ExH child bride

[SorryNotSorryL]

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

How can it be realistic when you have no lived experience yet are lecturing a grown woman who does?

'I'm a woman, was not meant in a sexist manner.....It's literally just a turn of phrase'.
I believe that you did not intend this in a sexist manner - but that is how it may come across as language like this is so frequently used to disparage women. Your being a woman is neither here nor there.

'If that's how you take it, then that's your problem.'
Well no it really isn't.

'I'm more offended the OP is literally getting shit off her ex, he's got an awful habit of going after younger (and often more vulnerable women) and he's a shit dad. But yes, let's get really offended over words.'
It is perfectly possible to be simultaneously offended by both. And people are offended by words all the time.

That won't happen to me because I'm not married to a man, thanks for the armchair psychology though.

But some of the posters on here are extremely triggered and should probably think about why.

Yes by fucking words it seems. Rather than worrisome actions of individuals and repeated patterns of real world behaviour.

Oh I have lived experience, that's why I know that posters ex is a pervert.

Any man at the age of 40 who takes up with a teenager is.

I'm not sure how there's any defence to that really.

Lived experience of her ex?

Lived experience of much older guys who go for teenage girls.

There's not a single one who isn't a pervert.

Anyone who can look at someone who's young enough to be their child, who's just starting out in life and is inexperienced, and finds that attractive, is not a good person.

I think it sounds sexist to accuse women of just being worried their man is going to go off with a younger woman, if they comment on their child having a step parent who's young enough to also be a child of their ex husband. I think the new partners' of their ex is a valid reason to worry if they are involved in the child's life. Especially if the father has a history of a few children in short lived relationships. It must be a worry for the mother how it will mentally affect their child.

There are loads of wealthy men who want to be with older women, with King Charles being an example of having an affair with a married mother, when his wife was a lot younger. Also his son Prince Harry is with an older woman, and William is with a woman his own age. Yoko Ono was older than John Lennon who ran off from his same age wife to be with her.
The person who said others are only worried their child's father is involving a 19 year old in their life out of feeling inadequate and jealous, is either using their own low self esteem as an opinion, or a man who wants women to feel like that.

Well that’s fine. You’ll just have to think I’m sexist. I wasn’t actually referring to OP, who has a vested interest in her ex’s relationship, I meant the sheer number of posters who stampede onto age gap threads to foam at the mouth about how sick they feel and what twisted predators the men are.

It’s such a disproportionate response to a totally unrelated relationship between 2 consenting adults, that I can’t help but feel they have some kind of weird issue on the go. The only equivalent passion I see on here is about/against trans people but at least there it’s a societal issue which affects women in general.

I understand not approving of such age gaps, I understand the arguments behind them, but seriously trying to instruct somebody their ex (who they’re not even with any more) is a vile predator when she still feels (many years later) that he isn’t, is massively projecting and just nuts.

Live and let live, you’ll feel better for it.

He doesn't exactly seem a stable character, if he keeps introducing new short lived partners to the original poster's child, and has a few children with different women, which must also be confusing to the child to wonder why they have so many half siblings from their father who hasn't stayed with the mothers.
All that will be on top of if this will be another short lived relationship their child will become attached to, and hurt if the new girlfriend decides she wants a man more her own age. They might also be worried why a teenager would want to be with an older man with so many commitments with other women.

I agree.

I see why you find it creepy I would too, but really there’s nothing you can do to the control the situation. It’s a good sign that she’s trying to get on with your daughter. Perhaps she could be more of an older sister figure than a step mother type thing.

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow just to say, I've reported your post up there. I think it's unacceptable. Don't know if they'll delete or what.

I'm not an advocate for generation gap relationships myself but when someone recounts their personal experience (such as Lana has here) I accept what they have to say about it because they would know.

You have become insulting in your determination to hammer YOUR point about HER experience home. Not cool.

Thats why you know my ex is a pervert ?

NO. You do not know that. You know nothing about me , or him , or my life .

You don’t know how our relationship started . You don’t know why it ended . You don’t know what it was like in it. You don’t know what I was like at that age. You don’t know this man .

To imply that a man you don’t know , a man that I do know - deeply , inside out - and have done for 20 years , who I know as a fantastic father , who has done admirable, amazing things in his life and his job , who has been a massive support to me for all this time , … for you to to vehemently insist is a pervert is absolutely disgusting .

At what age do YOU decide a woman is old enough to make her own decisions ? There are 19/20 year olds who have children , who have careers, who have bought homes … are they all too young for that? Because if they are “teenagers” as you describe and unable to consent to an adult relationship, then surely they are also not capable of any of that ?

I have encountered men over the years who have taken advantage of me , who have preyed on me at times I was vulnerable and none of them were more than a year older than me .

You talk as though I was an innocent , naive teenager who was preyed upon by a perverted older man and that was not the case . As I say , aside from my husband , I have never felt more safe and respected by a man that I was with him . You keep talking of his behaviour as though it was a repeated pattern . Not that it matters , or is your business , but neither his exes , any subsequent partners or his current wife were my age . No one in our lives - his family, friends, children, mother of his children, my family, my friends , my parents - not one person had any objection or concern because it was very clear that I was not a child , or a “teen” - I was and am a very confident , self assured and capable person .

You allude to being a survivor of a form of abuse or grooming …. I am sorry if that is the case and you suffered and I am sure if that is the case it makes you view things differently and maybe with more of a guard than others may . I am truly sorry if you have suffered . But , I’m sorry - that does not make you an expert .

