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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

284 replies

Eminemmilkshake · 10/04/2024 19:20

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

OP posts:
Polly345 · 10/04/2024 19:22

Definitely, my MIL often quoted this. She made no secret of the fact she thought i had taken her boy!

YouwouldthinkIhavemoresense · 10/04/2024 19:22

It is bullshit. Both boys and girls can have good or bad relationships with their parents .
We are all different and no two families are the same.

Ignore. It’s tripe.

Tatas · 10/04/2024 19:25

It's something said by people who raise sons who don't know how to manage their own lives / relationships themselves to maintain a proper relationship with their family in my experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

OffToBedforshire · 10/04/2024 19:26

Sexist bullshit

QueenOfHiraeth · 10/04/2024 19:27

Close relationships take consideration and effort on both sides so not determined solely by sex. Maybe males are likely to make less effort but that's not always the case

Dentistlakes · 10/04/2024 19:28

It’s a load of crap. Children will stay close with their parents if they maintain a fair and respectful relationship. If not, they won’t bother to maintain much of a connection.

ssd · 10/04/2024 19:28

Bloody hope not, i have boys..

Screamingabdabz · 10/04/2024 19:31

It’s not meant to be an accurate statement of what happens in 100% of everyone’s lives - it’s an old saying that, like a lot of old sayings, has a nugget of truth.

I’m in my 50s and over the years I’ve found it to be ‘broadly’ true of many, many families who had sons and daughters. Even if you take the content here on MN as a rough rule of thumb, surely the level of MIL hatred, and favouring of DMs over MILs, tells you something?

fieldsofbutterflies · 10/04/2024 19:34

It's absolute bullshit.

TakeOnFlea · 10/04/2024 19:35

Load of shite

Echobelly · 10/04/2024 19:35

YANBU - I'd never even heard it until a few years ago, on MN. There's so many layers of misogyny, infantilisation etc going on. And it's just bollocks.

Emptyheadlock · 10/04/2024 19:36

Bullshit.

When I married dh, I gained a bloody fabulous mil who we involve in everything.

She didn't lose a son, she gained me.

5128gap · 10/04/2024 19:36

I think there's some truth in it for some people, possibly for more people than not. You only have to see the threads about MiLs on here to see there's a strong expectation that a man's mother should 'know her place' in his life, which never seems to be an expectation for a woman's mother.
A daughter can be as close to her mum as she chooses, include her in the most private parts of her life, confide in her, go on holiday with her instead of with her partner, see her every day, prioritise caring for her in her old age over her partners wishes, and that's seen as 'a lovely close relationship'. If your son tried to do even half of that, the cries of mummy's boy, unhealthy attachment, controlling mother would echo round the block.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 10/04/2024 19:36

I think it’s rubbish. We spend just as much time with DH’s parents as we do mine, and mine live a lot closer. Sometimes it can be the other way round as well. My dad was very close to his mum until she died, far more than he was with his dad. He keeps going on about how my son will always love me the most and we’ll have the best bond. I think he’s projecting a bit but never mind.

Sunshine187 · 10/04/2024 19:37

I'd say it's broadly true in my family. My husband and my sister's husband make very little effort to make plans with their families whereas my sister and I regularly see my mum and dad and wider family. Sad. Seems to come down to laziness or lack of interest really. I could make plans with my husband's family for us all (and I do occasionally) but then I think why should I as they're my husband's family first and plans should really come from him.

TreesAndSandAndWaves · 10/04/2024 19:39

I don’t find it true from personal experience, however I would say it was anecdotally true from MN.

Everyone seems to hate their MIL, complain if their DH spends time with his mother, and particularly with young children it often seems to be said how “naturally” the MIL will be excluded because the new-mum’s mum will be looking after her daughter, whereas the MIL is “not really so close”.

DepartureLounge · 10/04/2024 19:40

For various social and cultural reasons that tbf are changing, albeit very slowly, I think it's fair to say that men (in general) find it easier than women (in general) to distance themselves from the obligations of caring for elderly parents that are the implicit focus of this statement. I think there are plenty of threads on here that make that pretty clear. It would be nice to think it's outmoded sexist bollocks, but reality doesn't altogether reflect that imo.

TreesAndSandAndWaves · 10/04/2024 19:41

5128gap · 10/04/2024 19:36

I think there's some truth in it for some people, possibly for more people than not. You only have to see the threads about MiLs on here to see there's a strong expectation that a man's mother should 'know her place' in his life, which never seems to be an expectation for a woman's mother.
A daughter can be as close to her mum as she chooses, include her in the most private parts of her life, confide in her, go on holiday with her instead of with her partner, see her every day, prioritise caring for her in her old age over her partners wishes, and that's seen as 'a lovely close relationship'. If your son tried to do even half of that, the cries of mummy's boy, unhealthy attachment, controlling mother would echo round the block.

Yes, this. You said it far better than I did.

Iwonderwhere · 10/04/2024 19:41

Unpopular view but I think like a lot of sayings while it isn’t true all the time there’s some truth in it.

I think a lot of more intelligent mammals have a similar theme actually with the females staying in the herd or whatever while the males leave.

PickleJelly · 10/04/2024 19:43

This isn't true for me. I have a fantastic relationship with my ILs. We moved to live 5 mins from them and see them at least once a week. I spent the day shopping with MIL today, I absolutely adore her. As someone said above, they didn't lose a son, they gained a daughter.

Tandora · 10/04/2024 19:46

It’s a generalisation. But in my experience there is a very strong and definite pattern whereby sons take less interest/ pay less attention to their parents as adults , and certainly take on less of a caring role for their parents as they age, than daughters do. Also it’s generally easier for the maternal grandmother to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives- just look at all the MIL threads on this site!!! It’s not a nice truth but it’s unfortunately a thing.

DryIce · 10/04/2024 19:49

I think it became a saying because it traditionally had had truth in it. But I don't believe the factors are inherent but societal. Women traditionally took care of the family/home, which extends to maintaining relationships. Men were brought up to be more external facing. Is it any wonder women were closer?

As women gain more equality (or, perhaps, as men gain equality in the family/home arena) it will become less true.

tracktrail · 10/04/2024 19:56

5128gap · 10/04/2024 19:36

I think there's some truth in it for some people, possibly for more people than not. You only have to see the threads about MiLs on here to see there's a strong expectation that a man's mother should 'know her place' in his life, which never seems to be an expectation for a woman's mother.
A daughter can be as close to her mum as she chooses, include her in the most private parts of her life, confide in her, go on holiday with her instead of with her partner, see her every day, prioritise caring for her in her old age over her partners wishes, and that's seen as 'a lovely close relationship'. If your son tried to do even half of that, the cries of mummy's boy, unhealthy attachment, controlling mother would echo round the block.

This!
If they separate, children invariably end up seeing far more of maternal GPs, and fathers' parents often get shunned as they get the 'blame' for their sons' perceived or actual behaviours.

WappityWabbit · 10/04/2024 19:58

Definitely true in my case. 🙁

Scottishskifun · 10/04/2024 20:01

My MIL spouted this once at me.....my quick witted DH responded with is that so....and how is Claire (not real name) getting on.....DHs sister who sees MIL twice a year due to MIL behaviour and antics. MIL blustered and hasn't repeated it since! I definitely love how quick he can be! 😂

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