For not allowing mother to birth of baby

[FunSeal]

I am due my first baby in two days and myself and my DP was so excited. My mother works in the midwifery unit where we are having the baby. I am having an elective section for health reasons.

Today I told my mum that hopefully I have a morning slot so that she could come visit in the evening. She is very upset that she is not being allowed to wait outside theatre for me to come out. She wants to swap her shift from Saturday to Friday so she has an excuse to be in the hospital and to try and see baby earlier and to use her being staff to get special privileges.

She states that she has grandparent rights and is absolutely furious that I have said no to this. Sheis blaming DP and stating that they must of made this decision when that's not the case. She really thinks ita no big deal for her to wait outside and my sibling have said that I should allow her to do this as she was involved in my niece and nephews birth.

She is now saying that my partners mum must have something to do it with it and that MIL will see the baby more then her.

AiBu by saying she is not allowed to wait outside theatre?

This 100%

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I had a traumatic birth which ended in caesarean. At the point where I was going down to theatre I really wanted my Mum but I couldn’t vocalise it.

A scheduled caesarean should be more straightforward, but never the less you can’t prepare yourself for the emotion you feel when having a baby, nor what it feels like for surgery, how the drugs make you feel, the level of pain after.

Her mother isn’t wanting to be in the room, she just wants to be close by, she can always say look mum come up to the ward after when we’ve had some time.

My point would be that, particularly when recovering from major surgery, she might need her Mum’s help and support quite a bit after birth… The newborn period can be like a car crash to the face, especially if breastfeeding, exhausting. If her Mum is a willing supporter it’s silly to push her away for the sake of idealised notions about births.

The extended family is so much more important when you have children.

Yes but it's not about what the OP's mum wants. It's about what the OP wants.

The OP says she doesn't want her mum to be hanging around or visiting before she's ready, and her mum should respect that.

Why on earth should the OP have to compromise on this?

If her mum is stressing her out about this, she probably won't be all that helpful after the birth either.

No.

The last thing @FunSeal needs to do is prioritize her mother’s feelings over her own. As a midwife, her mother should be putting her daughter’s feelings ahead of her own. Instead of supporting her daughter, she’s trying to make herself a primary focus. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

As both a grandmother and midwife, supporting her daughter should be her first concern. Instead, she’s throwing a tantrum and insulting not only her daughter, but her son in law and his mother! OP isn’t responsible for her mother’s behaviour in the slightest. That’s completely her mother’s fault.

@FunSeal giving birth isn’t about her mother or meeting whatever expectations her mother has about it. Shouldn’t even be on her radar of things to be concerned about.

Of all days, one would think that the day a woman gives birth, she can put her feelings first, not have to buckle under to what someone else wants

She sounds horrible to deal with

Your birth, your choice

If she's an HCP then she should know that this is unacceptable. She shouldn't be anywhere near until you're ready. If she persists, I would contact the unit and let the MW in charge know your concerns so that they can 'manage' her work load on that day if she is working/ or can remind her that she needs to keep out. Also mention it to the surgeons/anaesthetists and they'll put their foot down too. It's not an unusual scenario on labour wards and most of the MWs at least know the deal.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

She is entitled to whatever she wants, it’s her baby and her right.

My point is it may backfire on her if she is unwilling to acknowledge her mother’s feelings as valid and work with her to a solution.

It’s easy when you are in a hospital with doctors, nurses, husband and flocks of family wanting to see newborn.

It’s not so easy when baby is 3wks, you haven’t slept more than 2hrs a night in a week, your wound is infected, you’re constipated due to pain relief, you can’t drive to escape, you can’t hold the baby for long but they won’t stop crying, you’re hungry but can’t get a minute to make anything, husband back at work, novelty of newborn worn off so nobody cares…. Except your Mum, they normally show up at this point if able and living near.

So I am saying do what you want, but be wary that you could be cutting off your nose to spite your face in the long run.

This. She sounds batshit and entitled.

Has she always been like this? You don't need this now; you should be focusing on yourself and your birth.

I’d be crystal clear with my birthing team that mother isn’t allowed to hold the baby before you if she does turn up. You’d never forgive that.

I’m not sure the OP has said her mother is a midwife has she?

YANBU I'd inform the midwives when you arrive that your mums being a bit batshit and not listening to your boundaries. Could they please not let her visit. Otherwise she's likely to just turn up and they don't know not to let her in.

Surely in her profession she should be used to hearing patients' wishes regarding this exact scenario and maybe even having an active role in keeping unwanted visitors at bay. So wtf is she thinking? She knows there are no such thing as grandparents' rights.

The people that stomp all over your boundaries and care more about themselves than you during your birth are rarely the ones to suddenly start prioritising you and being of any actual help or support to you when you need it. They're the ones that think cuddling your baby for you while you clean up and make them cuppas is a favour.

