For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

She is being totally unreasonable and she’s awful to put such pressure on you. It doesn’t sound like she’s a midwife as she is not being professional - she has no rights.
It maybe possible to change maternity hospitals - talk to your midwife's and ensure your concern is recorded.
I wouldn’t put it past her to barge in when you’re vulnerable and ruin your first time together as a new family.

It sounds like there must be a back story, otherwise your choices (which are indeed yours to make) are unnecessarily unkind. Your mother is a midwife. She sees newborn babies every day. It’s one thing not to want her in theatre during the caesarean. It’s another to keep her away for half a day. Her colleagues will be at the birth of your baby. Surely it would do you no harm to let her pop in once baby is born and you are settled. Your exclusionary attitude is likely causing her a lot of upset, resulting in her saying silly things. Have you reflected on your motives? It seems very immature of you.

I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this drama two days before giving birth. It's important you set boundaries with her as otherwise she will try to interfere with everything years to come.

She has no rights!
my DD has asked if I will be her birth partner I said of course I will if her partner is stuck at work or she actually wants me there this time round
I would never impose myself on their time with a newborn

Tell her the date's changed and it's going to be the next day.

Is it too late to switch?

I would consider pointing out to your mum that if you have to tell your own medical team not to let her hang around outside the theatre or visit before you're ready, it's going to be awkward and embarrassing for her because the people you will be telling are people who know her in a professional capacity.

Your sister needs to butt right out as well.

The date could easily change as well. There are many stories on here of women whose elective sections get bumped to the next day because there are too many emergencies. The OP's mum could waste a day off for no reason.

Be clear and start as you mean to go on otherwise she’ll always push boundaries. Tell her grandparents rights don’t exist and if you have to you’ll tell staff you don’t want her there, which you’d rather not do for the sake of your career. Say the longer she behaves like this the more likely it is that you’ll want even longer before she meets the baby.

She sounds controlling and manipulative. Of course she wants to meet her grandchild but to put you under pressure like that and make you feel bad about it. It’s very reasonable for you to want the actual birth to just be about you, partner and baby.

This.

@FunSeal

Your choice should completely be respected….. however, if this is your first baby and you’ve never been through major surgery before….. you might want your Mum. With her experience she is probably very aware of this, might be anxious for you too.

You also will very surely want and need her support after baby is born, and babies are substantially more draining than this minor blip with Mum… so I wouldn’t risk alienating her.

Find a compromise.

I have a good relationship with my mum and my MIL. I wouldn't have wanted either of them in the hospital when I gave birth.

As it happens I live really far from my family (abroad) and when my first child was born there were COVID restrictions still in place. My son was nearly 2 months old when my mum saw him for the first time, and my daughter was nearly 2 weeks old (no COVID restrictions).

The OP's mum can wait until the evening. Bloody hell!

Why does the OP need to compromise?

If she wants her mum earlier, she can call her.

"we are only having the baby at this hospital because you promised you wouldn't interfere. So why are you interfering? We had this conversation, and now you're proving that we can't trust you in the future"

Then contact the department and tell them that you don't want her there.

When I had my first baby my mum wanted to be at the birth I said no and that we would keep her updated. Low and behold she turned up, midwife asked me if she could come in I told them to tell her to go home. A few hours later they were saying 'your poor mum is still outside' I still refused. It became all about her. Even now she talks about it being one of the worst days because of how worried she was alone in the corridor.
Stick to your decision and best wishes with it all.

Absolutely this. And stress to her how embarrassing that will be for her for her work colleagues to know how much she is overstepping.

And if she doesn't back off, I would tell have no qualms telling my medical team to not allow her in.

This

I would probably also contact the matron overseeing. That department and ask them to remind all staff of the importance of confidentiality and the penalties for breaking it. If your mum did access your notes it would be logged and she could be sacked.

Half a day?

Oh the brutality!

She must be a pain in the arse as otherwise you would want her there straight away.
I wanted my Mum asap and was so happy to see her.
I imagine she is embarrassed that you don't as it shows that she is a pain to her colleagues.

Ok, so she if she's like I was, part of it will be concern and part of it will be excitement and love. I'm sure it all comes from a very good place.

If she's not normally batshit then please bear that in mind.

But she IS being batshit, and she's casting blame all around, and breaking the promise she made. There is no 'good place' if she's doing that.

I'm a GP. It's massively exciting and worrying on the day. But the rest of us don't have the opportunity to lurk next to the theatre, nor would we against our DD's wishes.

I'm not sure why so many people think that OP doesn't recognise what she wants and will somehow be magically grateful that she's there. Had my mum been there it would have ruined both my birth experience and our relationship.

Well it's not hard to see why you don't want her there. YANBU.

She knows she doesn’t have the rights she says she does, and she knows you should be supported to have who you want at your birth. It wouldn’t be possible for her to work where she does and not know this. I’d tell your midwife and see DM the next day, and I’d also talk to DM and explain you understand she’s worried and excited but that she’s making your big day all about her feelings and what’s happening to her and you’d like her to think about what being a good mum and grandmother actually looks like in this instance. Tell your sister she’s really disappointed you by making an upsetting situation worse and you expect her to help you be happy with the decisions you have made which means helping your mum feel happy to do as you ask not fuelling her upset.
I wish you a safe and easy birth and recovery. Focus on your baby the world will sort itself out.

No this is not an unreasonable request from you.
As someone who worked in maternity for years I would mention to the staff on the day that your mum is on the unit but you would like her to be somewhere else until you are ready. They have a duty of care to you

Swap hospitals. She has no rights and you have the right to your birth as you want it. I'd put in the birth plan what you want re your mum. Professional and personal lines crossed here. Her line manager might need to know.

It would be a bit different if she had said she wanted to be there to support you or to make sure you are ok as giving birth is a big deal still and she wanted to be there for you as you are her 'baby'. However the level of batshittery coming out of her mouth re special privileges and grandparents rights is concerning and sounds like she's just out for herself and to see the baby.