ExH child bride

[SorryNotSorryL]

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

There’s no financial advantage in dating my ex h 🤣🤣

Obviously not. But some appropriate boundaries would be nice

You are letting him control you. You should take him back to court to change the custody and you should definitely visit your family. What do you mean it escalates him? Is tip-toeing on eggshells to appease him helping your daughter?

Ridiculous title.

Whatever you think of the age gap, she’s not a child bride.

I know everybody is different, but when I was 19, a man that age would have seemed really old, but also, what could an old man who already has many children by different women offer her?
The idea of a step daughter might seem nice to an older woman, but she could meet a younger man without so many responsibilities.

Thanks to all the replies- obviously my title went down like a lead balloon. It was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. Yes obviously there are real child brides and that’s not funny- but if sh was an actual child and marrying him I don’t think I’d post about it on mumsnet. Perhaps I need to be much more literal and not try to engage in the funny/bizarre side of things….I did forget how sensitive MN can be - apologies for any offence, but also breathe a little.

As for court suggestions. He fougth me tooth an nail for 50\custody. I was repeatedly told I was unreasonable because there ‘was no risk’, no allegations of abuse etc etc. him being inconsistent and wholly inappropriate is not enough of a reason to try and limit his influence on DD. Think forgetting to pick her up from school in kindergarten, having porn hub stickers on his car window, leaving her sat on the beach for 8+ hours while he surfs and just asking any nearby person to keep an eye on her etc. the courts didn’t care. He got what he wanted on paper and never bothered to take it.

when I seek child support he starts to insist on having her more often and see above so I leave it alone. I don’t hold him to account financially to keep my kid safe.

i am from Europe and he says that children go missing all the time there (yes racism) but again I don’t want him to punish me with my daughter so I wait till she’s older.

I was also very naive when I met him and suckered in by the whirlwind romance and the pressure of being from overseas meant we got married quickly. He had no children then so I had no frame to base his parenting on. By the time I worked it all out I was pregnant and a long way from home and too scared and naive to try and leave. Threats for court orders to return DD etc.

I am not too sure about his other GFs and kids. I know for sure he has 2 children nearly exact same age -both 9 and a toddler in a different part of the country. There could be many more smarter women than me that ran for the hills with their babies

i appreciate that there are lots of people who have age gap relationships that work out, but can we be realistic and acknowledge that most of them are an absolute disaster.

yes she seems very lovely. I have a twenty year old niece who is also very lovely but I would have a heart attack if she decides to make home with a man like my ExH. I would also talk to her about the importance of a child’s feelings. They are not someone you try to impress and fall in love with you because you think this will make their dad love you more. You treat them with care and respect as an individual and honour the great responsibility you have by inviting themself in their life….. but this is too much expectation for someone so young… you learn these lessons in life by making mistakes and I am extremely worried that my daughter is to be one of those mistakes that this girl will look back on in twenty years and cringe at how she behaves towards her.

it’s all very sad and yucky. My sorry to the title but I am shocked to continue to be shocked by this man.

i do not ‘let’ anybody control me. His behaviour is the problem here.

OP do you judge couples with a big age gap when they're 60 and 80 and married 30 years or whatever?

edit to add - I appreciate it's more complex with a child involved.

Sorry, but you are way too involved. It’s absolutely none of your business as long as your daughter is safe and content when visiting her father.
The more you post about the young woman the more unreasonable you sound.

I am so sorry you have had to put up with so much shit from this man for so long. He is unbelievable!

Your daughter is very lucky to have you protecting her from his neglect and arrogance. Well done OP, you are strong and your courage really shines through in your posts.

I think you will handle this situation better than anyone here can tell you. Have you got much support around you?

Is he abusive?

op, maybe heres your chance. Since your dd loves girlfriend, give dd the forms to take dd out of the country to see your family, suggest dd ask gf in front of him, say you wouldn’t mind if I’m away for a week would you? Could I take a photo of the three of us to show my family? Dad, can you sign these please?

and gently remind dd that while it’s great she’s lovely, other gfs haven’t been around that long and you are happy she’s getting on, you just don’t want her hurt.

he wont see her more often or get bored of it soon enough-ddont let him control you-should be paying for his child

If two people at 30 and 50 decide to get married, I think this is very different to someone 20 and 40. I have a niece the same age who I change nappies for so for my EXH to have a relationship like this yes I find it very strange. He also has nieces and nephews a similar age.
it’s not particularly the age gap, there is 15 years between myself and my partner, which is similar, but I meet him at 30 and he was 45, the life stage is very important.

