ExH child bride

[SorryNotSorryL]

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

19 is an adult, not a child

I was married with a baby at 19 🙄

Maybe so...but to a 38 yr old, a 19 year old IS pretty much a kid. Or at least, she should be.

I actually think the girlfriend's age is the least relevant thing about any of this. Yes, it's a big age gap and I think most people would find it a bit cringe, but ultimately she's an adult. And it sounds like she went out of her way to be nice to your daughter, and although I understand why you feel it was OTT, it is at least far preferable to being standoffish/competitive with her. And I promise you that many, many people much older than your ex's girlfriend would behave in the same way as she did; I don't think it's age-related.

The problem here is that your ex keeps introducing your DD to all his girlfriends when he's barely known them five minutes. This would be just as much of a problem if the girlfriend was in her 30s. That's shitty behaviour on his part. He is the one who is messing with your daughter's emotions, not the girlfriend.

thought you were going to say she was 13 or sumat😂

Unless your family overseas are somewhere dangerous, he can't really stop you. Just go to court and get a specific issue order to allow you to travel to your home country. Better yet, get a lives with order that reflects the current situation, that your DD actually only lives with you.

At least the 19yr old is making an effort...

She is neither a child, nor a bride.

Agree with those who are saying that whilst it’s not ideal, she is neither a child nor a bride and is not deserving of any vitriol even if you think she’s made a poor choice in dating your ex.

your ex, however, sounds like a grade A twat

I'm afraid you've a lot more to worry about from your DDs relationship with your ex than with this pleasant and kind sounding young women who is the latest to be manipulated by him. There isn't going to be anything you can do about it as your creepy ex doesn't sound the sort to be influenced. So in your shoes I'd do my best to manage DDs expectations. So if she talks in terms of her living with your ex just say 'well that might not happen so just be friends with Gemma for now...' etc.

16 years difference between my mam and dad. It did not end well... 😳
Good luck with picking up the pieces again OP. Just enjoy the harmony while it lasts, hopefully it will.

He’s a fucking pig dating a 19yo when he’s knocking on 40.

Wonder what he’d say if your 12yo came home with a 40yo in 5 years’ time.

You’ll have to keep quiet and make no reference to her age. I feel terribly sorry for that 19yo. She just has no idea and is being lovely. Poor thing.

So gross. He's literally double her age.

I'd be tempted to watch the Parent Trap with DD. Reminds me of the scene when Lindsey Lohan's Dad says he wants Meredith to join the family.

"You're going to adopt Meredith?"
"Adopt her? No I'm going to marry her!"

Having a relationship with a man you're not attracted to for monetary gain is, however people want to spin it, prostitution. That woman is pitiful and so is he, just enjoy the circus and nod politely at DD's stories.

He’s a revolting, useless sack of shit.

He pays no money and hardly bothers with your poor child. I’m not surprised it sickens you to see how nervous and excited she gets, only to be let down. That’s fucking awful.

Just how many kids does this scumbag have (and fails to pay for) - not including the new girlfriend? 🤭

To a man 20 years older?

Personally I wouldn’t let the kids dad see them if all he wanted to do was take them out for the day once a month. Particularly if it was causing the type of anxious feeling it’s causing in your DD. It’s to confusing for them. For that reason I voted YBU.

Clickbait or what

I had a baby at 21. I was still a baby, to young.

From your description, it will be over before too long anyway so I would just leave it.

This is grooming behaviour and I think you need to talk to your daughter about love-bombing.

At 12yo she may still be receptive to reading A Warm Fuzzy Tale.

The Original Warm Fuzzy Tale | KindSpring.org

Child bride at over 18 & unmarried ? A bit dramatic but yes they probably won't last if shes one of many hes had

I really don’t understand men
how can they not see it as weird as to want to stick their D into someone freshly minted as an ‘adult’ ( I actually think adult is more 21+ ) who is 7 years older than their child

so.fucking.weird

what bothers me is that they obviously realise that the age difference is inappropriate considering she could age nearly been in the same high school as the daughter.. makes me wonder if in a weird way they get off on that.

just NO

Age gaps close if people are mature adults but at that age it’s just grotesque

The daughter has a right to a relationship with her father.

I mean. It’s young but not illegal. What would you rather - her be nasty towards your DD? Sounds like she can’t win.

I get the feeling this will fizzle out on its own. Your daughter will probably only see the new GF a handful of times before she’s replaced so won’t be nearly as upset as you imagine. Just don’t give your ex the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you.

I would however look into CMS as PP have said. Even if you don’t need or want the money, you can put it into a savings account for DD to help with a house deposit or university fees etc later on.

That's a disturbing clickbait title which you should be thoroughly ashamed of, given the amount of young girls who are actually forced into marriage as children.

This young woman is neither a child nor a bride.