Me and 13 yr old: The constant, awful battle over screen time

202 replies

Bellballbune · 10/04/2024 07:34

NC for this.

I wrote a long, detailed post and then erased it. There seemed no point in such elaborate detail when the headlines are clear:

I’m a fairly controlling mum about screen. I think 4/5 hours in the holiday gaming (plus his phone with him most of the day until he must leave it downstairs at 8pm) is fine. Plus, episodes in evening on TV as a family
He can’t bear being restricted. Wilful, combative, relentless over wanting more - all the time
Dh who agrees with me but is easier going and enjoys watching sports in evening on TV and likes DS watching with him - so doesn’t care that he’s just come off hours of gaming onto more screen.

i know I need to find a better approach rather than a shrill, stern reproachful way of trying to coax DS off. I know I’m not handling it well. I do try to offer different things - board games, cooking etc - but his interest is minimal. His interest in everything is minimal. He just wants to chill! All the time. It drives me fucking insane.

He does do some sport and he will go to the park with his friends for a bit but that’s it.

I’m worried about the level of screen usage and addiction. I’m worried im failing him as a parent. He used to be so engaged in tons of stuff.

And I actually just hate family life at moment as it revolves around all this and DH and I just end up arguing over my approach and how I’m getting it wrong. It is so boring! And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.

i dream of running away….

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

VividHedgehog · 02/06/2025 09:11

gellowbelow · 10/04/2024 09:09

I'd worry less about actual screen time and more on the following before worrying if there is a problem:

are they happy, engaged and interested in things
are they doing well at school
are they getting the required amount of sleep for their age
do they have friends
do they have 1 or 2 interests outside the home
are they polite (ignoring the usual teenager moods) to you and wider family
do they engage in family activities
do they do some exercise
do they join you for meals, engage in conversation and eat well
are they only using the internet for age appropriate stuff

If there's a no above - start working on that first and time away from screen is likely to be a consequence of doing other things like activity, school work or sleep. Focus on the need for these to be addressed for health and well being and not because you want them 'off screens'.

If it's a yes to the above then I wouldn't worry. Teenagers do need to learn how to regulate themselves and make mistakes so they learn from them. I have never forgiven my mother for how toxic she made our house growing up due to her incessant need to control us. I have minimal communication with her to avoid her trying to assert that level of control.

And if you are going to be controlling about screen time. I would make sure you stop screen time from you and your husband - nothing worse than a hypocrite in a teenagers eyes.

This is the best answer so far. It approaches them as a whole, not just focusing on 'screen time' - I completely understand all the responses - that's why I was looking for this thread - but for me it is about how they are existing in the world and balance.

Griefandwithdrawing · 02/06/2025 09:38

I agree with you that it's about the child. Some will be fine with no restrictions. Most I fear, will not.

I see a huge difference in my 10yo of I let her play 3hours solid of video games. She struggles to self regulate in most areas of life and screens are no different. I try and get her to see how she feels after that and how that compares to something like going for a walk or seeing friends. She recognises the screens don't feel good after but they are so addictive for us al - not just kids.

I don't know the answer though and half the battle is defending your decision against other children whose parents do allow unrestricted screen time.

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