Me and 13 yr old: The constant, awful battle over screen time

[Bellballbune]

NC for this.

I wrote a long, detailed post and then erased it. There seemed no point in such elaborate detail when the headlines are clear:

• I’m a fairly controlling mum about screen. I think 4/5 hours in the holiday gaming (plus his phone with him most of the day until he must leave it downstairs at 8pm) is fine. Plus, episodes in evening on TV as a family
• He can’t bear being restricted. Wilful, combative, relentless over wanting more - all the time
• Dh who agrees with me but is easier going and enjoys watching sports in evening on TV and likes DS watching with him - so doesn’t care that he’s just come off hours of gaming onto more screen.

i know I need to find a better approach rather than a shrill, stern reproachful way of trying to coax DS off. I know I’m not handling it well. I do try to offer different things - board games, cooking etc - but his interest is minimal. His interest in everything is minimal. He just wants to chill! All the time. It drives me fucking insane.

He does do some sport and he will go to the park with his friends for a bit but that’s it.

I’m worried about the level of screen usage and addiction. I’m worried im failing him as a parent. He used to be so engaged in tons of stuff.

And I actually just hate family life at moment as it revolves around all this and DH and I just end up arguing over my approach and how I’m getting it wrong. It is so boring! And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.

i dream of running away….

Any thoughts?

Sorry you are struggling. What about trying lifting restrictions entirely? We have no limits on screen time other than at bedtime and the odd suggestion that they do something else if they have been on there a while... or a nudge to watch something more educational occasionally. The consequence of this approach is we have zero conflict or arguments over it. Screens can be used for good- learning about the world and different subjects, so being too restrictive doesn't make sense to me.

I would consider this to be a "pick your battles" scenario.
I also think it's very normal for children this age to lose interest in "hobbies".

Presumably this is only a holiday issue, as during term time he is limited to after school and will also have to fit in things like eating dinner/personal hygiene/seeing friends/doing other activities? I'd encourage other things (someting that does interest him) or physically go out the house with him so that he can't physically spend all day gaming, rather than making screens into a battle.

I'd also consider why you are worrying? I appreciate screen addiction is real, but a lot of modern life is now conducted in front of a screen. Would you consider reading a ebook as bad? Or him reading an article about current affairs? Or using an educational app? And if he online gaming, it's also a social thing.

My DS went through a phase of seemingly gaming in every available second. It is a short lived phase because when they get a bit older they will want to be out with friends more, might want to take up new interests (my DS started the Duke of Edinburgh award), then they will start part time jobs, then there will be university/apprenticeship/work.

I think firstly you and your DH need to get on the same page and agree some boundaries so that you feel backed up rather than a double battle with your DS and then your DH. What helps in our house is we can and do activities as a family like swimming or climbing or a shopping trip and lunch out and DD is then rarely on her phone. It won't help if you're trying to coax DS away from screens if your DH is just sat staring at one all day.

My 14yr old’s the same, gaming in his room, watching tv, on his phone. But we don’t restrict until bedtime.

We do do things with him though which get him away from screens with a purpose, rather than just ‘come off it’

We bike, take dog for walk, go to cafes etc. He eats dinner at the table with is every day too.

What things do you do with him?

My kids both do a lot of screen time but are pretty good at making sure homework is done etc and no gaming after a set Time in the evening.
The best thing I ever did was set up proper parental controls on the xbox, phone and laptop. Microsoft controls are excellent and I can limit per day, total and per app, and set different weekend and weekday limits. This means I am not having the battle but the xbox itself just tells them they have only 5.mins left. Much better.
The other thing I do is I play some games with them, especially my younger DS. This means we are spending time together, they get to mansplain the game 🤣 and I do even have a bit of fun.

I think you are right to enforce restrictions. I am a teacher and can see the difference between those who have unlimited screen time and those who don't - vocabulary, ability to converse, imagination, ability to entertain or amuse themselves, ideas for stories or artwork and so on. Talk to dh and come up with a plan you can both agree on, and then tell ds. Make him aware that it's non negotiable and a united front. Ignore when he complains. Parents who go through this are always ultimately pleased that they did, even if it's the harder path.

I would be agreeing with DH what the limits are and explaining them (again...) to the child. I'd also make clear that any battles about coming off devices and they would be withdrawn altogether. Personally I think it better for teens to lie about being bored (might spark creativity!) than constantly distracted by screens.

I think it is really hard, as games are literally designed to override the dopamine reward system in the brain. Even the most addictive of games we had in the late 90's can't compare to run-of-the-mill ones now. He can't help feeling angry and horrible because he IS feeling horrible. Games now literally make his brain happy. But they also have measurable cognitive impact on how he feels happiness and pleasure so I don't believe they are are harmless like most people. TV sports is fine, it doesn't affect him. Let him watch those as much as he wants, but I would say "it is time for you to learn to control your emotions when you finish. The feelings you are having are real, but you do need to be able to stop playing as a skill and we are going to support you with that." Make a list of 10 things he wants to do other than gaming and support him to do those things as soon as his time is up. If he can't choose and learn self-control, then he needs less gaming.

Thanks all.

we do things together - dog walks - we always have dinner together and never any phones at the time, we socialise as a family - and I try to bring other things in.

The argument over ‘screens are not so bad, they can be educational’ just doesn’t wash when you have a child who only wants to game, look at Tik Tok shite etc. it would be different if he was interested in reading about the eclipse etc!

He’s very bright, engaging, but I just worry how his brain is doing with all this screen shite and not enough other stimulation. I can totally understand why @lemonmeringueno3 sees a fall off in ideas, articulation and literacy in those who have unlimited time.

