Me and 13 yr old: The constant, awful battle over screen time

[Bellballbune]

NC for this.

I wrote a long, detailed post and then erased it. There seemed no point in such elaborate detail when the headlines are clear:

• I’m a fairly controlling mum about screen. I think 4/5 hours in the holiday gaming (plus his phone with him most of the day until he must leave it downstairs at 8pm) is fine. Plus, episodes in evening on TV as a family
• He can’t bear being restricted. Wilful, combative, relentless over wanting more - all the time
• Dh who agrees with me but is easier going and enjoys watching sports in evening on TV and likes DS watching with him - so doesn’t care that he’s just come off hours of gaming onto more screen.

i know I need to find a better approach rather than a shrill, stern reproachful way of trying to coax DS off. I know I’m not handling it well. I do try to offer different things - board games, cooking etc - but his interest is minimal. His interest in everything is minimal. He just wants to chill! All the time. It drives me fucking insane.

He does do some sport and he will go to the park with his friends for a bit but that’s it.

I’m worried about the level of screen usage and addiction. I’m worried im failing him as a parent. He used to be so engaged in tons of stuff.

And I actually just hate family life at moment as it revolves around all this and DH and I just end up arguing over my approach and how I’m getting it wrong. It is so boring! And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.

i dream of running away….

Any thoughts?

I don’t think you’re a nag, OP. Screens are damaging for children (and probably adults too). They affect the way their brains work, reducing their ability to focus and concentrate, eg on reading or tasks.

In addition, they’re addictive, anti-social, and keep them from doing other activities. Speak to your son and explain exactly why you’re concerned.

When I was his age my parents were also concerned with how much time we watched TV. They ended up changing the electric output of our TV so we had to use an adapter in order to watch it. To get this adapter we had to sign a log book with the time and programme we wanted to watch, and we could only watch 2hrs per day.

This whole process was so long and tedious we ended up just not watching tv. And that's when I got really into art, and other creative hobbies, which I'd never had done if I'd watched so much TV. Even at the time I did appreciate my parent's efforts!

Mine isn’t. But these kids genuinely are. Upper middle class parenting maybe? Loads of money thrown into various activities, private music lessons since the ages of 3, two very articulate parents who have grown up conversations around the table, public school education…

I have to say Op - I don't think you sound controlling - 4 to 5 hours a day in holidays at 13? how is it controlling?! As you say - he is also on a phone/ watchign crap on there as well.

We have lost sight of how much screen time kids are racking up.

People saying 'it is his holiday let him relax' - a 13 year old doesn't need to 'chill' all the time - their bodies need to move and be in the fresh air! We are animals - sitting/ being sedentary is a known major risk factor for heart disease and ill health generally. They sit all day at school - they really really don't 'need ' to sit for hours gaming as well.

Yes, let them enjoy a bit of it but in balance

NRTFT - because I got to this post and this is the advice you need. Couldn’t agree more.

By the time he is Yr10 he will probably be doing school work for hours a day and it’s likely to involve screens. It then gets unrealistic to have ‘screen time limits’ unless they discount the school work. In the sixth form everything here is online, even in class (unless art etc). Plus they start to reach an age where rules about phone use seem like whole different ballgame. Maybe some transitional house rules now that make him feel more grown up would ease things. I do know how you feel about screen time but it becomes more part of school work and then does need a rethink

Just want to say, you are not alone, I think this is the case with lots of boys that age. We certainly have the same battles with our nearly 13 DS! He has a limited social life as his friends all do a sport that takes a lot of their time outside school so when he jumps on a call to play Xbox just before bed I’m always torn between wanting him off the devices and happy he’s having a laugh with friends. We have limits on apps, such as TikTok because that’s the worse kind of screen time IMO, watching mindless videos and we constantly encourage (nag) him to do other things….it ranges from polite suggestion to screaming I am going to throw them out the window when it gets really bad! 🙈🤣

Teacher here, too & I wholeheartedly agree!!

