ExH child bride

[SorryNotSorryL]

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

The worry for me would be your DD getting too attached to her dad's new GF and then never seeing her again if/when the relationship falls apart .

The new gf sounds lovely. She certainly doesn’t sound like someone I would have an issue with being around my DD.
Whether you agree with the age gap relationship doesn’t matter, they’re both adults. Be kind to yourself and open to the possibility that people of all ages can get on really well! It’s great that your daughter had a lovely weekend.

The concern for me is the example it sets. When your DD is 18 or 19 she could see a much older man taking an interest as normal, not seeing any red flags should there be any.

That's revolting, she's 5 years older than his daughter. It's isn't illegal but it should be. Of course your dd will probably idolise the cool young defacto step mum, in the way most young teens worship older teens, but it'll fizzle out and your dd will realise when she's older what an absolute creep her father is. As a pp said, ride this one out and keep a dignified silence. As long as she treats your dd with kindness, that's all you need to worry about.

What relevance is this ?

I think it’s quite plain the OP was being wry when she wrote the title. This place is unbelievably humourless (no, I know child marriage is not funny before anyone comes at me, the OP is clearly not mocking that barbarism) these days.

I was going to write pretty much the same as his. he barely sees his daughter pays not money and stops you going away (which if you went to court he couldn’t)

I actually think this is sound advice. I know it’s not ideal but I don’t think it’s worth you getting frustrated about

Definitely this.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but not because I'm worried about the GF (I am a bit, but she's a free agent). I'm more worried about how this will affect your DD when this relationship inevitably goes pear-shaped. This girl sounds very nice (if somewhat naive) and your DD could develop a bit of hero-worship and be very upset when the lass comes to her senses.

The "good" thing is that your ex hardly bothers with your DD, so she isn't likely to meet this young woman very often.

Edit to add - Very inappropriate title, though.

Child bride is a bit misleading!

I don’t think the age is a massive issue .

When I was 20 I met a man 21 years older than me . He was 41 . I began a relationship with him and we had a child when I was 22 . He was the most caring and respectful man I ever known ( until I met my now husband of course ! ) . He never pressured me into anything when we began our relationship- he was honestly so caring and considerate . We split when I was 23 . Nothing bad , we just weren’t in love anymore. But this man is my best friend. He is the best father I could ask for for our child. He has been there for me since day 1- I’ve since had relationships that haven’t worked out and other children and he has always been there . He treats my other children with love , he gets on really well with my husband and up until I met my husband - and he took that place of being the man I rely on - he has been there for me through thick and thin. I’m not in love with him and he is not in love with me , but he is one of my very best friends in this whole world and because of that our child has had the best upbringing despite us not being together .

However , in your situation I would say the issue is that he’s introducing women to your child quite quickly and as you say he has another gf recently , I guess the problem is that it’s getting her attached to people that aren’t staying around .

Keep an eye on what’s best for your child but don’t discount this women due to her age . I was “stepmom” to children who were actually not that younger than me and all these years later I still have close relationships with them all … now , it’s more friends ( they don’t class me as a stepmom lol ) but I cared and still do care about them all so much and at that point when I was the “ child bride 🤣” I may have been young but I cared deeply for them and wanted to just be a positive in their life!

What the fuck is the matter with these men. He’s nearly 40 and 2 years ago she was classed as a child. Fucking creepy sick bastards.

Does she have much of a relationship with her siblings/her dad's other children? What do they think of the age gap?
That's probably the direction I would go down with regards to your DD being aware of the consequences of her dad's perv behaviour.

Ugh I know they say age is only a number but can understand your point totally. I am not sure there is much can be done about it though. This woman is barely an adult and sounds very naive however it sounds like she made a huge effort with your daughter, which is actually nice. I feel sorry for the girl and I doubt her own parents are too pleased about the situation if they are aware.

Title is disgusting and I've reported it.

@SorryNotSorryL

I think her age is a bit of a red herring. A new GF of any age can be overbearing and try to 'enchant' their new BF's child.

Do I think YABU to be upset at this apparently 'lovebombing' by the GF? No, I don't. Your DD may end up being very confused and/or hurt if her attitude changes, which is likely if your ex starts using her as unpaid childcare, she gets tired of trying to impress DD, or when the relationship ends.

But is there anything you can do about it? Probably not much. You can't speak to the GF, absolutely not. And chances are you can't speak to your Ex about it. And I don't think it would be wise to sit DD down and explain to her why this isn't going to last etc etc.

To me all you can do is downplay what you can with a very offhand 'That's nice, dear' then changing the subject when she praises the new GF. If she starts telling you about 'big plans' like, oh, Disney trips, moving in with dad, fancy days out, etc just say blandly "That would be nice, but we mustn't count our chickens" etc etc. Treat what she says as unimportant and you'll reinforce to her that it is unimportant and unlikely to happen.

Since he's been a less than stellar dad in the time spent with DD department, use that to your advantage. Don't encourage it, don't change plans to facilitate it, and try to deflect DD if she wants to contact her dad about visiting. Chances are with this infatuation with this young woman he'll not want to spend much time 'parenting'.

This

Keep out of it as long as she's kind to your daughter that's all you need to know. She will be more like an older sister role to her than stepmother.

I don't think it was acceptable of the new girlfriend asking if it was ok to move in with him. Strange.
I understand your opinion, OP.

I understand why you're pissed but she's not a child, and she's not his bride, so your title is extremely misleading.

It's grim on his part but for now you should only be concerned about how she treats your daughter

She's only just come into the picture!😂What are you basing this on?! The fact she spoilt the DD at their first meeting??

I just wanted to add actually to my comment .

When I met my ex partner , it was just under 20 years ago . I , sadly , think this makes a difference . He was from a different generation. A more respectful generation. A man who is now 40 , that’s my generation and I find a lot of men in this generation a lot more disrespectful and I think now there is a lot where it’s kind of “ cool “ to get with younger women maybe ? If that makes sense ? My ex is very old school , a gentleman , a belief that a man provides and protects . I think that probably makes a difference

OP, I've voted YABU because as you already confirmed on you first post the bigger prick in the picture is your exH.
This girlfriend may be young but also may be lovely. Your DD see his dad one in a full moon and his new girlfriend interactions with your DD are going to be small, so unless she is a nasty bitch, and it doesn't look like that as per your post, her impact on your DD may be negligible or slightly positive.

YANBU to be wary of him introducing to your DD to any women he meets, I'm with you there, and if I you could you would stop this great and meeting bullshit once for all, but I'm afraid that is not on your hand.

To a 38 year old with a pre teen?

The kid is about to become a teenager. I'd say that young lady love of his is in for a world of pain if she's still around in a couple of years!