A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

[Eminemmilkshake]

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

Yuck.

I don't think the bit about finding a wide is true.

But definitely most if my female friends are closer to their parents than their husbands are to theirs. My husband speaks to his mum once a week - I speak to mine most days. His brothers are the same as him, their wives the same as me.

My friends with young adult sons don't get much info about their lives, while my friends with daughters seem to know everything going on in their lives.

But it says more about communication than relationships per se, but there is definitely a bit of truth to it

It's sexist and old fashioned but sadly quite often true ime. Probably because a lot of men are quite lazy about their relationships, so visits home, phone calls, present buying etc fall by the wayside.

rubbish - I went no contact with my mother, my sister was low contact with her for long periods.
My brother hung on to her apron strings for ever as long as she kept funding him

Yeah it’s sexist. It also applies to every couple I know well, which admittedly is not many but still.

Future DIL quoted this with a smug glance at me!!!

It's utter crap lol, I make sure my DH sees his mum way more now he's with me than he used to! They have a really good bond now he just didn't really think to build upon it before.

Christ hope your son pulled her up on it! Horrible thing to say

It's a load of rubbish! May apply in some families but bears no resemblance to what I see around me.

I hate this saying, too. It's certainly not true in our house. My DH speaks to his DM every week, at least, as a matter of routine. She lives much further from us than she does her daughter, yet we see her more often. I also moved away from home much earlier than my brother who lives 15 minutes from my mum, and sees her several times a week. Admittedly both of them are fairly independent. But I think in mine and SIL's cases, we had a complicated and sometimes fraught relationship with our mother's that has certainly got easier as we got older but has meant weirdly that neither of us have one of those ' my mother is my best friend, I ring her every day' type relationships. ( we didn't even meet until we were in our late 20's it's just coincidence, I suppose, or more common than people like to think) Really, even apart from that, it's exceptionally rude to mothers of boys. What is to be gained by it? It's a stupid saying that isn't even true. A son is still a son, even if he marries someone else, as is a daughter.

It's just because most men outsource their family social commitments to a woman.

You'll find that people complain about this even if the dh is actually seeing his parents a lot more than when he was single. Even if they've emigrated or live further than the wife's mother, whatever.

As default female any forgotten birthdays, messy houses, not ideal time to visit etc are automatically your fault. Even if your husband spent the time before you travelling, or non contact, moved away, it'll somehow be your fault you don't want to make a sixteen hour journey with a newborn or use your precious post natal recovery time to make them cups of tea.

And even the progressive, 50/50 men fall into this habit 9/10 in my opinion.
At least the misogynistic ones are honest about it and brand it wifework. Better than being gaslit why he is not close with his parents or can't take on elderly care is your fault despite his priorities and geographic decisions in the past.

My MIL quoted this at me when I was annoyed by how often they were coming over (often daily). I don’t like people in my space and really struggle to cope with it.

that said, my MIL and FIL are genuinely lovely people who have been nothing but helpful, but lord do i find it a challenge when they’re everywhere. They’ve gotten much better (or I’ve grown more used to it?), but it baffles me that my wife speaks to her mum nightly on the phone- even if she’s spent the day with her. My mum now lives with us, but prior to her accident I would go weeks if not months between contact. DW would generally call her for a chat a few times/week. Baffles me.

i suppose in my case it was true- until I left home and got married, I was my mothers son. Then I was gone- although to be fair we were never very close in the first place. In my wife’s case, she has remained very close and tied to both her parents and mine.

Yes it definitely a common thing on MN.

I think there is some truth in it, but if I'm honest I think to a point it's how it should be.

I would expect and want my sons to put their wives first for the majority of the time. Just don't exclude me completely please.

A friend of mine who's from India told me the opposite is the case there: girls marry out, boys stay with their birth families.

Until they get married and have kids and then they take them around to have granny look after them. I think that’s the next line.

big stereotype, not accurate in our family!

Load of old rubbish. It's ridiculous how some people quote daft old sayings as though they're profound sources of truth.

Well, that says it all.

He sees his mum because you make sure he does. You had to encourage him to build on his bond.

IME it is true a lot of the time. A lot of men I know are happy to let the women organise things and if the wife doesn't make an effort to include the ILs, the men can soon stop putting the effort in.

It shouldn't happen and of course there are always going to be exceptions, but largely, it is true.

Exactly this. We live 10min walk from ILs and see them every week. I go for coffee/lunch with MIL at least once/fortnight (on mat leave) - this is more often than I see my mum in person (speak to her most days).
We lived with them for months when we gutted our house.

I'd say the tone is set by DH and MIL. I'm treated like a daughter and we actually enjoy each others company. My daughters love my mil and she them.

Reading some of the threads maybe we are the exception. Either way I am fortunate for the family I married into.

It's rubbish. I have a great relationship with my adult DSs and their wives/ girlfriend.

😡😡😡
How did you react?

All the people saying ‘bullshit’ and ‘rubbish’ are clearly blind to all the DILs who post on MN fuming and moaning that their DH’s mother has had the temerity to knock on the door, or buy a present for the grandchild without asking, or feed them tea with a spoon of sugar (oh the fucking horror) - it goes on and on.

It should actually be.. “A son is a son until he marries some controlling woman who hates her husband’s mother and always resents everything she does. The poor mother, who has put her life and soul into bringing that lad up suddenly can’t do right for doing wrong (and will never know why because the DIL never says anything to her face. It’s always passive aggressive pouts and strained coded conversations or texts from the afore mentioned son.) The son, who has to live with the controlling wife thinks it’s just not worth the hassle inviting his parents round or asking them to babysit anymore so just doesn’t bother… Meanwhile, daughters never seem to bring that level of shit and heartbreak to the door.”

My mother openly said that my sister and I were disappointing and "sons would have been more loving".

It’s silly to say this is ‘rubbish’ or a ‘load of crap’! Clearly it has its origins in truth.

It is sexist- of course it is! But our society is sexist and was even more sexist when this saying originated.

It shouldn’t be the case that men stop bothering about their parents when they get married… but it has historically been the case much more than it has for women. Be honest; when you see elderly people being cared for by their adult children, is it generally the sons or the daughters doing the caring?

I don't think its meant to be taken literally, as in you lose your son altogether, more a comment on the difference in relationships with your sons when they marry compared to with your daughters. I'm surprised that so many people think there's absolutely no truth in it at all. Even if it doesn't resonate in your own family, do people really know as many married men who go on holiday alone with their mums as they do women? Who meet their mums alone on a weekly basis for lunch or an activity together? As many sons who are the carers for their elderly parents as daughters? Any sons who describe their mum as their best friend, as women often do theirs? Sons who go round to confide in their mum, asking her advice about their children, home decor, relationship, and who aren't judged for it?