Finally, managed to get into my account. Thanks for reading my posts from the other account.

lots of great advice here - my biggest takeaway is that I’m not wrong to be concerned. It’s made me hunker down in my determination to set strict boundaries, even if he doesn’t like it. So, thanks for reinforcing my backbone!

I just did a quick google on risks of sedentary lifestyle in teenage years - the risks are very well known and researched. Even an extra hour of sitting per day is unhealthy

https://www.news-medical.net/news/20200211/A-sedentary-lifestyle-increases-the-risk-of-adolescent-depression.aspx

We have teenagers who are 'as sedentary as 60 year olds' (not good)

Sitting more each day is a high risk factor for being a depressed adult.

Teens do not need to 'chill out' for 8 hours a day in a chair gaming. Let's get real...

I think you do need to implement some boundaries, even if these are different from what you initially thought.
If you don't want a strict time limit on screens and it's causing issues, you could consider:

• setting time limits on individual apps via parents controls, so he can't argue with you about them
• setting a limit on where the gaming or screens are allowed within your home (eg only allowing screentime in the living room, or no phones upstairs, if he's gaming on a desktop computer' laptop moving it to a communal space or office away from his bedroom)
• making screentime something which is earned (eg you cook dinner for the family and earn two hours, you sort a kitchen cupboard out and it's 20 minutes per cupboard)
• you allow unlimited screentime after certain things are done, so for example you say 'you have to take the dog for a half an hour walk every day, you have to read 20 pages of a book, have done all your homework, you have to do something creative, you have to do the washing up. After that you can have as much screentime as you like, but non until those things are done'
• Setting a daily limit and then reducing the next days time when a fight is put up about coming off it (so if it takes ten minutes of arguing about it, next day reduces by say 20 minutes)
• Setting a weekly limit and allowing the child to manage it themselves

If you're fixed on 5 hours a day (which I think is actually very generous), then you need to enforce it. There probably won't be a quick easy win on how you do this, but reducing tomorrows time by how many reminders or how long it takes him to come off it may be useful.
Or by something like shouting up the stairs at ten minutes to go 'Ben, you've only got max ten minutes left on your game, get to a save point soon. I'll shout up again at one minute to go, then the internet will be turned off' and then following through on it.

It might also be useful to separate alone screen time, or gaming screen time from family watching TV time, so not counting watching a sports match with dad in the living room in his limits. You could also mix it up and get DH on board by perhaps suggesting that they go watch some live sport, even if it's just a local club.

I think if your approach has been limiting his screen time all along it’s an idea to open the conversation to what he thinks is the solution, but seeing it through. Definitely get your other half on side, whatever approach you choose going forward.

I agree with what you say, OP, in that it depends on the child as well. My boy is 11. We never limited sweets for example, just talked about healthy eating. He is very self-limiting. He’ll choose fruit before anything else and once he’s had a bit of chocolate or some sweets, he just stops.
Similarly we bought the first iPad during Covid, never limiting usage and he used it for school work mainly. But also to learn about capybaras (they eat their own poop for nutritional purposes, you see), learn everything there is to know about all the Pokemon (over 1000 now, don’t you know) and write his own stories.
He walks home alone from school now, so had his first phone in September. My only rules were: we’re allowed to check it when we ask him to and it stays downstairs to charge when he goes to sleep. Again - so far not an issue.
He plays outside a lot with the neighbours’ kids and our dogs. He builds Lego for ours, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that changes when he starts senior school. He does very well in school and is in his fourth year of drumming lessons. He loves music. He had a wobble with that last year and I said, since it’s his only extra curricular I’d prefer he carried on. We compromised on changing music schools to see how it goes and he’s loving it.

I’ve no plans to enforce new rules unless his behaviour changes worryingly. Teenage sit in your room and do your own shit-behaviour seems normal. 😂

Does he have any interests (like music or sports) that he might try his hand at? You know, something he’s expressed interest in but hasn’t tried?

