that you will take any breaches of confidentiality seriously and you do not want information about your progress or whereabouts shared with anyone other than your husband unless you request it. She sounds horrendous. Is she like this in other ways? This is such a reasonable expectation on your part and her response is so far from normal that I’d be quite concerned.

The hospital will have had experience of having to protect mothers from overbearing relatives and abusive ex partners, - they won’t usually be on the staff though. GDPR is a massive things these days, fortunately, so hopefully once they hear your concerns, they will be very keen to avoid any data breaches.

The way she’s leaped to squaring up to your poor MIL is so combative and unhinged.

I know it's not funny the situation. But this made me laugh!

Contact her line manager at work. She is your mother but she is also supposed to be a professional.

Grandparents do not have rights to your child.

If she was acting sane & normal, I'd have said it didn't matter if she as a member of staff, popped her head around the door to see baby, while on her coffee break.

BUT, the fact that she's started to blame partner/in-laws. That she's using your siblings to exert pressure is completely out of order. Sounds like she's going to be one of those grandparents who doesn't listen, doesn't respect your wishes and thinks what she wants comes first. And that needs nipping in the bud.

If having her outside while you are labouring will make you feel uncomfortable, yanbu. At all.

Ok, I think she's totally gone overboard with her response to you and DP.

Though if she works in the midwifery department she's seeing babies being born every day and now her daughter will be having a beautiful baby there, in her place of work she must be absolutely over the moon with excitement!

She's probably had work colleagues chatting to her and offering to swap shifts so that she can be around. Midwifes of course love babies and they'll all be excited for their friend.

Is she usually like this? Because I think this is key.

I have to say as a new grandparent one of the most amazing and special things is that I get to see my daughter being a Mum. That's just wonderful.

But I was asked to come with her to the hospital and I waited while she and her DH went into theatre. I was fine and calm but when she went into theatre it's like any mother, I was worried for my daughter and if she'd be ok!

Ok, so she if she's like I was, part of it will be concern and part of it will be excitement and love. I'm sure it all comes from a very good place.

If she's not normally batshit then please bear that in mind.

And you might feel that you want a female around when you've got all sorts going on after the birth.

Good luck with it all!