For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

Her colleagues will expect her to be equally excited and nervous. They will be surprised at you not allowing her to be around, although too professional to say anything.

Haha they really, really won't be. Healthcare professionals see all sorts. They'll be completely unfazed and uninterested in something as ordinary and banal as a new mum not wanting her mum around after a big operation.

Don't worry, op. This is not something to worry about people gossiping about. It's totally normal and sensible to be choosy about who visits you after giving birth.

The OP hasn't said she doesn't want to see her mum. She's said she is hoping to have her C-section in the morning so that she will be able to see her mum that evening after she and her baby's father have had a few hours together with their new baby.

If the other staff working in the maternity unit think this is in any way weird then the OP is giving birth in the wrong hospital.

Would you really feel embarrassed saying to your work colleagues, "Yes, I'm so thrilled and looking forward to meeting the baby as soon as she's feeling up to visitors"?

I’d be looking into whether it’s too late to move hospital alternative or I’d speak to your midwife and have it put in your notes that you don’t want her involved. If she turns up with no work reason to be there then it could be a disciplinary for her. Sorry OP she sounds like she’s going to be a nightmare.

I had c-sections with both of mine, the first was a covid baby so my husband could barely visit so no chance of grandparents visiting. The second we chose to just have my husband there and he went and collected our eldest to visit in the evening. We chose to have grandparents visit once we were home and we’d had a day to settle in as a family of 4. I wasn’t all that keen on having them visiting when I knew one feel like shit. I’m sure they weren’t thrilled about it but all they accepted that that was our decision.

I would simply ask to speak to the matron, and explain what’s happening. They should be able to keep your Mum away.

@Robinni - if this woman would withdraw affection and support (be alienated) from her own daughter because she was required to wait half a day to see her after she delivers via major surgery, then she is an utter, utter bitch.

I didn’t have sections but friends did. They were fine but some went very shivery and cold afterwards and they didn’t get as long holding their newborns as I did with my first. They got a brief look before baby was attended at the Resuscitaire, then as their babies were luckily doing well and didn’t need more assistance they were sort of wrapped and wedged next to mums face for a bit and dad got to hold but obviously the mum is fairly immobile. If they are planning to breast feed they can need a lot of help with holds and it can be quite tricky and of course emotional to start with. I’ve heard stories from the U.S. of new mothers coming round from GA sections or post-op complications to find their mothers and MILs have held their baby before they did.

This woman does not sound like someone you could trust to let the new mother and father have their space in those precious first hours together with their new baby. Would she be happy with a 5 minute peek? Or would they struggle to get her to leave? Who knows? What we do know is that she tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. I’m all for mothers having the support they want and need at delivery and this mother is clear she just wants the baby’s father.

I loved my mother and she wasn’t like this woman’s mother but I wouldn’t have wanted her at the delivery. I wanted it to be something I experienced with my husband, the father. He walked around holding her while they stitched me up, which took forever, and in was in that time that he really bonded with her. She was very awake and alert in the first couple of hours. He was lit from within. I think parents need that storehouse of slavish adoration for the sleep deprived months that are to come.

My mum would have been very worried about me and stressed by the whole process and I’d have felt I had to manage her feelings. Again that doesn’t mean it’s not right for other mothers and daughters but it is ALWAYS the delivering mother’s choice.

This woman is putting her own ego ahead of her daughter’s wishes and is also seemingly motivated by a desire to be ahead of the other grandma. So childish and petty!

It‘a very sad. The OP shouldn’t be having to navigate this at such a time and this stupid woman has almost certainly inflicted damage on their relationship just when it should be a source of such joy.

I’d speak with her supervisor or your doctor and say you know your mum is keen but you need some peace and can she stay away from you until you are ready. Perhaps she’ll listen if it comes from work.

Its also worrying because she knows what’s normal here, and this definitely isn’t it!

but very best of luck to you and your family

I didn’t have my mum visit for several days after the birth of my children and it absolutely hasn’t harmed my relationship with her, she respects that it was mine and my husbands choice to have some time with baby first. I didn’t need my mum there, I had my husband, there was absolutely nothing my mum could do that he couldn’t do. I know you’re going to come back and say how would I feel if i didn’t see any future grandchildren for several days, I honestly wouldn’t care as baby would be spending time with its parents, the ONLY people it NEEDS to be there for it.

if she really wants to support her daughter as you say in your post then she would respect the OPs wishes wouldn’t she?? Why should the OP have to put her mother’s wants above her own?

My parents and In laws didn't even come to the hospital to visit (only in for 24 hours for both) as per our wishes.....and my MIL is a midwife.