But her mothers feelings are not valid

Its not her birth, not her choice
She is selfish to be kicking up over being told to wait and making it all about her
She should be respecting the OP wishes on this.
Bet she would enforce the wishes of any of her patients but cos OP is her DD she isnt worthy of the same respect in her mothers eyes

Id actually be saying ignore my wishes and never meet the baby - simple

Your mum is a midwife and she works on the unit. She's clearly very anxious about you as she's only too aware of how some women are immediately after a c section. Many want and need their mums.

Her colleagues will expect her to be equally excited and nervous. They will be surprised at you not allowing her to be around, although too professional to say anything.

FWIW my DDs asked their DHs to phone me to come in as soon as the baby was born, not to see the baby as such, but because they just wanted their mum after the biggest event of their lives.

Your entrenched attitude could harm your relationship with her and when you really need help she may feel reluctant to give it.

Many of you are painting her as a narcissistic woman who doesn't care about your feelings. As a mum and grandmother I know she's very nervous and just wants to support YOU.

I disagree.

We all have different relationships with our mothers.

Some new grandmothers will be an absolute godsend in the weeks following the birth of their new grandchild; others will only be a source of stress.

In my experience, the ones who are the most helpful are the ones who do what the new parents need, not what they themselves want to do. They respect the new parents' boundaries during and immediately after the birth, they wait to be invited, and when they are, they say, "What do you need?"

If the OP's mother is already trying to make the birth all about her and what she wants, any "help" she offers in the next few weeks and months will also be all about her and what she wants. If the OP and her partner don't establish firm boundaries now, her mother will be round 24/7 offering to hold the baby and being very forthcoming with her opinions about how everything should be done, but not necessarily doing more helpful but boring things such as cooking a meal or doing a supermarket shop. If all she's going to do is interfere with the OP and her partner's time getting to know their baby and establishing feeding etc, that's not actually helpful.

Tell your mum in simple terms she is ruining this for you by putting her wants above your own. Tell her it's your decision and it's not a competition as to who sees baby the most etc. A few hours waiting to see the baby will not harm her and if she can't respect your wishes tell her you will request a change of hospital and will see her when you are ready to and the more she disrespects you the longer that is likely to be

She could support the OP by respecting her wishes.

Your mum is a midwife and she works on the unit. She's clearly very anxious about you as she's only too aware of how some women are immediately after a c section. Many want and need their mums.

And many of us really, really, REALLY don't. Why do you think you know OP better than she knows herself?

@FunSeal you must inform the nurse in charge of the unit before you go in for delivery, of the people who can see the baby and if the baby is taken away to the nursery then the staff there must also be informed. my daughter had a bad experience with her MIL who ran to scbu at 8am to see the baby before my daughter had even seen the baby properly!! the staff in scbu let her in but it could have been anyone really because they had no proof she was the grandmother! I can see this mother parking her car in the car park and outside the house! she is off the planet crazy!!

@Robinni OP’s mother would have to be pretty harsh to withhold help when OP needs it 3 weeks later because she wanted some time with just her new baby and partner fresh out of theatre.

She isn’t saying she doesn’t want her mum to meet baby, just that she wants a bit of time with just baby and partner initially. I don’t understand this notion of ‘well don’t expect help/babysitting etc down the line’ just because grandparents don’t get exactly what they want when they want it. My own mother totally understood and now has a great relationship with both of my Dc.

My mum turned up much sooner than invited and she's 'difficult' but actually it was a joyous occasion so we didn't mind and she was respectful, she brought sandwiches which helped my exhausted DH and it was a nice moment for her and helped our relationship as we had DD to focus on.

It's entirely up to you. If I was working in the maternity unit and my daughter didn't want me to see her I'd find that very hurtful and embarrassing with other staff possibly asking me about it but that would be purely a selfish view point. You have to do what's best for you and your husband.

I think what the OP's mum's colleagues think is of even less importance than what the OP's mum wants, tbh.

The only thing that is going to harm the OP's relationship with her mum is her mum not respecting her reasonable boundaries. Saying she wants a few hours as a family of three before having visitors is an entirely reasonable boundary.

I read a surgery consent form recently bc I’m due to have an op. There’s a box for “anything else” before you sign. Write in that only you and DP to be present, no visitors to baby or you until xxxx. Whatever you think is appropriate wording.

Good luck with the birth and enjoy your beautiful baby.

And OP hasnt said she wont ever see the baby just give them the afternoon alone first

Its not mean or unreasonable
If her mother holds it against her, she is a nasty piece of work

Her mother needs to ask herself if she would respect this wish from her patient, then why is she not affording her daughter that same respect?
She has to take her feelies out of it and put on her midwife hat - respect the birthing womans wishes