For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

Speak to her manager and say that you categorically do not want her waiting outside theatre for you.

She needs to be really careful in regards to her professional boundaries. Particularly if she's a registered midwife. She could end up in a lot of trouble if she oversteps.

same rules apply if she's an assistant/MSW/theatre staff/ward clerk/domestic staff/any other staff. If she changes her shift to work that day she should be doing her job not hanging about in theatres. If she starts just hanging about outside theatres she'll likely get moved along anyway. Have a word with the MW in charge today to express your concern and mention to the medical team looking after you tomorrow. It shouldn't be a problem. If she uses her staff access card/codes to get in when you've expressed that you don't want a visitor at that point then actually that could probably get her into some trouble.

^^ This

I'd tell them that you're prepared to report her to PALS if she turns up.
The manager won't want to have that to deal with.

My dm, also a midwife 40 years ago, went on holiday when my ds was due, she didn't want people knowing she was old enough to be a gp!
😅

I can understand why your mum would like to be there (mine would be the same) however she would respect my decision if I said no.

This! The staff will respect your decision- they have to- and I’m sorry that your own mum doesn’t! Wishing you and Daddy a happy birth experience xx

I'm glad your mum isn't a midwife because if she was, I'm guessing the NMC would want to know about her abusing her position and refusing to respect the wishes of patients.

As it is, I'm pretty sure her employer would be appalled if they knew how she was behaving. It's not acceptable for anyone who works in a healthcare setting to be intruding into relatives' care. All patients are entitled to their privacy, and that includes from their own families.

If she believes that 'grandparents' rights' exist then I hope she's not spinning that bullshit to patients. Imagine if some poor woman on the ward was crying because she wants to keep her baby away from her abusive family and one of the healthcare assistants tells her there's a such a thing as 'grandparents' rights'.

There is no such thing as grandparents rights, lol.

Are you worried she's going to run off with your baby or something? Take her in another room?
Either way, if she's working then she wouldn't be able to stay with you and the baby for more than 2 mins anyway as she'll be needed elsewhere. I think denying her a quick 2 mins with her new grandchild is really mean but that's just my opinion. I also don't see how it impinges on time with your partner

It really doesn’t matter that you wouldn’t mind or think it’s “mean”. I mean personally I think it’s REALLY mean to insist on pushing yourself into a woman’s experience when she’s just had a baby and had major surgery. I think it’s perfectly normal to want to talk to your partner and see the baby for a morning and possibly recover a little and be able to show your baby to your mum proudly a bit later.

We are all entitled to our own feelings. I didn't want my mother present when I gave birth, it was a home birth and she was in the house looking after my first born who was a toddler. The first thing I told the midwife when she arrived was if they let my mother in the room I was leaving. She believed me and when mum put her head round the door she was immediately removed.

Personally being outside the room and seeing baby leaving theatre wouldn't seem a big deal to me but if it upsets you it upsets you. No more should be said.

'Really mean'.🙄

@TomeTome OP asked for opinions! 😂 So yours is permitted but mine isn't? Please explain in detail why I am forbidden for giving my opinion but you are permitted. I'll wait

*from

Why are so many families absolutely barking mad and so disrespectful of boundaries and privacy?
Keep her away, she’s fucking nuts

Perfect.

I responded to your opinion. No permission was refused, or opinion forbidden. It’s called a discussion, which I suppose might grow into a debate. What else could you do but wait?

Some PP’s saying it’s unkind and mean of OP. It is absolutely not unkind. OP’s mum doesn’t automatically have the right because she’s staff and because her other children allowed her to do it. OP isn’t saying her mum can’t meet baby - she’s even hoping she gets to meet baby that evening once she’s out of recovery, on the ward and settled with baby. What’s wrong with that? It’s more than some grandparents get - my mum had to wait until the next day to come to hospital to meet DS as policy stated no visitors except birth partner on the day of delivery. DH’s mum had to wait until we’d been home a day or two and settled. I had an elective c-section and those few hours after baby was born DH and I wanted it just to be us, so I completely get OPs wishes. We were on the recovery ward, I was still pretty numb from spinal so not in any pain, enjoying my tea and toast in peace, midwife had dimmed the lighting in the room and made it all cosy and relaxing. DH and I were taking it in turns to do skin to skin, I was getting to grips with feeding, we were soaking in those first precious cuddles and moments together as a family. The midwife popped her head in every now and then to check me or sat quietly in a corner. It was all very quiet, calm and relaxed. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there so I totally see where you’re coming from OP and I agree with you.

OP, I’d make it clear to your doctors, midwife on the day or even at your pre-op that while your mum is a staff, as family she is to be classed the same as any visitor and that means you don’t want any visitors until X time. Unfortunately, if your mum won’t get it into her head that this is your birth and your wish, you may have to spell it out for her colleagues who may not see the issue with her popping her head in or being there. If you explicitly tell them you don’t want anyone except DH there, including your mum, then they have to respect your wishes.

Speak to the midwives in the morning and say that you don’t want any visitors until you say so.
Also, and most importantly, good luck for tomorrow x

Tell her you will ask the theatre staff etc to keep her away. So she can either respect your decision or be embarrassed at her place of work by the request and the action if she tries to breach the rules.

Oh dear. She hoodwinked you there, didn't she. 😬

It’s bad enough when men say shit like this. It’s bloody awful when women use it to excuse perfectly reasonable behaviour/wants. The op doesn’t owe her mother an explanation, she’s having major surgery and becoming a mother all within a tiny period of time. No woman needs to explain why she wants to recover for a moment before seeing anyone bar her husband/partner immediately after birth. It’s an intensely private and unique moment to every individual woman. Of course there are women who do want to share it with their own mothers, the op isn’t one.

Contact the hospital and ensure that you're hospital records are inaccessible for your mum.

There's GDPR that states that those not part of your care are unable to have access. But if she is on a shift during an appointment etc with consultant she could argue she has a need to have access.

Then phone another hospital and arrange for your c-section to be done there. Ensure your records are kept confidential from all family and then once the baby is born, decide who and when you're going to inform relatives.

You could wait until you get home.

Let your mum stew about who gets what access for a while. Your responsibility is your baby and your health.

Good luck for tomorrow @FunSeal. Hope you've told your delivery team if your wishes for the day and that the only people you want anywhere near you until you are ready are your medical team and your partner. Ensure they realise that includes all close family apart from your partner.

Will your partner advocate for you so your wishes are adhered to? Also he should have his mobile phone switched off so that there aren't people constantly calling for updates until you are ready. 🌹

It’s pretty fucking clear why you didn’t want her there.