But even these few posts point to the issue, the divide - is it better to just take away restrictions for the most part and let them self-regulate or control and know you’ll experience their wrath and potentially a loss in your relationship?

This resonates, thanks

I don't know, I was strict about screen time and my SIL didn't restrict it. All of her children are high achieving and active and have friends. I sometimes wonder if the bad atmosphere and me being controlling was worth it. Have a chat with about managing this now he is getting older ,what does he think is fair.

“And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.”

this is your main problem. You can’t make parenting decisions on the basis of being popular. You are the parent- you need to make unpopular decisions for the sake of your child.

It's a battle going on all across the nation over holidays. Mine are both a similar age an would be on screens all day if not forced to do other things. Hard when I'm working. Mine have limits on if they refuse to do other things asked

Per day, your son gets

• 4 - 5 hours of gaming on his tablet
• his phone
• TV in the evening

I'm surprised the pp seem to think this is okay and that you shouldn't be so restrictive...!
Per week that's 35 hours, just on the tablet! Of course you'd want him to be spending his time more efficiently!

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, these things happen. It won't kill him but it's very addictive and not remotely good for him, especially when that time could be put into other things, social activities and mastering new skills.

What kind of other activities is he into? What does he want to do when he's an adult?
It's a tough age to please! Are there any days out or regular activities/ chores he could be helping with to keep him busy?

I haven't enforced screen time with my two eldest (ds15, dd13) since they were little. They both have activities 2 or 3 nights in term time. High achievers. Both are pretty good at self-regulating, and what's lovely is this holiday all 3 dc have had a great time building a collaborative Minecraft world! It's more important to us to find and support other interests than clamp down on screens. Explorer scouts? Cadets? Drama club?
Plus we are active at weekends - always include at least one family day out for a walk or museum. And we sit together mostly in the evening - not shut in bedrooms.
So many things to worry about as a parent but this isn't one of them for me. Yes they went through a phase of Tiktok / shorts / watching crap, but we rib them about it rather than agonising. My eldest prefers TED talks now (but still indulges in crappy memes and pokemon sub-reddit!). I just try to keep it light-hearted and if it looks like they are getting sucked into rubbish non-stop i just hsve a word and ask them to stop and think about it.

The other activities you are offering aren't really going to be of interest to a 13 year old.

At a similar age we explored new interests as a family - so we sat down and had a conversation about staying healthy and trying new sports and followed through. We tried badminton, tennis etc. DH ran with mine for a while.

If you are framing it as we need to be healthy it's harder for them to resist as they know it's true.

Then when they have more activities they are out at they are naturally gaming and in screens less.

Honestly, I read this sort of post and my heart sinks. whilst it’s amazing for you, it has a dash of the Waltons about it - and just don’t have that sort of son. I can’t rib him gently about his choice of screen shite. He’s never going to to scouts. And he doesn’t have siblings to be amazingly creative in Minecraft over.

a lot comes down to the child. If you have malleable, amenable children. Great. If you don’t, see my first post

This sounds like a total cop out to me. Of course there is no conflict if they are doing what they want all the time. Just telling yourself that screens can he used for goiod means nothing.

I hear you IP, I'm in the same space. You want to cut down on the constant gaming but not sacrifice the relationship between you and your DS.

I'm engaged in the same battle, but am trying to reframe it so that stuff we do together is positive. So we sometimes play fighting videogames together, or watch TV. If we're interacting socially, it counts as a win for me. Likewise, if he's gaming with friends, I don't object.

Not saying this particularly works .... but it's another way of looking at it

Yes, all true. He does a lot of sport in term time and he has done some every day. We do take him out. But I probably need to think of more

I try and weigh up DDs screen time against everything else she does. So during the holidays there can be a lot of screen time, similar to what you’re saying, as well as that fascination with staring at YouTube too.

During term she has various clubs and activities and is doing well at school so I remind myself it’s the holiday, she’s a child, she’s allowed to relax. And then, as others say, plan some stuff that gets her out the house for a bit. Unlimited gaming time is allowed on the proviso that when I say we’re going for a walk, playing a board game, cooking dinner etc she comes and does it without complaining.

She's too young for TikTok but YouTube Shorts is limited on her phone.

Another family here who did not enforce limits to no obvious detriment but every child is different. Dh works in IT and used to game himself when younger so consoles, iPads etc heve always been around our house.

When ours were younger we did notice that the children in families where there were strict rules tended to become a bit obsessed when they came to visit us.

How about suggesting to your Ds that you have a trial month with no time limits and if this has no negative effects on his homework and other activities you can extend?

Hi, sorry you are struggling. I wouldn't worry about anecdotal correlation between restrictions and how the child turns out as each one is different. Some people are more prone to addiction than others , some regulate bette etc. I would find some reliable factual information about what excessive gaming, use of social media etc do to the brain and share it with the child and explain that he should learn to be the one in control of his attention and not let the tech companies dictate how he uses his time because they are designed to make him want more and make money in the process. He'll probably understand although he won't like it. Then with your husband and child set up some limits, explain that it is your responsibility to make sure he is healthy etc. Good luck, it's such a tricky age!

Fellow teen screen addicts mum here. Mine all have time limits as they can't self regulate plus wifi has a time limit. School days it's 2 hours per day. Weekends it's set at 4 hours but I do increase if we aren't going anywhere. I try to balance them with their hobbies on evenings and weekends. I don't include TV in this as they like to watch stuff with us.
Easter it went to pot and as we were all sick so screen time was unlimited. But we all did a screen free weekend at the end to detox a bit.

We sat down and I showed them the auto limits I set. They don't moan or push back now. Though oldest dc does love a good moan lol

BTW me and dh struggle to regulate phone time so no wonder dc find it hard