OK, you don't need to announce you've reported me.

If MN delete, they delete, that doesn't change the fact a near enough middle age guy going after a teen is perverted.

You can't really argue against that tbh.

You really don't need to keep defending him to me. Clearly you think this guy is a Prince.

I think that someone at the age of 40 dating/impregnating a teenager is abhorrent.

Men who like teenagers don't tend to change either.

You're happy enough with that, fair enough, you don't need to keep on at me if you're secure with the risks.

I'll just carry on thinking that any guy whos 40 and persues a relationship with a teenager is a predator. It's not really a wild POV.

As a mother of a 14 Yr old DD the thought of a 34 year old man wanting to date her makes me feel physically ill.

No one can justify that.

You are comparing apples and oranges. The young woman is 19 and an adult, not a child.

That would also make me sick. That is disgusting and there is no way around that - a 34 year old with an interest in a 14 year old is a paedophile.

But , it’s different . A 14 year old is different to a 19/20 year old. There is a lot of difference between them - one is a child , one is not .

I do also think that there can be differences in 19 year olds. I know a 19 year old who is still very much a child - in looks , in personality etc ( no additional needs ) . If this 19 year old started dating a man 20 years older then I would be concerned ! I know another woman who is 20 , has a child , has a good job and is about to buy her own home - she is so much different!

There are also different types of men . A man who is going around with only an interest in those that much younger than them , who seeks them out , who is just going around sleeping with them - that would be questionable . I think the key here is the specifics of each .

In my situation- it was different. I was definetly more mature than a lot of girls my age . I met him in an adult situation, he had never been in a relationship with anyone younger and hasn’t since , he was a respectable man in a respectable job , with his own home , financially stable … our relationship was slow burning ( we didn’t sleep together for 6 months - we dated and got to know each other and fell in love ) I was introduced to his children slowly . It just so happened that I got pregnant quite quickly . I wasn’t just one in a long line . It was a very normal and healthy relationship- I just happened to be a lot younger than him.

The age gap is the same. Once she hits 19 I'd still not be comfortable with it. Looking at my 14 year old DD right now, in 5 years she will be the same age as the ex's gf. That's warped. I know she will be "legal" but it's gross.
Do we honestly think once someone has magically turned 18 past the stroke of midnight on their birthday that's it? No longer a child. Finally an adult. Mature enough to date someone old enough to be their parents?

(Maybe I'm just uncomfortable because I had my DD at 18 and her DF was 19)

I am secure and I don’t feel there were ever any risks .

Thinking a 40 year old man that persues a relationship with a teenager is a predator- on the face of it , no it’s not a wild POV at all. But what I am saying is that there can be more to it than what you see on the face of it . You are very rigid in your view and maybe that’s your life experience- it’s not something you have experienced or witnessed or if you have it’s been in a negative . A teenager is not what a 19 year old always is , expect for the word. A 16 year old schoolgirl or school leaver is a teen , a 19 year old uni student is not the same .

The age and the maturity of the girl is the key . I would be a lot more concerned about a 15 year old dating a 19 year old for example . That to me , would signify and adult and child relationship ( well not signify , it is ) and yet there are only 4 years difference . If that situation was instead a 20 year old and a 24 year old - no one would bat an eyelid . Even if it was 19 and 23 no one would think it was wrong . Yet the 19 year old is still the same age as a 19 year old involved with a man 20 years older than her . But the key is - her maturity .

Would I be happy if my 19 year old daughter was dating a man 20 years older than her ? No . Not on the face of it . I would be aware of my experience and that it was positive but I would also be aware that not everyone is like us. Would my ex be happy with a 19 year old daughter of his dating a man 20 years older - god no! In fact we have spoke about this hypothetically and his response was that he knows what he is like , he knows what his intentions were but he would not know what another mans intentions were and would have his guard up about it . It’s all about individual situations.

Im not continuing to argue with you because I feel a need to justify a situation I have lived for 20 years - it’s to justify my opinion and not have the OP , who is already concerned , then automatically think her child’s father is a paedophile and her child is unsafe . No one can definitely say he’s not from some posts on a group but it’s to give her other views and experiences. Had she posted that her ex had a 16 year old gf , I wouldn’t have even posted my experience as it would be a completely different situation and therefore irrelevant.

i find it super interesting that so many people think that I’m the problematic one because I’m not ‘stopping’ him from behaving in a certain way- yet absolutely devoid of suggestions other than go to court, which anyone with half a brain cell would know is absolutely pointless, there is no law against being slack.

what would you suggest- inviting him and GF over for a PowerPoint presentation highlighting my concerns?

squirting water in his face when he misbehaved?

calling his mum?

im open to suggestions here, particularly ones that don’t require me to needlessly throw fifty thousand dollars down the toilet

Maybe it is because of that - you haven’t experienced it so you look at it on the face of it . Nothing wrong with that .

I think it’s different as a parent - your baby is always your baby .

Im sure my parents had concerns - they never voiced them as I was a very mature and independent young woman . I’ve always kind of been the “boss” in my family - I’m the leader ! but I’m sure there were conversations of concern between my parents but they saw the relationship for what it was too. I was in no way vulnerable and they got to know my ex and it was all very open .

Im not saying all age gaps are ok . But im just bringing the experience of a very healthy age gap relationship to the discussion.