Me and 13 yr old: The constant, awful battle over screen time

[Bellballbune]

NC for this.

I wrote a long, detailed post and then erased it. There seemed no point in such elaborate detail when the headlines are clear:

• I’m a fairly controlling mum about screen. I think 4/5 hours in the holiday gaming (plus his phone with him most of the day until he must leave it downstairs at 8pm) is fine. Plus, episodes in evening on TV as a family
• He can’t bear being restricted. Wilful, combative, relentless over wanting more - all the time
• Dh who agrees with me but is easier going and enjoys watching sports in evening on TV and likes DS watching with him - so doesn’t care that he’s just come off hours of gaming onto more screen.

i know I need to find a better approach rather than a shrill, stern reproachful way of trying to coax DS off. I know I’m not handling it well. I do try to offer different things - board games, cooking etc - but his interest is minimal. His interest in everything is minimal. He just wants to chill! All the time. It drives me fucking insane.

He does do some sport and he will go to the park with his friends for a bit but that’s it.

I’m worried about the level of screen usage and addiction. I’m worried im failing him as a parent. He used to be so engaged in tons of stuff.

And I actually just hate family life at moment as it revolves around all this and DH and I just end up arguing over my approach and how I’m getting it wrong. It is so boring! And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.

i dream of running away….

Any thoughts?

Maybe the approach could be flipped. So, instead of rules around screens, the rules are around doing other things. For example, one hour of learning every morning (could be 15 mins x 4 subjects) plus 15 mins of reading before bed, plus 2x sport activity each week. Outside of those basic rules then the gaming is freely available. This works for us but I realise that each child is different.

Sorry I didn’t read all the replies yet as I’m a rush but I just wanted to say I totally get you op.

There are two different types of children when it comes to this and I think it is a massive issue for those of us with the second type, as the parents of the first type just don’t understand.

Type 1:
Capable if some level of self regulation. Yes they love gaming, yes there are arguments/issues at home about gaming, but they do retain other interests/friends/activities.
You could give them no limits and they would spend a lot of time in their computers but they would top to eat, sleep, play.

Type 2: no self regulation. Wouldn’t stop for anything. Complete absorbed in their games to the point where they feel their life is on there. Can’t go more than a few m utes without talking about the computer games to other people. Instinctive, emotional immediate reaction to you even approaching them to come off their computer. Noticeable decline in behaviour with increased time on it.

Type 2 need an adult to help them self regulate. They simply can’t help themselves any more than a crack addict can stop using. They need limits to help them.

I don’t know the answer OP. We go back and forth with our approach. But been on a solidly 2hours per day gaming, unlimited movies/tv with family for 6 months now. Every day is a battle . But we are on the same page.

Maybe if you compromise with your DH over the sport/tv you could get on the same page about limiting TikTok/YouTube/gaming?

He's 13, he's on holiday and not facing any major exams. He wants to chill.

I did a deal with my ds. He would eat all meals at table with me. Once a week he would make lunch & cook supper. He would be outside for at least an hour a day. He would maintain cleanliness. He was not allowed devices upstairs.

After that, I let him get on with it. It wasn't a battle I considered worth fighting.

Ds is now 15. He has GCSEs in the summer. He still does all of the above and he willingly does 2-3 hours revision a day. He isn't addicted. I don't think I've failed him.

Oh and we are doing “if you do x time of homework/playing with friends at park/karate/scouts, then you can have x time of your iPad per day”

I set limits on the devices, so I’m not imposing them. My 13yo has no social media, 45 minute limit on games on her phone, laptop has fewer restrictions but (like the phone) shuts down at 8.30 and doesn’t work again until the next morning.

Would agreeing those type of limits with your DH and setting them on the devices work better? Or would your DH just override them or blame you? If he would, I think you have a DH problem.

I am more relaxed in the holidays about screen time, as she’s so busy with school and sport in term time. But I do expect some other activities even if it’s just cooking supper, putting a wash on or other boring stuff, though ideally it’s meeting up with a friend or coming for a walk with me.

@Lovetotravel123 I think this is a good approach, thinking about what to add (sports), rather than what to take away (screens)

I use family link.

My DS (13) can get his phone turned on once he is up and dressed and had breakfast. He then gets 1 hour a day and then he can only access basic apps once his time is used up (homework app, email, duolingo etc...)

