A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

[Eminemmilkshake]

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

It's bollocks. I know loads of men who are devoted to their parents. In my family my dsis is NC with my parents and Dbro who still lives with them when on leave from his job. I think they might have preferred he distance himself more!!. I (another daughter) moved away but phone regularly.

My brother hates my mum and me after he met his wife. So sad and I've tried to build bridges.

It’s shite but the only smidgeon of truth is that sometimes it is still the daughter who will do a lot of caring responsibilities for aged parents.

PIL say this sort of thing. Everytime I say no to seeing PIL (for valid reasons and always happy for DH to go alone) I get "oh but you see your parents so much more than mine". One evening I was so pissed off at this statement I sat down and calculated the days we had seen each set in the last year and we'd seen PIL twice as much.

Despite the fact that pre us living together they saw DH about twice a year.

I think there's an expectation on women to maintain family relations that just isn't placed on men and I also think there's an element of confirmation bias. Blame is placed on women when relationships don't go to plan despite the fact there is an adult son. It's just a misogynistic statement on so many levels

I agree with your sentiment on the daft saying, but what does your husband do to disprove it?

My mum's friends used to say that to her about my brother. She'd respond "who the fuck would take him?"

Anyway he found a wife 20 years ago and moved out of our city 6 years ago. He still calls to my ma's 3-7 times a week.

It's a cruel lie, designed to give mothers of boys hope. It isn't reality. They never leave you alone.😱

There sure are some twits about, aren't there?

In my DH case - a son is pushed out once he finds a wife!
My MIL treats him (and our children) so differently to his sisters (and their children) and as a mum to both a DS and a DD it really blows my mind.

True in what I’ve seen.

Also with BIL and SIL. BiL moved out of PIL at 18 and went very low contact. Met SIL about 5 years later.

PIl have made it very clear that they feel SIL is taking BILs money, have made blatant disparaging comments in front of her, and fully blame her for their soured relationship with their son. He was basically no contact for years prior to even meeting her!

All responsibility is placed on SIL, and tbh even if she was responsible it's still the man's choice to marry a women who hates his parents

I think it's a load of bullshit!

My mil is like this and always making passive aggressive remarks about how she’s hard done by, neglected and forgotten or used for childcare.

The sad truth is she’s a controlling narc and both her male and female adult children grey rock her because of it. Nothing to do with them being ‘stolen’. But because she can do no wrong, it’s easier for her to blame her offspring and make herself the victim.

Why is she used for childcare?

It's funny how many people take this saying as a criticism of women. ie ''The wife'' in the saying.

I've never seen it like that. I take the saying as a critique of how many men tend to swap the main woman in their life from their mother to their girlfriend/wife and get forgetful or lax about keeping in contact with their parents.

I've seen it in both my marriages. Crap at keeping in touch with their families once moved out.

I don't take the saying as a criticism of me - i've never done anything to block relationships with their parents/siblings. I don't get on particularly well with my own mother but that's a different kettle of fish.

I don't fall over myself to push him into being the good son, it's not my job. I do sometimes remind DH to call his mother and i do remind him about birthdays if i think of it before he does. But apart from that his relationship with his parents is his own affair.

This, there’s a nugget of truth. Once you control for all else being absolutely equal in the relationships, if you look around most people observe mums are a little closer to their daughters. There is more empathy for experiences like childbirth which are pretty formative. My mil is lovely, but when I had my first baby she was bowled over by her son’s beautiful child, while my mum was washing dishes, worrying I was resting enough, and chopping my steak so I could eat one handed. That’s not an unusual experience. Of course there are many exceptions and families play out in all different ways.

Ah but it is not a lie though is it? I think that is why so many people are calling bullshit, because deep down they know there is a very strong element of truth in the saying and it has hit a nerve with a lot of mumsnetters.

this makes me really sad.I have 2 boys and am so close to them.

Just have to hope they chose decent partners!

Just horrible sexism tbh

Yes quite @Confusionn

They will realise this eventually

Here we are though - why are you already blaming it on their partners if the son is rubbish at keeping his family in the loop?

It's got nothing to do with the blooming partners ! Unless they're going to actually lock the bloke in the spare room!

Both in my life and on here I see so many examples of daughters looking after their elderly parents while their brothers aren't pulling their weight.

There might be something to the expression.

I mean, I do think there’s some truth in this statement - but I take the point of view that it means as my son grows up and finds his life partner, I will take a step back not be one of these dreadful mils who still assumes they are the most important woman in their sons life!
Of course I know you can’t plan these things, but I really hope to be a supportive mil to his partner, be objective and neutral if they have disagreements, and not be someone who thinks no one will ever be good enough for their little Prince.
It’s weird if clingy mils are using this statement, as if it’s true then logically it means they should butt out!

My DD’s partners mother was constantly using that saying. After Uni DD and her partner moved 400 miles away, DH and I were so chuffed they’d found jobs that they loved and were living an amazing life. We missed her like mad, but had raised an independent adult was how we looked at it. His mother didn’t see it the same way, she was distraught, calling them crying 3/4 times a day, demanding to stay weekends/full weeks, accusing DD of “stealing her son”. It was embarrassing tbh.

My MIL is a legend, I love her to bits and she lives with us, she has 4 sons, one travels monthly to see her, 2 see her daily, the other one lives in America and FaceTimes 2/3 times a week. All 4 partners of her sons love her dearly.

I think it's broadly true that men are less interested in making social commitments with family, the same way men are often crap at buying presents - because they simply can't be arsed. Broadly speaking women are more conscientious in both respects, but wives are bound to prioritise their own family rather than their in-laws and all too often the husbands just let it happen.

I think it depends on each relationship. Maybe some of it depends on how MIL's approach their son's marriage and on whether their DIL's own life approach complements theirs well?

My MIL would say it's true, but that's happened mostly because of her expectations and inability to accept that they may have their own way of doing things. She wanted a DIL who would assimilate into her family and meet her dreams, not someone who was starting their own unit and had their own dreams that might be different to hers.

I have a son in law and I suspect I am closer to him than he is to his own mother in terms of active relationship, largely due to my close relationship with my daughter.

I don't have any DILs but I don't feel I will have any issues. I don't interfere and don't want to. Only time will tell though. I can't imagine my sons ever not at least sending me the odd message.

Agree