For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

She works in a midwifery unit! She should know better than to do this whether she's nervous or not.

YANBU at all. Just because she is a staff member there, it does not give her special privileges! I'm a nurse, and if friends or family of mine are in the hospital I work at, I don't expect any special privileges. I visit them (if they feel up to it!) during usual visiting hours and ask them to let me know if there is anything they need me to bring in (if I have to drop this stuff off out of visiting hours, I explain who I am, give it to the charge nurse/sister on the ward and then leave the ward). I don't expect to just be able to wander in and out whenever. The only two exceptions for that were my parents: they listed me as their named next of kin, and when both were in their last days/hours, I stayed with them and assisted in their personal care - but that was at their request and with the permission of the charge nurse/sister of the ward they were on.

I'd be concerned that your mother might feel she has the right to look up your information in your notes. I hope she doesn't do that, it's completely illegal. Also, there is no such things as "grandparents' rights"! She should know that, working where she does! I understand that she is worried but she should know the colleagues that she works with and trust in them to give you the best care. Good luck for tomorrow!! I was lucky enough to be in a theatre placement for an elective CS and it was a wonderful, happy experience.

Well she has no 'rights' as such and her reaction would make me dig in my heels even more, but why don't you want her there? She's not asking to be in the operating theatre.
There (if it was anything like my two sections) about ten people in there with you. It certainly isn't a cosy birthing experience!

Help and support shouldn’t be conditional.

If OP’s mother makes it so, then she is depriving herself of a happy relationship with her daughter and grandchild.

OP is not doing this. OP is not saying she does not and will not value her mother’s support in the future. She is simply asking for a few hours alone with her newborn and partner.

Your birth, your choice.

She's stamping her feet but will hopefully come to terms with it.

Agree that could be a bit of workplace embarrassment. Maybe this is what other midwifes usually do?

The OP has been quite clear. She wants the first few hours after the birth to be between her, her husband and the new baby. A very private few hours and that is not the least unreasonable , especially as there is no problem with her mother seeing the baby in the evening. Her mother should respect her daughter's wishes and step back. Making it all about herself is simply not on.

No, making it all about herself is not on, I agree.

Is it too late to change to the other hospital you were considering?

So sorry you are having to deal with this. I didn't have any visitors other than DH at the hospital. Parents came to visit when baby was 3 days old. I have no idea whether they were at all upset or put out about this, since they wouldn't have said. I don't think so- they seemed very happy!

She's making the birth all about her. For that reason alone I'd be keeping her at arms length.
Such a shame as she could be a brilliant support to you but instead is choosing to be a massive pain in the arse.

As said, she works in midwifery and should be extremely aware of the importance of respecting the mother's choices.
She's jealous because you'll be the center of attention and she wants to muscle in on it.

You've already told her she can visit in the evening and I'd be wondering how professional she is if she's intending to use her position to her advantage.
She told you to give birth in the hospital where she works and promised not to interfere, so I'd be telling her that loud and clear!
Of course she's excited to see her new grandchild and to check that you're ok but a quick phone call from your partner and a visit in the evening is perfectly acceptable.
I don't know how easy it is but I'd be trying to change to the other hospital.

It seems very immature of you.

Are you the Mum?! She wants to be able to go through, and recover from having abdominal surgery in private. Those are her motives. She wants to be a little family with her new baby and husband. That's the opposite of immature. Geez.

No!!!

She’s probably just angry and upset. People say all kinds of stupid stuff when upset.

Atleast tell her why.

maybe your being hormonal - it happens when your pregnant

OP it appears your mother has infiltrated the thread! 🙄

"Being hormonal"?

Jeez. She just doesn't want her mum hanging around outside the operating theatre while she's having a C-section.

You aren’t being hormonal unless that means not doing what everyone else wants on a day that should be about you and your baby. FFS is it really necessary to be so people pleasing all the time? It’s ok to centre yourself op.

Your mother is a midwife.

Is she though? OP says that she works in the midwifery unit, she does not say that she is a midwife.

@EnglishBluebell after 5 days in hospital with a labour that wasn’t progressing normally and every induction trick in the book not working, ending in an emergency c section because I was becoming unwell and baby was distressed I don’t think I was unreasonable.

If It makes you feel better though, they met her when she was 3 days old and have seen her every week since 😂 and when the doctor clears me to drive again after the 6 week check up they will probably see her more!

I'm getting the impression that mum is a cleaner on the unit or some such. Because if she was a midwife or HCA, through her training she would surely know better than to take this stand.

You never know

my sister was very hormonal while pregnant and was with family.

Yes but objecting to someone hanging around while you are giving birth or having surgery is completely reasonable regardless of hormones.

By suggesting that the OP is being hormonal, you're making it sound like the OP is being unreasonable.

Maybe she isn’t.

Sorry for late reply. Just to clarify a few points:

She is an assistant not a midwife

My reasoning for saying no is that I want a few hours of just time with me, partner and new baby. I love my mum and want her to have her time with the baby, but in the afternoon. She's unhappy that it isn't immediately.

My partners mother is coming after my mum. She has not demanded special treatment

It's too late to change really because everything is all set for tommorow.

Good luck,I hope your mother comes to her senses.