Me and 13 yr old: The constant, awful battle over screen time

[Bellballbune]

NC for this.

I wrote a long, detailed post and then erased it. There seemed no point in such elaborate detail when the headlines are clear:

• I’m a fairly controlling mum about screen. I think 4/5 hours in the holiday gaming (plus his phone with him most of the day until he must leave it downstairs at 8pm) is fine. Plus, episodes in evening on TV as a family
• He can’t bear being restricted. Wilful, combative, relentless over wanting more - all the time
• Dh who agrees with me but is easier going and enjoys watching sports in evening on TV and likes DS watching with him - so doesn’t care that he’s just come off hours of gaming onto more screen.

i know I need to find a better approach rather than a shrill, stern reproachful way of trying to coax DS off. I know I’m not handling it well. I do try to offer different things - board games, cooking etc - but his interest is minimal. His interest in everything is minimal. He just wants to chill! All the time. It drives me fucking insane.

He does do some sport and he will go to the park with his friends for a bit but that’s it.

I’m worried about the level of screen usage and addiction. I’m worried im failing him as a parent. He used to be so engaged in tons of stuff.

And I actually just hate family life at moment as it revolves around all this and DH and I just end up arguing over my approach and how I’m getting it wrong. It is so boring! And I’m scared DS will just hate me soon enough.

i dream of running away….

Any thoughts?

One of the arguments I used with my Dc was "I'd love to watch Netflix and eat crisps all day but what kind of life do you think we'd have if I just did what I want?"
Leading in to a discussion or monologue of what that kind of life might actually look like, going to the worst extremes as possible obviously.

@paranoidmumdroid1 jumped the shark with the TED Talks there I'm afraid.

Thing is, unlimited screen time actually means that the kid usually isn’t obsessed with screens. We have never limited it and my daughter is not obsessed at all. Sure, she loves to play Roblox on FaceTime and she’ll watch YT Kids to chill but she’d rather do other things if they’re suggested.

She is home educated, intelligent, highly articulate and autistic.

There is so much educational value to screens that people just seem to ignore.

I was a teacher too and it’s a hard disagree.

I gave up with my 3 boys. I was a single parent. They all grew up fine and now do other things. The only thing that concerns me is that young people seem to get all their information off social media - they live in echo chambers.

Me too. I think that’s far too much!
TV in the evening wouldn’t both me though, especially sitting with a parent.

It’s just not good for anyone to be spending that much time in front of a screen either for their mental health, vision, vit D levels or intellectual development.
some children do self-regulate, most don’t.

just put a screen time limiter on his phone and tablet. Make it clear if he complains that he then will get the limit lowered to the following day.

(oh and yes, I do have teenagers)….

It’s a shame so many parents have been sucked into believing mobiles are indispensable for their children. We have convinced ourselves that they are essential for our kids social lives (not true and in many ways actually the opposite) and safety e.g. when they start going to school on their own. We choose to ignore the fact that before mobiles became ubiquitous, millions and millions of kids socialised perfectly well and travelled to and from school without being kidnapped.

I do appreciate it’s easier to control an 8 year old but I just would not allow a 13 year old to spend 5 hours a day gaming. That’s not ok. And it’s silly to tell the OP that it’s ok because it’s the school holidays. Her DS will find it increasingly difficult to restrict himself to fewer hours when school resumes if he’s allowed to game so much every time the holidays roll around. Is this the plan for the 6 weeks summer holiday as well? Apart from anything else, is no-one concerned about the impact to a child’s health from sitting in front of these flickering screens for hours?

Since most children of that age find it difficult to self regulate I would simply set a limit (an hour a day) and remove the phone and Console for the remainder of the day. But that seems to be tantamount to child abuse on MN.

Whilst I do think that 5 hours gaming a day is too much (- though I'm not sure anyone has said their child is doing this everyday?) I'm surprised that posters are shocked that others parent differently to them

Did you exclusively breastfeed for 6 months?
Do you strictly limit sweets & sugary snacks?
Feed your child a low UPF diet?
Ensure they take part in 60 mins exercise a day?

We're given lots of advice on how we should parent. I'm not going to judge someone who chooses not to have strict screen times. Yesterday it rained non stop where we lived. I'm sure plenty of kids, including mine were playing on their consoles for a good few hours. Today it's glorious so off to the park for the day. It's fine to have a bit of flexibility.

I totally get it as my kids are the same. They aren’t even teenagers yet. They are 9 and 11. All they want to do in the holidays is play Roblox and watch YouTube. Their friends are also playing Roblox, they link up on the game. They hate being restricted and get really upset when i stop them. I do understand them - I would hate it if I’m halfway through a tv program and someone stormed in and said you have 2 mins then we are going for a walk. So we do try and say after this episode finishes we..
I also worry about the impact of screen time but it appears most kids are the same these days.
in term time they are naturally restricted by school and other commitments so in the holidays I am letting it be pretty unlimited - but I do make sure that I book outings so that they have to put them down and we all go out together

This was a problem with SS from 12-15. During covid we really gave up the battle. Luckily at 17 he's lost interest by himself and got in to new hobbies.

