ExH child bride

SorryNotSorryL · 2024-04-10T12:40:02+00:00

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate. he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty. anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend. DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc. it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend. I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child) what do you think??? being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it. not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 10/04/2024 13:44

I can completely understand your reservations but look at it this way: she’s kind to your daughter, treats her well and your daughter likes her. It’s far better than the alternative, having your daughter around someone who is unkind or uninterested?

Caroparo52 · 10/04/2024 13:46

Keep quiet and just be there to pick up the inevitable pieces
Dd will no doubt see what a prick disappointment df is. Hopefully his gf will work it out quickly too.

takealettermsjones · 10/04/2024 13:47

Overdramatic title. You can't do anything, she's an adult.

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 13:47

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 10/04/2024 13:44

I can completely understand your reservations but look at it this way: she’s kind to your daughter, treats her well and your daughter likes her. It’s far better than the alternative, having your daughter around someone who is unkind or uninterested?

Which is generally why I’ve stayed out before- but I think it’s inappropriate the things she’s asked DD in terms of involvement in the relationship- like her approval for them to move in together the first time she’s met DD?

im worried DD will be brutally disappointed if and when it all falls apart if she is dragged into the new GF’s grand love story.

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liveforsummer · 10/04/2024 13:49

I understand why you don't like it but it's not a reason to stop dd seeing her dad, she's just one on a long line so nothing new for your dd and I doubt your dd is in any danger. Sounds like she's at least being kind and trying to bond rather than drive a wedge which is at least one thing

coldcallerbaiter · 10/04/2024 13:50

19 and 38 gross. Be surprised if it lasts. Her parents will be concerned too.

Nagado · 10/04/2024 13:51

You’re not being unreasonable to be horrified; he is creepy dating someone so much younger. But she’s being nice to your DD and seems to want to involve her more than her father does. Perhaps you could view it as a slightly warped big sister relationship rather than thinking about it as a step parent scenario.

And it’s not going to last. We all know that. Perhaps that will be the catalyst that helps her see her father for the absolute failure that he is?

DrJoanAllenby · 10/04/2024 13:51

Your daughter is 12 and old enough to understand that the relationship with this woman and her dad may not last.

She probably enjoys spending time with someone young and trendy rather than her mum and dad who are 'old' in her eyes.

The woman is making a decent effort to be friendly with your daughter.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2024 13:51

Utterly grim but there's not a lot you can do...

x2boys · 10/04/2024 13:54

Well she's not a child bride she's 19 so an adult
Yeah I can,t imagine what they might have in common but it's not illegal
If you stop her from seeing him she might become resentful of you is that what you want?

Bonbon21 · 10/04/2024 13:54

Keep it casual... she probably wont last any longer than the previous ones.. but at least she is nice to your daughter... and your daughter is learning life lessons... and in time, that her father is a twat.. the scales always fall in the end...

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 13:57

x2boys · 10/04/2024 13:54

Well she's not a child bride she's 19 so an adult
Yeah I can,t imagine what they might have in common but it's not illegal
If you stop her from seeing him she might become resentful of you is that what you want?

Maybe not but to someone my age she looks startlingly child like, sat in the back seat of the car with my DD 😂

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Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 13:57

He's clearly a creep but not much you can do. By the sounds of it your DD will be pretty used to GFs coming and going. At least she's being nice to her and that's all you can hope for. I feel sorry for this poor girl actually.

SabertoothKwazi · 10/04/2024 13:59

In 6 or 7 years your daughter will be equally horrified.

Ozanj · 10/04/2024 14:01

He’s obvs a loser but if she’s nice to your DD I’d leave it. Younger step parents are often nicer to be around for kids specifically because they aren’t disillusioned by step-parenting.

jengachampion · 10/04/2024 14:01

What the actual fuck. He’s dating a 19 year old and introduced her to his daughter? I don’t know what you can do about it but he’s a creep and that is all sorts of wrong.

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 14:02

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 13:57

He's clearly a creep but not much you can do. By the sounds of it your DD will be pretty used to GFs coming and going. At least she's being nice to her and that's all you can hope for. I feel sorry for this poor girl actually.

i really feel sorry for her too, unfortunately I remember all too well the naivety of being 19, which is all well and good when you are falling in and out of love with just as naive people. ExH has been around the block more than once and it’s pretty crummy knowing what this girl is in for- it gives me the massive ick that this is part of the relationship modelling my daughter is getting

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Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2024 14:08

Christ! I can see why you’re horrified, but not much you can do.

She is trying her best with your daughter, who had a lovely time, and I hope that continues. You also can’t stop her seeing her dad, as technically he is just dating another adult 🫣.

Just be there to support your daughter as needed.

TayIor · 10/04/2024 14:10

YABU for the misleading title. 19 is not a child. However he's vile for such an age gap and I'd be intrigued to see his Internet history, oh and I'd call it a day on letting my child be with them. If he's had multiple girlfriends all within a short time that he's introducing your child to he is going to mess with her head.