Have you tried playing into his interests? Challenging him to learn to build a gaming pc (see what works how etc?) or get him into coding, which might actually help with a future career? Just throwing ideas around!

Sending hugs! 💻🕹️

I think you’ve got it about right. We live in a world of screens. You’re limiting it, encouraging and aware. Don’t push too hard and be too hard on yourself. Your child seems to have a fair and realistic time spent online.

I think those parents who say “I didn’t enforce any limits and my kids self regulate anyway” just got lucky with their kids.

They didn’t need boundaries because they have naturally self regulating kids, rather than the other way round - I very much doubt the kids learned self regulation because of having no boundaries.

I agree with PP that hours and hours of screen time has all sorts of negative effects, many of which we are only just starting to realise. You are doing the right thing. Set up screen time limits, have a list ready of other things he can do, and stick to your guns.

Hopefully soon he will meet up with mates more as he gets a bit older so that may help cut back on screen time.

I do understand what you’re trying to achieve OP I really do.

It does feel like fighting a losing battle though. Also I’m the worst for this and my whole job involves staring at a laptop screen all day 🙈

What I’m saying is don’t be too harsh on yourself. We live in a « screen » world!

You are right to worry. And trying to raise a good man.

kids age would be helpful. But let’s assume it’s over 12.

family meeting. Everyone is responsible for two dinners a week, and two other clean ups. Get the kid cooking.

y’all dedicate an hour a night to one another. Ie you have two hours, one with son, one with hubby. They can be moved, kid has sports Monday, well you get two hours for a better board game Friday.

it doesn’t sound like you’re being appreciated, and that sucks. Leads to many more shitty feelings.

But WHY!?

Why does he have a smart phone at 13?
Why does he have a tablet?
Why does he have the games consoles?

I think by buying all this tech for him you’ve kind of set yourself up 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can you just remove the tech? Fake a break in and say it all got stolen, you’re waiting on the insurance to come through before you replace it all etc 🤣 Then you can wean him off it all…

Or just keep changing the WiFi password and pretend you don’t know what’s going on 😅

Yes yes, lie to your son. Fake a break in. That’s the solution. Rather than keeping, especially at this age, the lines of communication open.

unless you are actively doing something as a family leave him alone and just take his phone at bedtime. he is 13. They are rarely interested in anything and going through puberty so low moods are common. Forcing him into faux fun will just make his mood worse.

wtf??? most kids now at that age have some kind of device. If they don't it's would be a disadvantage. The whole world of school, college and work rely on electronics and media. This is a bit stupid he isn't 5 years old

I cannot recommend enough a book called Stolen Focus by Johan Hari. Terrifying about effect of smart phones and social media, but empowering too. I was a journalist for nearly 30y, and can be critical of scantily researched scaremongering etc., but this book is v thorough, and he does a very good job of making it accessible. I'm listening on Audible, but have also bought the book for me and my sister. It makes me want to march in the streets.

That aside, I try to focus less on having a smartphone etc., but how and when it's used. If my kids are using phones more than 20m it gets quickly harder to prise their brains back into the real world. Children are also different: my usually obedient and good natured son quickly becomes an irritable, sneaky cross head; my stroppy 13yo daughter is much easier to stop.

Good luck. We are a generation blessed and cursed with this technology. I wish I'd had my kids 10-20y earlier, and been spared all this.

That sounds interesting. Does it have a child development and parenting slant too? I feel like that’s what is needed. The problem and the solutions.

The title of the thread says he's 13..

@Emotionalsupportsnail there are solutions, yes. I've not finished the book (2/3 through), but there are experts giving specific advice (and they really are experts), and the author talking about how to change things. I think more change stuff is on the way. I really get militant when I began listening to this part. In short, yes, it doesn't just scare you, it tries to empower you too.

Automated restrictions. We have start time plus cut off at certain time at night, or will cut out earlier if they’ve gamed over a certain number of hours.
saves arguments. There was grumbling when introduced but just a few days.
also all consoles downstairs, not in bedrooms.