Me and 13 yr old: The constant, awful battle over screen time

[Bellballbune]

NC for this.

I wrote a long, detailed post and then erased it. There seemed no point in such elaborate detail when the headlines are clear:

• I’m a fairly controlling mum about screen. I think 4/5 hours in the holiday gaming (plus his phone with him most of the day until he must leave it downstairs at 8pm) is fine. Plus, episodes in evening on TV as a family
• He can’t bear being restricted. Wilful, combative, relentless over wanting more - all the time
• Dh who agrees with me but is easier going and enjoys watching sports in evening on TV and likes DS watching with him - so doesn’t care that he’s just come off hours of gaming onto more screen.

i know I need to find a better approach rather than a shrill, stern reproachful way of trying to coax DS off. I know I’m not handling it well. I do try to offer different things - board games, cooking etc - but his interest is minimal. His interest in everything is minimal. He just wants to chill! All the time. It drives me fucking insane.

He does do some sport and he will go to the park with his friends for a bit but that’s it.

I’m worried about the level of screen usage and addiction. I’m worried im failing him as a parent. He used to be so engaged in tons of stuff.

And I actually just hate family life at moment as it revolves around all this and DH and I just end up arguing over my approach and how I’m getting it wrong. It is so boring! And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.

i dream of running away….

Any thoughts?

I have two sons, 21 and 18. By 13 they had mostly lost interest in board games and cooking. They did however both play sport every weekend and had training during the week. They also did scouts. We also had lots of fun days out at weekends away from the home (although could be expensive) and went camping, but granted, easier to do that sort of thing with two so they had each other.

I agree with removing the limits other than a "it stops" time in the evening.

Alongside that he needs chores and responsibility so he learns to manage his time on screens.

So in holidays he has 3 jobs a day.
If you need to run errands he can help you but agree what time you'll go out in advance.
If he doesn't make lunch or whatever he goes hungry and dinner is set time at table and you're expected to sit there regardless of if you eat.

My trick has always been to unplug router when we go out. So when we get back from somewhere ds can't immediately seek his screen and he has to unpack and sort out his stuff before it's plugged back in.

With regards chorea give him set jobs but don't nag him about when they are done.
If they aren't not done say nothing. Again - unplug router before bed and just don't put it back. When he asks for windows just say "of course. I just need to do x, y and z (his undone chores) and when the jobs are done I'll have time to go and get it and plug it in"
The trick is to get them to realise if they just got on with what's needed life is better

Some people learn better by natural consequences. My ds did.

I will add though my son is an athlete who still spends masses of time on screens on his late teens but trains 21 hours a week and is developing an app as well as working.

I’m amazed so many people think 4-5 hours a day on screens is ok and OP shouldn’t worry so much. That is a really unhealthy amount of time for a 13 year old.

A close relative bought DS a PlayStation for Christmas. Fortunately I intercepted the gift before DS opened it and returned it my relative, thanking him for his generosity (couldn’t get my head around how expensive PlayStation’s are!) but explaining I didn’t want my 8 year old to have a Games Console. I was called ridiculous by family members but I’m happy with my decision.

These consoles have turned many kids into monosyllabic zombies, incapable of entertaining themselves without a screen.

Games Consoles, social media apps etc are built for addiction. The clue is in the fact that many of their creators and Silicon Valley execs do not allow their own children to access these devices and platforms. They know exactly how harmful they are.

Please come back and post again when you're 8 year old is 13. At 13 your entire social life is on your phone. Online gaming is a huge hobby. And you cant control what a teen does in the same way as you can an 8 year old.

I also don't think that anyone is saying that 4-5 hours a day of screen time is great - more that it's important to break down what type of screen time it is (watching film with dad is different to gaming is different to social media) and that 4-5 hours during the holidays in the context of what sounds like a pretty full and varied set of hobbies and activities is not worth getting into shouting matches over.

@shepherdsangeldelight if you can’t control a 13 year old, you have zero chance for the future.

my 15 year old relative became addicted to snap and other SM app, parents never got it under control or even monitored properly. Developed anxiety and stopped going to school. Said she had panic attacks at school. Three school changes later and she is now 18, quit going to school all together with zero GCSEs, is in an addiction clinic with an eating disorder and addiction problems. Never had any boundaries or had to follow any rules.

I'm pretty strict with screen time and I know that if I hadn't been, my dc would have done really badly at school. I didn't include tv as they were always watching decent stuff but I am way stricter than you.
Being strict forced them to do other things which at that age included tv, airfix, Lego, bike rides, chores, help with diy, schoolwork and reading.

Mine would never have been high achievers but they achieved decent enough grades to progress and are doing well academically with dc1 in university.
Im convinced this wouldn't have happened if I'd given them no restrictions. They'd be the type who'd throw their chances away.

You know your child op so stick with it.
What I found helped was a bit of education about why too much gaming and TikTok isn't good and let them know why you're doing it and it's way too important an issue for you to back down.

Thank you, I appreciate this post

Just to add, ds1 is really grateful now that I limited his gaming time and tells ds2 that.
As long as you keep talking to them, having fun and do all the things that keep a positive connection, you'll be fine.

@Bellballbune I also used to say I love you enough to piss you off and put in boundaries and rules for you. I am not your friend I am your parent and I will be on your back about homework and doing it to a high standard, I will test your revision and if needed we will cut your internet connection. Dh is in IT so our router is a bought one and we can cut individual devices whilst leaving ourselves connected if needed.

I think helping children understand how addictive stuff is designed to be, The Social Dilemma is still on Netflix and I know that is more screen time but watch that as a family.

What are offering in place of screen time ?

