For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

because the daughter is now the one who has something the mother wants; a brand new baby.

😂😂😂😂

I can tell you right now, that the last thing I wanted at 60 was a brand new baby!

I love my DGCs greatly, but jeeze, I imagine that the percentage of prospective grandmothers who want their own brand new baby will be tiny

I hope everything went ok.

Definitely your choice and the granparents rights thing is a bit extreme but some grandparents do end up going to court to gain access to grandchildren. I would assume shes super excited and personally wouldnt have an issue with her seeing baby shortly after birth. My daughter had me there for all her 3 and my other daughter had her baby in 2020 so wasnt allowed anyone but her partner and she was very upset I wasnt able to be with her. My sons wives didnt have parents there. Personal choice but I think those who are on about her being mad and putting in boundaries are well ott. Id rather an enthusiastic supportive grandparent than 1 who didnt give a toss.

an enthusiastic and supportive grandparent is one thing...one who's prepared to use her professional privilege (swipe card access to theatre) to do something her daughter's explicitly asked her not to do is another.

Speak to your midwife.
Tell them your concerns about your mother and what YOU & DP want to happen in terms of visitors or people trying to get access to the baby.

Prepare yourself for a future of a tantrums - from your mother!

'I think denying her a quick 2 mins with her new grandchild is really mean'.
No there is nothing 'mean' about a brand new mother wanting to prioritise her own feelings during this precious time.

Her colleagues will expect her to be equally excited and nervous. They will be surprised at you not allowing her to be around, although too professional to say anything.

This is also nonsense. Why should the OP care what the colleagues think even if they are 'surprised' by this (they are probably not)? Why on earth would their feelings even matter?

The insidious disregard and contempt really unsettles me. We have even had the suggestion that the OP is 'hormonal' implying that pregnant women/new mothers don't know their own minds. The extent to which women - even when giving birth - are expected to accommodate other people's wishes to their own detriment, I really don't get it. And on MN of all places.

'...some grandparents do end up going to court to gain access to grandchildren.'

There are usually exceptional circumstances in those cases and all centred on the child's needs, eg safeguarding concerns or a long close relationship existing between GP & GC. None of which are relevant here.

The OP is not 'denying access' FGS, just asking for a few hours delay immediately after the birth until GM meets the baby.

Your baby your choice

You can tell the hospital not to let her in. I did that with my MIL but it does risk damaging relationships... although mine with my MIL was already irreparable

Turn it back on her. If you were just any mother on the ward, and told the midwife that you wanted some time with the baby just them and the father without any other family members for a few hours, they would be gatekeeping your wishes and telling the expectant grandmother that she couldn't visit right now for some spurious reason and that someone would call when they were ready to expect visitors.

When did this become 'a thing' that all and sundry seemed to think they are entitled to be in the delivery room, or waiting outside? Our parents got a 'phone call to tell them their grandchild had arrived; that was less than 25 years ago.

I first heard of it when my friend's son was born almost 33 years' ago.She had her parents,her brother and two aunts waiting outside the delivery room

Her brother wanted the whole clan to be present when his son was born 10 years' later but his wife refused.

Considering her profession I would probably want her to be around but if you've decided it's private, then she needs to respect your boundaries. Stand your ground.

Personally I didn't want anyone in the room but my partner and thats what happened. We invited our parents when we were ready and they respected this.

Considering her profession I would probably want her to be around

The OP has already said her mum isn’t a midwife.

I meant it's traditional, as in it's a tradition in most of the world, everywhere, for most of history. However, that doesn't mean she has a right to be there.

Maternity wards are.locked. Express the no visitors and specify you do not want her inside or outside the theatre. Get your partner to tell her ( if shes his mum) that you do not wish her to be there in that moment but you cant wait to see her meet the new baby once you are home.
Mothers wishes are law.

Choose another hospital or birthing centre. Don't tell anyone except your other half and best friend.

Hey @FunSeal

Firstly, congratulations on your daughter who I’m sure has made an appearance by now.

I know you’ll be very busy, but I was wondering how the birth went, was it as straightforward as you thought or did you want your Mum in the end? What arrangement was organised?

I hope you were able to resolve things and all went well for the birth, and that you’re starting to feel better after surgery and baby doing well.

Honestly from my own experience people that love to cause drama or throw spanners In the works genuinely thrive and live for it. You'll learn eventually that this person needs to change or leave and the last thing you want before you and your partner experience this is to have conflict because boy, it dosent get any easier!