The only things that really got him off it were films/cinema, lego, or trips out to things he was interested in (like going to London).

I recommend you stop restricting. I don't put restrictions on my DC and therefore they are not obsessed with screens the way many DC who are restricted are.

However if he has been used to restrictions for a long time there will be a period of adjustment when he will probably binge on it.

But once DC know they can use screens when they want they can relax and enjoy other things. If a DC knows they have an hour they tend to use every last minute of it. If they know they can use screens whenever they often use them less. With mine it ebbs and flows.

It’s obvious what’s going on. Your husband is undermining your parenting. Your son knows you have no teeth and knows your husband will let him get away with stuff. Because of this he doesn’t respect you. You have primarily a DH problem. You are not parenting as a team which means you are weak.

This is our approach too. While lots of parents who say they don't have restrictions are saying "my kids fine", well, a lot aren't. And I bet your children are looking at all sorts of stuff online. Porn, self harm and suicidal ideation, violence. At best they're seeing and experiencing things they're not equipped for. At worst, it's harmful.

I wouldn't really count watching sports on TV with his dad as screen time, (though I know it's technically a screen). it's an opportunity for them to spend time together discussing the game etc. Aside from switch off time at bedtime i have never limited screen time with my dc, as long as they get their homework etc done and go out with friends when the opportunity presents itself.

This is normal teenage behaviour. We have 'enforced family time' The name is a bit if a joke name but basically we have 1 to 2 hours at weekends where we do a family activity which means everyone has to do something together. The rest of the time they can choose what they do but all videos games off at 7pm , that way DS still feels like he can make his teenager choices He still moans about family time but just ignore him you can't win all the battles !

I don’t have any screen time limits. My sons have ASD so I know a bit different but I just don’t see the issue.

The older one (educationally and cognitively at expected levels for age) uses his screens in the holiday as he likes but it sparks other interests/conversations etc and he still reads, plays outside, paints his little models, assembles robots etc.

I pick my battles. They’re not rude or disrespectful, the older helps round the house, is exceptionally kind to his brother who is non verbal (and can be like his shadow).

Bigger fish to fry.

A question for those of you that don't have restrictions, how many hours in the day (on average) is your child on a screen (phone, console, tablet)?

This is our approach too. While lots of parents who say they don't have restrictions are saying "my kids fine", well, a lot aren't. And I bet your children are looking at all sorts of stuff online. Porn, self harm and suicidal ideation, violence. At best they're seeing and experiencing things they're not equipped for. At worst, it's harmful.

@BeauSignoles
You are conflating two different issues. It is possible to not enforce strict screen time limits whilst still taking a responsible approach by installing content filters, family link etc. My son is allowed to play on his games console but does not have internet access or social media.

There's definitely some unpleasant blanket judgements being made on this thread around parents that don't choose to stick to rigid limits.

On a school day I would say 1-2 hours. On a rainy day in the holidays maybe 4? A nice day like today probably 1-2.
I'm not counting family TV time eg watching a film in that.

I would stop worrying about him watching sport on TV with his dad. That’s not in the same category as the endless gaming. For that, I would absolutely enforce rules about how much and in what part of the house he’s allowed screen time. Maybe he can earn more screen time by doing other things? E.g. reading a book for an hour gets you another 30 minutes of screen?

Is that 4/5 hours for the whole entire Easter which us 2 weeks off or 4/5 a day?
Either way....he's 13 and past the toy stage. What do you think a a 13 year old wants to do when he's not earning enough money to actually do much. Every teenager plays computers because it's what they fund enjoyable.
Sure. ..introduce rules. Family night on a Friday night with board games and a film or Sundays you all must go and do something as a family together or Tuesday nights you both make dinner. But I'd definitely rather my son play the computer than hanging around outside getting involved with bad gangs and being an idiot. Also I remember at 13 ...the amount if people in secure relationships etc and drinking and smoking....give the boy a break. He's at home and being a 13 year old.

We have limits by enforcing other activities (though this costs money). If I’m taking them to the beach, for a long walk to a cafe, for lunch out, then they can’t be on screens all day. We also watch TV as a family which is less isolating, we also all read books. It is hard but I’ve not given up yet

Would it help to take the "watching sport with Dad" out of the screen time equation? If you did this then maybe your DH would be happier to be on the same page with you about agreeing screen time limits for other activities.

I'd say just chill out a bit, OP.

He just wants to chill! All the time.

This jumped out at me- of course he does. He's 13 and it's the school holidays- what else should he be doing?

Another one who doesn't restrict screen time here. It is possible to not restrict screen time and not have your kids looking at porn, self-harm etc as suggested up thread. Although if you think they aren't being shown that stuff by kids on the bus/at school you are very naive. No one in my house has phones upstairs at bed time and no one has a tv in their room either. How many parents on here being sanctimonious about kids screen time have TVs in their bedrooms and lie in bed scrolling through their phones? Both my kids have been able to self regulate and are both academic students. One at uni now and the other predicted high grades in his GCSEs next month. I know some kids can't self regulate but you won't know until you try it.