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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

284 replies

Eminemmilkshake · 10/04/2024 19:20

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 10/04/2024 20:42

My MIL said this a lot. Guess it’s easier to justify not having a great relationship with her son as being all my fault rather than acknowledging that she is pretty difficult and DH has struggled with her behaviour since he was about 14.

Itsokish · 10/04/2024 20:44

5128gap · 10/04/2024 19:36

I think there's some truth in it for some people, possibly for more people than not. You only have to see the threads about MiLs on here to see there's a strong expectation that a man's mother should 'know her place' in his life, which never seems to be an expectation for a woman's mother.
A daughter can be as close to her mum as she chooses, include her in the most private parts of her life, confide in her, go on holiday with her instead of with her partner, see her every day, prioritise caring for her in her old age over her partners wishes, and that's seen as 'a lovely close relationship'. If your son tried to do even half of that, the cries of mummy's boy, unhealthy attachment, controlling mother would echo round the block.

This and I am not a MIL but I find the threads bitching about MILs quite alarming TBH ! I have a great relationship with my sons and get on brilliantly with any girlfriends they have..hope it continues!

Twokittycats · 10/04/2024 20:45

I do think there is some truth to it 🙈
Thinking about people I know, the women see more of their mothers, they chat to them more often on the phone and have more plans with them. Men seem less interested in seeing their parents imo. I think mothers and daughters become more like close friends when the daughter grows up but sons perhaps don’t have as much in common with their mums.

Churchview · 10/04/2024 20:45

It's the sort of bullshit used by families to control people. See also "Blood is thicker than water".

Lesina · 10/04/2024 20:46

I’m not close to either of them. Have no interest in having a relationship with my MIL, my husband is very close to her. I have no interest in a relationship with my mother. It works well. Highly recommend it.

Zanatdy · 10/04/2024 20:47

My eldest son is 30 and he will always be in my life but he will never have a wife, maybe a husband one day! I think it’s true to a certain extent as girls tend to do more for families but certainly not guaranteed to be like that. Many sons are close to their mums

BobbyBiscuits · 10/04/2024 20:47

I've not heard that direct saying, it sounds cringe!
I guess my mum always says she's glad she has a daughter, as if she had a 'mummys boy' son no women would respect him. Haha. I am not so sure but who knows?
My dad died when I was a child.
I think it's more natural for girls and boys to be closer to parent of the same gender, if all else is equal. But as long as your kid is supportive that's the most important thing.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:49

Oh shut up!
My aunt had 3 boys.
All married.
All call her. All visit her. One calls her every day.

KitchenSinkLlama · 10/04/2024 20:49

I've said it before on here that rhyming so called 'aphorisms' are utter nonsense.

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:50

Screamingabdabz · 10/04/2024 20:39

All the people saying ‘bullshit’ and ‘rubbish’ are clearly blind to all the DILs who post on MN fuming and moaning that their DH’s mother has had the temerity to knock on the door, or buy a present for the grandchild without asking, or feed them tea with a spoon of sugar (oh the fucking horror) - it goes on and on.

It should actually be.. “A son is a son until he marries some controlling woman who hates her husband’s mother and always resents everything she does. The poor mother, who has put her life and soul into bringing that lad up suddenly can’t do right for doing wrong (and will never know why because the DIL never says anything to her face. It’s always passive aggressive pouts and strained coded conversations or texts from the afore mentioned son.) The son, who has to live with the controlling wife thinks it’s just not worth the hassle inviting his parents round or asking them to babysit anymore so just doesn’t bother… Meanwhile, daughters never seem to bring that level of shit and heartbreak to the door.”

There is nothing a man can do that cannot be blamed on a woman…

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:51

My MIL has a very dominant personality. But, she has always been full of admiration for me and calls me her daughter.
She's been the most doting grandmother too.
I am happy to spend time with her. To holiday with her. To call her and chat.

feileacan · 10/04/2024 20:52

I do notice that when parents are elderly- over 85 and need hands on care, if a family member steps up its usually a daughter/daughters. Sons might be involved but the daughter takes the lead role. Have seen this in quite a few families.
There was a chilling statistic on mumsnet a while back that men are far more likely to leave a woman if she got cancer than vice versa. Not sure how true that is....

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:52

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:49

Oh shut up!
My aunt had 3 boys.
All married.
All call her. All visit her. One calls her every day.

Well, that’s that then! All the blindingly obvious evidence that we see around us every day of daughters supporting and looking after their elderly parents while the sons quietly carry on living their own lives with impunity has been blown out of the water!

Sweetheart7 · 10/04/2024 20:52

Maybe the word "take" is getting peoples back up. There's no denying that in adulthood most men won't want to walk round the shops with their mum. Yeah they may go for dinner and a coffee just not like you would with a daughter.

I think people are taking this too literal. I'm saying this as a mum of one to a 9 year old DS too.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:53

Maybe the unhappy people just post more?

gannett · 10/04/2024 20:54

Iwonderwhere · 10/04/2024 19:41

Unpopular view but I think like a lot of sayings while it isn’t true all the time there’s some truth in it.

I think a lot of more intelligent mammals have a similar theme actually with the females staying in the herd or whatever while the males leave.

Other way round.

Like a lot of "old-fashioned sayings", what underpins it isn't logic or reality but a bunch of sexist and normative assumptions. It happens to be true in some cases and people who prize conformity extrapolate it as a general rule.

I had never heard it before MN.

The other week I was having dinner with friends and five of us (four women and one man) were bonding over out difficult-to-non-existent relationships with our mothers. The only person at the table with a healthy relationship with his mum was a man.

Mum2jenny · 10/04/2024 20:54

I think there may be truth in this as my dd is very much wanting/ needing support whilst my ds is a bit more independent

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:54

I'd hardly start a thread proclaiming how marvellous all the sons in my family are and how wonderful the elder ladies are too. We are just getting on with life.

Bouledeneige · 10/04/2024 20:55

True with my DC - but he didn't have to get married.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:56

@gannett now I come to think of it a lot of my female friends have very difficult relationships with their mothers. I really can't relate to them.

UncomfortablyBig882 · 10/04/2024 20:56

I think it's broadly true BUT it sort of blames the woman for yet another failing of men and absolves men of any wider family responsibilities.

Access to the family somehow has to go through a vagina like it's some kind of portal for my in laws🙄

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:57

gannett · 10/04/2024 20:54

Other way round.

Like a lot of "old-fashioned sayings", what underpins it isn't logic or reality but a bunch of sexist and normative assumptions. It happens to be true in some cases and people who prize conformity extrapolate it as a general rule.

I had never heard it before MN.

The other week I was having dinner with friends and five of us (four women and one man) were bonding over out difficult-to-non-existent relationships with our mothers. The only person at the table with a healthy relationship with his mum was a man.

Show quote history

If you’d literally never heard this saying before MN, I’m sorry, but you’re either very young or you live under a rock! It’s hard to take your argument seriously for that reason (and also for the reason that sexist tropes did underpin behaviour for eons and are now only partially dismantled).

Greenfinch7 · 10/04/2024 20:58

There is truth in it, in my experience, though I know some exceptions for sure!

labamba007 · 10/04/2024 21:00

Unpopular opinion but sometimes a self-fulfilling-prophecy. My husband's mum has said that phrase to him all his life and she much favoured his sister. So naturally he pulled away. And she still keeps on saying that phrase.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/04/2024 21:00

Absolute sexist crap.