If he wants screen time he has to earn it doing other activities. If he wants 10 hours on his PS4 then he needs to do 10 hours of other stuff (art, reading, music practice, sportsm helping me etc...).

ANY sign of screen addiction and arguments over it is a 24 hour ban.

We have 2 days a week with NO gaming!!

It's called parenting and raising a balanced child. Too many lazy parents who let their children have unlimited screen time because it keeps them quiet and its an easy option.

There is a type 3. Those who go through stages of being type 2 and eventually learn to self-regulate. My godson used to get up at 5am to game before school. No restrictions from parents whatsoever. It lasted about 18 months and he grew out of it. He is hyper social, hyper focused on his music and spends very little time on screen now at the age of 16.

I have 3 DC (13,14 and 16), they are allowed 30 mins x 3 times a week on xbox. Phone is heavily regulated, they will ask me if they want to use their phone to message/call friends. No phones in evening and definitely no screens in bedroom.
Occasionally they ask for more ie want to play a game online with friends and I mostly agree.
They have sports a few evenings a week and are allowed watch TV from 6.30 - 8.15 when not playing sports. Yes TV is a screen but much preferable in my opinion.
Myself and DH regulate our screen time and never bring it in to the living room in the evening or bedroom.

Sorry OP the only advice I have is get agreement with your DH about what is acceptable and enforce it.

I leave my 12 year old to it mostly, but I do limit screen time during school days so, no screen time after 7pm.

My 12 year old DD, enjoys meeting friends, drawing but also enjoys playing roblox and watching youtube. I feel its a battle not worth having, its just what kids do nowdays.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, but you’re correct in restricting time.

When my daughter started running away with herself, I simply put the timer on so the phone shuts itself down. I presume this works on the games?

I told her what I’d be doing and why - end of story. During the holidays she gets a later time, then back to earlier on a school nights.

4/5 hours a day? AND after access to his mobile phone? !!!!!

The road that lies to madness.

He's 13 with a developing brain and emotions and has learnt already to go be seen if you take his devices away so that you will give in.

Remove altogether and get him involved in a sport and outdoor activities.

Catza

That’s very interesting that they grew out if it. There is hope. I think many don’t and I don’t think I have the nerves to wait to see if they do or they don’t. Even if they do, in the meantime they’ve lost a lot of school time and social development.

Too much exposure to electronic devices is linked an ink stain apply into the brain. The ink spreads and takes over.

Utter madness from parents today that give in to their children and they will regret it when the child becomes a dysfunctional adult.

I agree with setting limits on devices, it's so much less conflict if the device itself says time's up not you the parent. Also agree with adding different activities, family days out (doesn't have to be expensive ones) encouraging spending time with friends outside etc so it's not just saying what you can't do.

@Catza what decent parent allows that to go on for so long. Your godson was suffering all that time that no regulations were in place. I dont think this is a chance parents should take.

I used to be really strict about screen time, constant battle and arguments. It was draining for all of us. Sometimes I would dread coming home from work as I couldn't deal with the moods and arguments.

Now due to increasing work hours I'm not here to enforce it and tbh after being out of the hours 13hrs 3 days a week I'm not going to when I get home.

My 2 are 15 and 11, they do spend alot of time on screens socialising, or watching total crap. They also use them for homework or just to chill out the same as I do. They might watch rubbish on tik toc, I spend time reading mumsnet or playing crappy word games. I cant tell them to cut screen time when I also sometimes need that escape and down time too. Why is mine ok but there's not?

Our house is calmer, and everyone is much happier now I'm not constantly going on about screen time. I save my mum voice for getting them to tidy up or finish homework!!

we are in same boat. DS would be on screen 24/7 - absolutely no self regulation. Theoretically DP and i are agreed on restrictions but he will not enforce them - so (given he is SAHP) i constantly find DS on screens when he is not supposed to be - going to have to strongly enforce the rules now- we struggled a bit as DS feels he needs a break after school but he can't just do 30 minutes and then come off so its going to have to be cold turkey.
the more actual activities the better - we have three evening activities a week and most of saturday and try and do family stuff on Sunday.
Its tricky though- i don't mind as much when he is interacting with friends (particularly when they are physically in the same room) but there are some games he plays when he can't emotionally detach.
Sometimes when he's off he's constantly trying to work out when he's allowed back on- other times he accepts it and actually does something different (drawing, yugioh trampolining) and its bliss!