At the end of the day it's your choice. She works in the midwife unit so should be well aware that it is a mothers choice. Also I would remind you siblings that just because they chose to have your mother involved doesn't mean you have to.

I hope it all goes ok and the way you want. You mother really should understand that not respecting your wishes now would potentially have a big impact on what happens when the baby arrives.

She is putting her own wants and needs before her daughter’s wants and needs. She doesn’t know better and needs to stop this!

For all those who think the OP’s mum is hard done by, why not advocate for the husband’s mum to be there as well? Or the grandads to be? Or is it acceptable because the OP’s mum works there so has some extra special ‘right’ to see the new baby, possibly before the op even gets a chance to hold her baby properly?

This isn’t about the op’s mum happening to be a midwife who works in the same hospital, that information is somewhat irrelevant. This is only about the op, who’s not only about to give birth but also going through major surgery. Whatever her choices are to make her feel as comfortable and stress free as possible should be respected. No one else’s feelings matter beyond that. The op is still the most important person in this scenario, and her mum is very much reading as someone who has the thought of a new grandchild over the mum who’s bringing them into the world. Which is extra concerning considering her job - mum comes first when giving birth.

My MIL came to pick us up from hospital after my son was born. She had a peek at him in his car seat but she didn't even come into our house when she dropped us off. She let us have some time and then she and FIL came back a few hours later and stayed for maybe an hour when I was having a nap. They didn't even try to hold him for ages, I think he was a few weeks old when I finally had to put him in her arms because she was being so careful not to tread on my toes as a new mother. I actually had no problem with her having a cuddle. She was wonderful in the weeks and months following his birth and that has continued to this day. It was a great source of comfort to me when I went into labour with my second child overnight to know that my parents in law would be there when my son woke up in the morning and would be able to look after him properly.

I think grandparents who overstep boundaries in the early days fail to understand that all they are doing is sabotaging their own relationship with their grandchildren from day one.

My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby.

Nowhere does the OP say that her mum is a midwife - and I would be very surprised if she was with her behaviour.

@FunSeal can you clarify what your mum actually does?

That's really sad. Your poor parents just wanted to meet their new grandchild

They did meet their new grandchild eventually!

A newborn isn’t a possession, their mother has just been through the most physically demanding medical event of their lives. And a newborn doesn’t care to meet new family members as harsh as that is - all a brand new baby wants is their mother. Of course other family members want to meet a brand new baby, but what people want and what is the right thing to do by the new mother and baby often do not correlate. The last thing a new mother needs to worry or care about is the feelings of other who don’t immediately get to meet their newborn.

It's totally your choice and should 100% be your decision. It luckily sounds like you haven't had many dealings with the NHS but you should know that having anyone on your side who works within the system, whether that's Mum, sibling or best friend is a big benefit to have, especially if anything is slightly amiss.

Is she always like this, or is there something she knows about the midwifery care about your hospital (and can’t tell you) which is why she wants to be there & is getting stressed as a result? Have you even asked her?

I personally found having a private midwife at the birth invaluable as she questioned everything and managed to get the other midwives to take things seriously (which they would otherwise have ignored). So if you have access to one free of charge I’d be very wary of not using her.

Yes this. My brother in law came in just once to see me and DC, realised one of the other babies wasn’t breathing normally, and forced the nurses to refer them to a consultant. The baby was then rushed to ncu with a lung infection.

If she knows something bad about the midwifery care in her hospital, why did she twist the OP's arm to get her to give birth there?

Why is it that when a woman has just been through the most taxing event on their body, they are STILL expected to bend to the feelies of everyone else?

Everyone else can wait until mum is ready, no ifs or buts

It’s your birth experience not hers, She presumably chose who she wanted present when you and your sibling were born and so she should respect your wishes. She certainly shouldn’t be stressing you out right now! Stick to your guns and she’ll get over it once baby is here xx

It's not too late to give birth in a different hospital.
I didn't even tell my side of the family I was giving birth as I knew they would constantly be texting and making drama, just gave birth with dh around.
In hindsight I'm glad it was just him as I wanted to have privacy, nobody missed anything and it was a difficult labour.
Also had a week without visitors and dh had parental leave so just us and the baby. I'm quite firm about boundaries.

I have no direct experience of this, but I keep my parents at arm’s length and tell them as little about my life as possible because this is exactly the kind of shit they would pull. Emotional blackmail is their favourite pastime.

I would ignore nonsense like “grandparents’ rights” and stick to your guns. You need to get used to setting boundaries, I’m afraid.

Our daughter had a choice of 2 hospitals. Is that an option for you, to go elsewhere?

The fact she’s throwing out the grandparents rights card shows what a tit she is!! Just say no and make it clear in paper work and to YOUR midwife, she isn’t welcome!!