For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

@PleaseletitbeSpring

I absolutely agree with this; I absolutely did not want my mum anywhere near hospital, definitely not…. But when the time came and there were issues I absolutely did want her there.

All the midwives were shit too, until the last one, by which point it was an emergency situation.

Could be an element that she wants to be there to ensure the best care is taken of her daughter too…

ps even if it is a scheduled caesarean there can be issues, for instance the doctor meant to do it called away for an emergency, problems with anaesthetic, uterine tear and so on.

@Justsomethoughts

Things already sound very heated unnecessarily.

My advice to OP would be to try and deescalate the situation, acknowledge and validate the mothers feelings.

‘I completely understand you want to be the first in the family to see baby, you’re very excited and I am so grateful to have your support”

and then move onto

“I am really excited too and I want to share the first few moments with DH, but it would be really good if you could be on call incase anything happens and I need you, of course you will get to meet baby as soon as we’re settled in the ward after. Can you help me plan and prepare for the birth? Do you have any anxiety about it, is that why you wanted to be outside?”

YOUR BIRTH, YOUR DECISIONS. End of story, you don't need to explain them to anyone.

Just go with your feelings, they are right. Do not make any decisions around your birth for anyone else, YOU are the birthing mother.

If a woman wants to give birth in a hospital, at home, in the garden, in the bath, with all her family or on her own, It is absolutely her fundamental human right to make the decision, and no reasons need to be provided, to anyone.

You said she works in the midwifery unit but I imagine not a a midwife? Because any midwife wrth her salt would respect a birthing mothers requests.

ps. Enjoy meeting your beautiful babba tomorrow <3 <3 <3 So so excited for you <3

Your entrenched attitude could harm your relationship with her and when you really need help she may feel reluctant to give it

What, this is a crazy attitude to have. Because the OP wants a few hours after the birth to just be with her hubby and new baby, it means her own mum might then be "reluctant" to give help in the future. If she were that sort of a person, it probably highlights the fact the OP is right to keep her away and start putting in boundaries in place now, if theres a potential for OPs mum to be reluctant to give help when OP makes a decision she doesn't like. Almost like throwing your toys out of the pram.

Many of you are painting her as a narcissistic woman who doesn't care about your feelings. As a mum and grandmother I know she's very nervous and just wants to support YOU

But it's not support if it's not wanted. It's pressure and stress.
And yes it is narcasistical to put your needs before another on the day they are giving birth

Oh and good luck tomorrow.
Continue to follow your gut instinct and don't be bullied into anything by anyone.

It’s not ideal but if she still wants a relationship with her mother!

Of course you're not.

And make sure you make it crystal clear she has no rights over your baby whatsoever. And set very firm boundaries from the off because her behaviour is super-toxic and if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.

Completely agree. If having boundaries means the mother would then refuse to help when needed then you're much better off having no relationship with such a toxic person.

Its the OP mother who is mean, rude and selfish

Not respecting her DD wishes regarding her birth, having a tanty over it
Her mother sounds like a handful and only concerned about her time with baby, not how OP feels at all

Better off not having a relationship with someone so pigheaded

If her mother cant respect this choice, she wont respect any others OP makes

If your relationship with your mother is dependent on her being able to emotionally blackmail you, then perhaps a close relationship isn’t the healthiest thing anyway.

Is it too late up switch hospital?
From my experience of having a similar mother, it only gets worse and it is important to set clear boundaries as early as possible. I agree with you- it's draining. I had to stop contact with mine for half a year after the birth of my child. I'm not saying this to scare you but so you are aware.

She's having her procedure today I think.

It's your baby your choice. Your mum sounds over the top. Is that why you don't want her involved? I would respect my dc choices. Saying sll that I was glad that my mum was waiting outside during my 1st labour it was lovely to think she was so excited to see our baby. When these situation are discussed on my I feel there must bean underlying problem.

There is no such thing as grandparents rights sadly. I have 7 grandchildren and if I ever fell out with any of my children I would not have any rights. Thankfully that has not happened!
I do understand the fears your Mum is having. Feeling like she will be left out and that MIL will be more involved, I felt all those things. However, if my daughter wanted me at the birth, or to see her straight after I would be there. If she said I don't want you to come see baby until the next day, or next week or whatever, I would honour her wishes. As a grandmother you do love your grandchild as much as your own children but you must realise they are not yours. I support my children as much as possible but never demand anything or go against their wishes. I even ask them first if they would like my advice on things before giving it! It's not easy but your Mum needs to deal with her emotions privately and certainly not put all this stress on you right before giving birth. Wishing you all the best with your baby.

Tell her you don't want to have to ask the hospital to keep her away as you'd hate to embarasss her in her place of work - but if she shows up this is exactly what you'll be doing.
surely there is some policy about people who know patients & privacy when they're in surgery?

Do you know when you go up to the postnatal ward? Is it straight from delivery or do you have time in recovery after?

Where I gave birth there were no visitors allowed until you were in the postnatal ward so everyone got time as the three of them first.

I had my mum at my first birth. It's traditional because your mum has been through it before and knows better what's going on.

However, as you are having a C-section that does rather change things. What's the point in waiting outside the door? As she can't actually be of any help, I can see why you want her to come in the evening. Perhaps your mum can't get her head around that?

Hope all went smoothly @FunSeal!

I had my mum at my first birth. It's traditional

It really isn't! Your mum spun you a proper live there! 😂

I wouldn't say it was traditional in British culture.

My obstetrician has worked in several countries and said that the COVID restrictions were hard for many women giving birth because they were only allowed one birth partner whereas they would traditionally have had a lot of female family members in the room, whereas here it didn't make much difference because most women only have their partner present anyway.

Neither of my grandmothers were present when my mum or aunties gave birth in the 1980s and 1990s either.

That comes across as potential blackmail if dm took that attitude to OP. Wouldn't be a great loss by the sounds of it and it would be dm that loses out on seeing gc as much

Yes it's pretty misguided really.

Mothers who typically engage in emotional blackmail don't seem to have understood that once their daughters are living independent adult lives and don't rely on them for necessities anymore, it's not so easy to threaten them with consequences for not doing what the mother wants.

The birth of the daughter's first baby is often where that power dynamic breaks down because the daughter is now the one who has something the mother wants; a brand new baby.

Obviously babies shouldn't be used as bargaining chips, but if the daughter feels that her mother is being less than supportive, naturally the relationship between the grandmother and the grandchild will be less close.

Mothers who try to make the birth of a grandchild all about them and what they want have not understood that at this stage of life, if you stamp your foot, you are potentially shooting yourself in it.