Judging by the fact that both their kids are very articulate, academically successful with diverse sets of hobbies and interests and both have completely bypassed all the teenage hormone drama and have a beautiful relationship with their parents, I assume it wasn't such a harmful approach in the end.

I'd worry less about actual screen time and more on the following before worrying if there is a problem:

• are they happy, engaged and interested in things
• are they doing well at school
• are they getting the required amount of sleep for their age
• do they have friends
• do they have 1 or 2 interests outside the home
• are they polite (ignoring the usual teenager moods) to you and wider family
• do they engage in family activities
• do they do some exercise
• do they join you for meals, engage in conversation and eat well
• are they only using the internet for age appropriate stuff

If there's a no above - start working on that first and time away from screen is likely to be a consequence of doing other things like activity, school work or sleep. Focus on the need for these to be addressed for health and well being and not because you want them 'off screens'.

If it's a yes to the above then I wouldn't worry. Teenagers do need to learn how to regulate themselves and make mistakes so they learn from them. I have never forgiven my mother for how toxic she made our house growing up due to her incessant need to control us. I have minimal communication with her to avoid her trying to assert that level of control.

And if you are going to be controlling about screen time. I would make sure you stop screen time from you and your husband - nothing worse than a hypocrite in a teenagers eyes.

We are fairly strict with screen time and I think your big issue is not offering alternatives. At 13 they won't go and play I their rooms you need to be organising activities. Does he have any other hobbies? Mountain biking? Skateboarding? Climbing? Surfing? Could you do an escape room? Go hiking with a reward of hot chocolate at the end? Are you in a city? Could you do go to a museum?

I think if you are want screens off at 13 you probably need to make the entertainment.....that wouldn't have been the case when I was growing up, I would've just gone out with my mates but this is how kids socialise now....and many kids are just not encouraged out by parents.

With my son (now 14) we haven't had any hard rules about screens but went with the "keep them busy" approach suggested already by one or two posters.

I used to think my son was too busy with activities and his life too structured but then his favourite thing ever became "hanging around down the park" and while that is fine now and then on a nice day he wanted to go daily and in all weathers. I was worried that too much hanging around would lead to mischief/trouble and terrified he would get hurt/attacked. So I have decided to keep up lots of structure while we can.

I'm curious why you said OP that you have a child that is not suitable for scouts? It's active games, chippy walks, cooking on fires, home made water slides on hills etc. What's not to like? And for £12 a month! Thank you Scout leaders!

Local chess club (free) learned to play by using chess kid on the ipad.

My son is into playing music (although lessons £££) he self taught the first two years using simply piano on an ipad and a cheap keyboard - but knock on effect of playing opens up free/cheap open mic nights, band practices, orchestra, practice at home.

Duo lingo - lots of kids I know like to do a few minutes of this each day snd "keep their streak".

Park run - not been over winter (free)

Other ideas we do now and then: swimming, bikes (not me but with his dad), family walk somewhere.

If they have one activity in an evening by the time they have tea, homework etc not too much time for screens before putting them away for bedtime.

I think even when kids are on screens you can sometimes tell them also to get off tic-tok type content and for example use duo lingo, watch you tube etc of something they are interested in that is educational like different countries, learn a skill e.g. chess kid, simply piano, guitar learning app, digital art, programming, making websites. Playing games with mates online is social and they can have to work through conflicts in games like minecraft.

All that said coming out of a long rainy winter has been a challenge to stay busy in the holidays as nothing much to do outside.

You said your child plays a sport OP. Do they love their sport? Can you get them playing at organised venues regularly to keep them busy and socialise?

Thanks all, lots of thoughts to mull over

the problem is that it’s such a divisive issue and there’s no obvious solution

Do you have teens?

I would try to get him a holiday/weekend job. Most kids like earning money. Can you ask the neighbours if they have any chores they'd like done? Do any of them have younger kids he could help with?

I probably wouldn't trust a child his age to watch young children independently but I'd love it if we had a teenage boy round the corner who could come and amuse my 7yo for a bit. We get next door's 17yo sometimes when we're desperate (she's studying childcare and very sweet and lovely) but she takes her responsibility to "enforce" wholesome fun in our house very seriously and 7yo is polite but unenthusiastic. He loves older boys though. In a year or so, I'd be happy for him to go to the park with a responsible 13yo.