ExH child bride

[SorryNotSorryL]

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

He's a disgusting bastard.

My Ex husband was unfaithful {and married -and then divorced} with a woman 20 yrs older than me.

She was a harridan, Frightful and desperately mean to our son who was just 4 at the time.

She was spiky and abrasive and I'd far rather a younger, kind girlfriend for a child.

YABU here.

I was expecting a child of 13...Not a woman of 19!

Stupid title for the thread. Because of that I suspect all is not as you say....

Prob best you modify the title. People are thinking you mean
"Ex husband's child bride"
when you actually mean "Ex husband, our child and his new bride"

Does or did your daughter have relationships with the mothers of his other children after her? Has she become close to his other girlfriends, only for them to split up? I wonder if she could be worried about becoming close to her and the same happens again? Maybe she feels as if she has to accept his girlfriend's efforts to make her father happy, in the hope he might make more effort with her?

She's 19, not a 'child bride', what a dramatic thread title using the idea of child brides as click bait.

They are not married or talking about getting married. He just has a younger partner.

Well she actually means 'ex husband, our child and his younger girlfriend', but presumably used the phrase 'child bride' because it would shock and get more clicks.

🙄

REAL child marriage is abhorrent.

It’s the first time that I have reported an OP for having a misleading and grossly inaccurate title to generate clicks, but it seems to have been deemed ok. I’m not thin skinned but found this quite distasteful.

DH is 38 and our eldest is 19.

This made me feel queasy 🤢

In my work I have met young men from countries like Sudan who have 11/12 year old wives waiting for them back home. It's not a joke or something lighthearted. It's appalling.

This thread is disingenuous and ignorant and it's not thin skinned to point that out. MN should listen.

Hardly a child bride now is it. A bit dismissive to real child brides that are sometimes 8 or 9.

So glad I'm not the only one feeling this!

He doesn’t pay child support and you don’t challenge that because it ‘escalates’ him. What else ‘escalates’ him ? As far as I can see it’s anything he actually has to engage with regarding his DD and you let him get away with it to the point where he constantly lets her down - she’s even missing out on the opportunity to broaden her horizons by visiting family abroad. If his behaviour is difficult when you broach these things you need to recognise it for what it is - abusive and controlling. You need to ask yourself why you are facilitating that.

You are managing the situation and playing the long game. In a few years this man will be of less consequence to you and your dc can have more autonomy. The less time she spends with him the better really.

I'd continue to do as you have and be positive re new gf to your dc thankfully if he only sees her once a month your dc hopefully won't get too attached .

My ex was an abusive arse who didn't support his kids. Started of 50:50, dropped to eow. Then once a month. During which he had two more wives and three more kids plus three stepchildren.

My dc are adults now and we are very close. They see their dad a few times a year.

What does the "child bride" part of your title relate to?

I can’t fucking believe you have used child brides- who actually are children and endure horrific suffering and abuse- to get more people to click on your thread bitching about your ex and his younger girlfriend.

Have a word with yourself.

What stands out for me about this whole thread is that apart from one or two posts, most people are accepting of the fact that this man has introduced his young daughter to a string of (now ex) girlfriends, including this latest who is only a few years older than DD - and who is now broaching the subject of her and DH living together, and taking ‘family photos’ of the three of them. The general advice seems to be that she’s nice to DD so it’s fine.

And yet we see thread after thread where mums are absolutely castigated for even thinking about introducing boyfriends, and even potentially serious longer term partners, to their children. Apparently they should put their personal lives on hold until their kids are older - much older than OP’s DD in this scenario. Double standards ?

Why do you allow this state of affairs?
You allow him to dictate everything; he is cruel, farting around only seeing her at his convenience, and cannot be bothered to get involved with her hobby because it's too much trouble. Then he dictates whether or not you can take her abroad.
You haven't tried to get child support because it 'escalates him'?
So he's getting away with less than minimal care and parenting of his child, and your main concern is the age of his seemingly kind, current girlfriend?
Good grief. Priorities...

Someone suggested upthread that OP is being controlled by her ex. She refutes this and says it’s his behaviour that’s the problem. I’d say that his behaviour is designed to get him exactly the kind of control he has now.

OP is not only facilitating this, but doesn’t even recognise it as control. He doesn’t engage with most aspects of DD’s life because it’s ‘too much of a faff’, he’s denying her the opportunity to travel abroad and see OP’s family, he picks and chooses when he sees DD and he doesn’t pay a brass penny towards her. On top of all this he’s exposing her to his seemingly throw away attitude to his personal relationships with other women, and OP’s only objection seems to be that his latest squeeze is in her late teens.

My advice to OP would be wake up to the tactics this controlling arsehole is employing to sidestep his responsibilities as a father, stop facilitating it, and start advocating for your daughter.

Hear, hear, @Rosscameasdoody

That’s an interesting viewpoint.

I think because people are guessing that it's probably going to fizzle out before it gets to that stage. No one is saying that the GF moving in would be a wonderful idea just that OP really has no say in what he does. I think most can see that the situation is grim but when she can't control who her ex dates at the very least she can grateful that the GF is being kind to her DD.

Child bride?! You sound triggered because she's young. She sounds naive but wanting to engage your DD, which is nice.
Introducing to a string of GFs is modelling bad behaviour. The age gap is a bit creepy but the constant carousel of new women is more problematic. Why haven't you done anything about that?

Your focusing on her age, when it should really be about him not fitting your DD in enough to have a proper relationship with. Then there's the issue of the gf being one of many. Your ex doesn't see your DD enough to be including any gf. We do accept our parents for how they are, so she will just go with it and vote with her feet when she's a bit older. Many teens stick with contact to tap for cash. But in real terms you are her world. As said as long as the gfs are nice to her. Just keep your fingers crossed that there isn't a pregnancy. I did have a very happy 20 year marriage, until I was widowed, with a bigger age gap. But there's so many opportunities now, I wouldn't necessarily advocate it.