Are you expecting him to magically come up with something more exciting or are you spending time with him

What is he meant to replace his screen time with

Does he have friends and neighbours he can see at the stop of a hat etc

You do sound like a complete nightmare of a nag though when all anyone wants to do is chill out during the holidays and do what they want not what you seem to want

Read The Anxious Generation. Its shocking.

At some point he needs to learn to self-regulate. At 13 I would consider a different approach. As l9ng as homework is done, eats with family, goes yo bed at agreed time then I would give him an opportunity to try and regulate it himself. This is the approach I have taken with mine and they all grew out of the constant gaming phase.

Agree.

No answers but your post could have been written by me.
Exactly the same issue, daughter hates me as a result.
I feel she really is addicted, when I try to take it away she is completely enraged.
Will keep saying 'yes I'm coming off', 'I'm just finishing' but will never stop.
Even when having a shower she pretends she is listening to an audiobook so she has her phone and then runs the shower and plays on the phone instead.

I do wonder if there are some who just can't moderate themselves (a bit like an alcoholic with alcohol) and those who can.

Gosh surprised by the responses on here! I agree with you; screen time should be limited and it is an issue that your DH needs to get on board with. 4-5 hours is hardly draconian. My 13y o has totally lost her world of reading since getting into her phone. She has been allowed tik tok since she turned 13 and has already recognised (after many comments from me!) that she needs a break from it. It only lasted a few days but it was something. She is also aware that it might be taken away if we feel she is on it too much. Term time is fine because she is soo busy she has little opportunity. Like you it’s the holiday where she has a habit of being glued, which ultimately makes her unhappy. It also restricts her from wanting to engage with us, play board games etc.

I’m still finding strategies but some things we do which work: no screens after dinner, family tv is OK. They always have 11 hours off at night, depending on what time lights are out. Regularly saying, in x amount of time we’re having a screen break. Sometimes it’s for a reason (mine have music practice) sometimes it’s not. I am very open that I am worried about how much screen time they have. My 11y o is particularly affected and will be in a terrible mood if he has too much-we point this out (often the following day as there’s no point enraging a bull) so that he can recognise this himself. Sometimes holidays can be really bad for screens, I have done no screens during 9-3 (didn’t really work as they woke up early), and no screens before midday (also didn’t work-they’d lie in bed all morning and then game massively in a block all afternoon, which imo is worse than a few in the am and a few in the pm).

So, articulate with DH what your concerns are, get him on the same page, and then don’t feel bad about enforcing some rules with your son. It might be an idea to sit him down and say that you are concerned about too much screen time, and were thinking of x or y as an idea to limit it, and asking which of these options he prefers. That way he understands screen limits are happening, but has an input around how it does.

There's a massive difference between being a walkover parent that doesn't nothing but want to be their friend and what the OP describes - she says herself she is controlling, nagging, not handling it well and thinks her son will hate her for how she's dealing with it badly.

It's not binary. You can still parent well without being a controlling bitch that everyone wants to stay away from.

We have no restrictions. Not sure if this is the right approach but it works for us. Generally at weekends and holidays we're out and about so that places a natural limit on screen time. On the rare days we're at home all day (say it's a rainy day or something) then yes, they probably do spend too much time in their screens but I feel it's balanced out by other days.
If I feel they've spent too much time on screens in one particular day I'll suggest an activity to break it up "Let's make biscuits, let's play cards, let's invite your friend over" etc. They're usually quite willing to do something else (I think sometimes they're actually a bit bored of looking at the screens and welcome another suggestion!).
I can't be doing with battles though. Exhausting for them and me! Also hypocritical as when I'm bored I'll be on a screen.
Why not try lifting restrictions and see what happens? Couple it with making an effort to have more family trips out (even if it's just going to Pizza Hut on a rainy day or whatever, just spending time together).

Op... take me with you 😭

Is this still you OP? It sounds like it is with a name change. If so, you really don't sound like you've anything g to worry about. It sounds like he just wants a chill out holiday with less structure (haven't you ever gone on holiday and just vegetated? And really needed it?)

He still sounds like he's done loads of stuff this holiday without you structuring his time.

I'm so glad someone else has said this. My 11 year old loves watching iPad for gaming, FaceTime calls while playing Fortnite ( does anyone else feel like they have a constant FaceTime going in the holidays! ) Roblox etc. we stopped restrictions but asked him to aim for 3-5 hours a day. We check it in the evening and he's so pleased if he's managed it . This is actually better as he's in control. Plus he's stopped watching you tube ( as it's a waste of his screen time in his opinion)

Yes, this is still me, the OP - apologies - I had a different name when posting from my phone.

I have this argument with dh.
"He needs to get off his screens" says Dh, whilst staring at a screen.
"OK, well what are you going to do with him? You don't just suddenly feel like reading or whatever as soon as you stop gaming"
"Who? Me? Oh, I've got to start tea/ go for a run/ spend an hour on the toilet. Leave him a bit longer"

To be fair, dc learned very young that when we say time's up, time is up. Any resistance was met with an instant ban. I've never argued with the dc; I just go straight to a sanction. It's worked though. Dc1 is 14 and the only restrictions are all devices off at 9pm and phone to me. If I suspect he'll try and game when we're asleep, I take the controllers to bed with me.

He tends to game/screen because he has nothing else he wants to do. He lives in a house full of books, musical instruments, craft materials. He has 2 active parents. He could learn languages in his phone. But none of it interests him. Maybe this is his rebellion.

That's amazing for you but did you read the OP? She wouldn't have needed to post in the first place of her son was good at self regulating! Absolutely pointless brag.