OfficerChurlish · 10/04/2024 14:11

She's neither a child nor a bride. But the likelihood of this kind of relationship working out is slim - it's not just the large age gap, which could be manageable in some cases, but the fact that they will be at completely different life stages and as you said she's almost certainly much less experienced in relationships. The thing is, though, unless there's a case to be made for abuse or neglect, it's up to him who he introduces her to during the time he has her. You've just got to hope that whatever qualities he had that made him seem like he'd be a good partner and father are still in there somewhere and he won't let her come to any real harm. If you can express concerns to him that's great, but I'd focus on the really big things that are actually causing your daughter distress or confusion (if there are any).

I know it's tangential to your post, but why is he only seeing her one day a month? That's about 3% of her life and care, while you're responsible for 97%. he's just as much her parent as you are. Even if he's paying ample support, and I hope he is, he should be contributing a lot more attention, care, and time.

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 14:11

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 14:02

i really feel sorry for her too, unfortunately I remember all too well the naivety of being 19, which is all well and good when you are falling in and out of love with just as naive people. ExH has been around the block more than once and it’s pretty crummy knowing what this girl is in for- it gives me the massive ick that this is part of the relationship modelling my daughter is getting

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Hopefully she sees sense soon and I imagine it wouldn't last long once the novelty of playing houses and mums and dads wears off.

My DSDs mum is a horror show of a woman and of course we worry about the example she is setting for her DD. All we can do is model good relationships and hope that she sees that her mum's lifestyle isn't ideal.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 10/04/2024 14:15

Utterly creepy and grim. However in the eyes of the law she isn't a child but an adult and as such there is little that you can do. Ex's family and friends may also feel the same as you.

He sounds a crap parent as he only wants to see his child once per month so his influence with DD is minimal. When DD becomes a teenage contact may dwindle to even less. The new girlfriend is a hopefully short lived fixture (for her own sake) but if she is around long term it is good that she seems kind and welcoming to your DD.

I am sure as your DD gets older particularly in 7 years when she is the same age as his girlfriend she will be repulsed by his behaviour.

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 14:16

OfficerChurlish · 10/04/2024 14:11

She's neither a child nor a bride. But the likelihood of this kind of relationship working out is slim - it's not just the large age gap, which could be manageable in some cases, but the fact that they will be at completely different life stages and as you said she's almost certainly much less experienced in relationships. The thing is, though, unless there's a case to be made for abuse or neglect, it's up to him who he introduces her to during the time he has her. You've just got to hope that whatever qualities he had that made him seem like he'd be a good partner and father are still in there somewhere and he won't let her come to any real harm. If you can express concerns to him that's great, but I'd focus on the really big things that are actually causing your daughter distress or confusion (if there are any).

I know it's tangential to your post, but why is he only seeing her one day a month? That's about 3% of her life and care, while you're responsible for 97%. he's just as much her parent as you are. Even if he's paying ample support, and I hope he is, he should be contributing a lot more attention, care, and time.

He has 50/50 custody but for many years has been too busy. He just lets me know when he is free and he has her then. She’s heavily involved in soccer and that’s too much of a faff for him to facilitate so it’s on average about once a month. Sometimes months in between and then a few days at obce. He’s had her twice this year.

he pays no child support. I don’t pursue it as this escalates him.

he generally ignores any request I make in regards to decision making for her, school, trips etc. the only thing he has an opinion on is that I am not allowed to take her overseas to visit my family.

OP posts:

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 14:42

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 14:16

He has 50/50 custody but for many years has been too busy. He just lets me know when he is free and he has her then. She’s heavily involved in soccer and that’s too much of a faff for him to facilitate so it’s on average about once a month. Sometimes months in between and then a few days at obce. He’s had her twice this year.

he pays no child support. I don’t pursue it as this escalates him.

he generally ignores any request I make in regards to decision making for her, school, trips etc. the only thing he has an opinion on is that I am not allowed to take her overseas to visit my family.

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Ok so first of all you absolutely have to go to CMS. He should be paying for his child. What do you mean by this escalates him?

2nd of all. He can't stop you taking your child overseas. Go to court and get a specific issues order to take her abroad. I'd also revisit the custody agreement. Again go through courts, tell him that he's only been seeing her once a month and you wish to have a lives with order in place. Having a lives with order means you can take her abroad without his permission.

pictoosh · 10/04/2024 14:51

Yuck yuck yuck.
I'm with you - the gf is desperate to please and impress your ex and dd...silly wee thing. Why the hell does she want to lumber herself with someone old enough to be her dad as well as his kid? There must be something at odds with her...daddy complex, whatever.
As for your ex, he should be viewing her only as a child, not a potential partner. Dirty old man taking advantage of her naivety and well he knows it. GAG.

Not sure how this will impact on your daughter...apart from being modelled some pretty fucked up relationship dynamics. It probably won't get to that stage though, she'll be out the picture before any of that sinks in, most likely.

Can you imagine him sitting with all her 19 year old friends in the pub and listening to the crap they talk...joining in with it? Hahaha! SAD.