I have beautiful friends who are my family for now 💚

😂😂

Truly my favourite drip feed.

Of course YOUR age gap is different OP.

So was I.
That child is now 18 and I’m almost 38.
He’s a child.
I was far too young, the difference is his dad was the same age as me.
This relationship is rank!

Definitely creepy and what a great example of men your daughters’ father is setting for her. More than one child with lots of failed relationships, quick moving, introducing them to her in quick succession… I would be more concerned about the long term implications of his behaviour as a model for your dd… it sounds already from your post she is craving his approval and his presence and idolising him; imo these are traits I wouldn’t want her to associate with the men in her life as it won’t lead to healthy relationship patterns. So I’d be less concerned about this one young girlfriend but more about his behaviour and impact in general. To be totally honest if I were you and I felt his behaviour could be damaging for her, I would look to reduce contract or set clear boundaries with him not to introduce new partners or discuss it with dd and I’d be looking at ways to change the dynamics of it all.

Actually op having read all your posts here I would look at stopping contact actually. You say yourself “He just lets me know when he is free and he has her then.”
Thats absolutely not ok and he is giving you the exact same entitled behaviour he gives your dd. Why on earth are you putting up with it!!? He’s a crap dad and a shit if a man. He’s not adding anything to your dds life in fact I think his behaviour is a very damaging model… he clearly can’t really be arsed with her as he can’t with other women he says he cares about- I’d just stop all pandering to him and go as little contact as possible. You do not have to accept this behaviour from a man and neither does your dd..

So DD has at least 3 half-siblings, that you know of, each with a different mother? I'd say the 19 year old girlfriend is the least of your worries, she'll soon be either replaced, or pregnant!

How on earth do you navigate creating a sense of family with all those different sets of relationships? Does your DD know? Does each new girlfriend know what they're getting into? Surely it's going to be harder to explain away as DD gets older? Aaargh! on your behalf, OP.

Agree with pps about curtailing DD's contact with a Dad who is such a terrible role model. Or else go for full disclosure, so she can at least know grow up knowing exactly who and what to avoid like the plague. I don't think there's any halfway measures here.

While he's dating an adult, it's a serious case of cradle snatching. What does she see in him? She might be looking to escape home to the first available option as she's already talking about moving in etc.
It sounds like the girlfriend tried to make things nice for your daughter, but is also being more of a big sister / pal than a parent type figure.
I'd be more concerned that your daughter is going to build a friendship with this girlfriend and then be devastated when it all falls apart.

Look, when I was 15 (yes, that is a little older, and it does matter at that point) my father had a 21-year-old girlfriend. In other words: she was much, much closer in age to me than to him. When they used to take me places, people assumed we must be sisters.

There was that! There were also the "other things" - specifically: the fact that she was starting a business, I was getting into tech, and he essentially made me work for her business full-time for free during summer [he called it "an internship" and "work experience" - but I never even got a reference from her], and the fact that this obviously head over heels 21-year-old would tell me (again, we were sort of similar-ish in age) all about how wonderful and sexy he was. I mean, he was also my father and this was insanely inappropriate, but ... whatever! And the fact that she used to take me to one of the local bars after work and buy me drinks. I was a minor and not of drinking age! I basically thought of her as "my cool older friend with an icky habit of talking about my dad as though he were an actually dateable bloke".

Why I am telling you this, OP: yes, this was all sorts of "fucked up" in very many ways! But on the upside: it did no actual, long-term harm to me! It did contribute to me coming to an understanding that, unfortunately for me, my father was sort of an arse - but it was by far not the only contributing factor to this particular insight!

Honestly: be there for your daughter, be ready to have talks about things if she has questions and ... apart from that: let it be! You cannot control your ex, nor the girlfriend - and your daughter will draw her own conclusions eventually!

It sounds like it is unlikely to last. If it looks like there may be a longer term element maybe invite her out for coffee so you can help her to manage the relationship with dd. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. It sounds like she is doing big sister type things which dd might enjoy having a slightly older person who can have a bit of a laugh with her. It might also mean your ex shows a little more interest in dd to impress the girlfriend. You can suggest that they perhaps take her to football to see what she is interested in etc.

As long as they are not having lots of arguments in front of dd and she doesn't start parenting or actively influencing dd too much I would take a cautious watch and wait approach.

What an ageist, intensive post, OP.

19 so grim.

How has your DD responded to his constant slide reel of girlfriends coming and going?