A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

[Eminemmilkshake]

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

I’d like to see a source for that statistic, please. Did someone randomly survey seriously ill women every few weeks to see if their husbands had left yet?!

When we moved next door to our neighbours who have adult son and a daughter, both children lived at home with their respective partners which we thought unusual. The daughter we rarely see now she has a home of her own, but the son is here half of the week - I honestly wonder why they bothered to move out. (I am not a curtain twitcher, and I couldn’t care less how much time they spend together, but I know when the son is home because he brings their dog, which they leave it to bark in the parents’ garden for hours and hours on end, two evenings a week and all Sunday afternoon, whilst they all sit inside and talk about Christ knows what, which drives us up the wall. Plus, collectively, they are LOUD.)

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/

That makes a lot of sense.

The wife will default to asking her husband any questions she would have previously asked her father or asking for help unless the husband isn’t available or dad is extra knowledgeable in that area.

The wife will still ask her mum as always and the relationship stays unchanged.

So the husband rightly asks his wife all the stuff he may of gone to his mother for previously and his relationship with his dad is unchanged.

My dad doesn’t feel snubbed over being replaced as such it’s just how it goes. He just hopes I picked a good one and he looks after me as such.

Mils noses often feel pushed out when the babies appear as most parenting still defaults to the mother and as such she defaults to her mother for advice and help and a comforting person the dad his fine off to work doesn’t need support from his mother so she feels sidelined and blames it on the dil.

I always say on those threads mils can’t expect to have a once a month relationship with their dils and then suddenly expect a popping around for tea every other day when she’s on maternity leave as that relationship didn’t exist. The relationship still goes via the son but his at work so baby visits will be evening/weekend when he wants basically.

I think it's true for a lot of families. Unfortunately we live in a patriarchal society and therefore childcare and organisation is often left to the wife. And people tend to gravitate towards and be more comfortable with their own families. When I struggled with my first child I naturally went to my own mum, I organise parties and meet ups for my own families birthdays etc but wouldn't feel it was my place to do that for my inlaws, if I'm being a bit cheeky and asking for baby sitting so I can have a night off I'm more comfortable asking my own family etc. The end result is that naturally we end up spending more time with my family and my husband tags along to all of that and so we're just closer to my side. I get on well with my MIL because she's very laid back and now she's on her own we do bring her to my family events more so she isn't alone but prior to that it was more of an our family and their family situation and my husband was part of our family more than theirs if that makes sense.

We also, like many families, moved closer to my family when starting a family because I felt that I needed the support through pregnancy and the early days and wanted my Mum for that. My husband didn't mind either way where we lived.

I hate this saying too! I have boys and I hope we do remain close. That said I think a lot of it comes down to the family and communication rather than the sex of your children. I had a really difficult relationship with my mum as a teen / young adult and now we get on but definitely don’t have that “best friend / talk everyday “ type of relationship. My husband speaks to his mum way more than I do to mine. I also made a huge effort with MIL as I saw ILs as gaining more family, and did things like invite her to my wedding dress shopping as she has 2 sons and I wanted her to be included. Sadly when SIL came along MIL decided she much preferred her and now we don’t see each other much but it’s nothing to do with her having sons - just being an annoying person!

That doesn’t say that over eighty percent of men leave their wives or partners in the few months after the women are diagnosed with a serious illness.

Dh is much, much closer with his family than I am to mine. His dad has always done a huge amount of care for his granny and is very close with her. They've all been raised with the value that family is important and they look out for one another and generally have fun and enjoy each others company. The men in the family champion the women and all the sons are called out if they don't do enough to visit or call etc. My mum is difficult and creates strain in all my family relationships and is the main reason why I don't live near them although I do try to maintain some relationship with her for the sake of my dad and sister. A lot is based on how you're raised I think.

I'd also say that we see so many threads on here about MILs overstepping and making things difficult for their DIL - if someone is doing that it's naturally going to create a rift with their son to some extent. I know some people have said that's unfair because it's different to the relationship a woman and her mother might have but it's also sometimes the case where mils are being unfair or tactless or awkward. I feel very lucky that mine is so supportive and I feel she's always given me space to figure out my parenting without giving unsolicited advice or judgement and that's actually made it so much easier for me to go to her for advice. I think often dils can feel a lot of pressure to live up to mil expectations and maybe that's part of why mils can be more easily seen as critical? Definitely not true in my case and I hope ds enjoys time with me when he's older and I can continue to be a support and a safe place in his life.

Yes some people are just generally difficult. We are no contact with mil BUT so is her own daughter. So it’s clearly a problem with MIL and not linked into son or daughter dynamics. I definitely find when I meet people with really awful MILs, those MILs also have issues with their daughters. I also know women no contact with their own mums.

I also disagree that the maternal grandmother will ALWAYS trump the paternal one. I think there are other factors that come into it. My paternal grandma was a lot younger than my maternal one, lived a lot closer to us and helped out a lot with childcare etc. I loved my maternal grandparents but definitely have more closeness and memories with my paternal nan.