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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have challenged my boss over “blonde moment” comment?

200 replies

Monkeytrousers04 · 09/04/2024 20:04

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 09/04/2024 20:09

YANBU, OP. He sounds annoying. Maybe try another tack next time. Perhaps "as they said in that training session, we're not supposed to be saying that"

Allwelcone · 09/04/2024 20:11

Tricky. Sounds as if u don't like him and have jumped on this a bit. But yes not a great comment.

Can you make some jokey comment about someone else (not him) mansplaining? "So everyone, at the risk of mansplaining - if a woman can even do that- I'm just going to break down those figures/go through that graphic in a bit more detail".

Gets the term used in your workspace and people might start linking it to him.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/04/2024 20:13

Meanwhile, keep a diary of all the comments. If it ever gets to the stage that uou want to take it further, your diary will be useful evidence

honestybestpolicy · 09/04/2024 20:14

is the real issue that he said the blond comment or is it really that there is pent up frustration about this paragraph

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

id suggest that latter

the reality with work is you are not paid to be friends or to get along, if you have a genuine issue with someone in work you should always raise it one to one in a mutual setting to air the difference, if that doesn't work then that's what grievances or mediation are for.

iv attended tribunals in the past and have listened to things that were said in jest read out by a judge, that at the time were probably innocent but in a court room in a different setting they sound heatless. and that's the thing with banter or jokes, its funny or innocent until it offends someone, hence why company's are doing these training days now.

KoolKookaburra · 09/04/2024 20:20

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go next time I'd bring this up. Eg. So you know that training we had on inappropriate language, well I think I am duty bound to call you out here.

Though I don't see why it should fall on women to call it out

Orangewine · 09/04/2024 20:26

As a person with very blonde hair I do take it a bit personally when I hear the ‘ohh I had a blonde moment, I’m so ditsy hehe’ comments. I’m sure you’ll get told you’re wrong on here, but honestly it is really irritating and I have had people treat me as if I’m a bit dim before even knowing me, due to my hair! So I say well done on challenging him, especially as he has form for stupid comments.

honestybestpolicy · 09/04/2024 20:27

KoolKookaburra · 09/04/2024 20:20

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go next time I'd bring this up. Eg. So you know that training we had on inappropriate language, well I think I am duty bound to call you out here.

Though I don't see why it should fall on women to call it out

doesn't really fall under inappropriate language does it, its a well known phrase that woman them selves use all the time, in fact i don't think iv ever heard a man use it before.

and I'm sure men also have blond hair!

VivaDixie · 09/04/2024 20:29

YANBU, it is another example of a micro aggression. Well done for calling him out.

SeismicSalad · 09/04/2024 20:29

Monkeytrousers04 · 09/04/2024 20:04

Just that really. I pointed out a minor oversight that my supervisor made at work and his response was to say he had a “blonde moment”. This was all done via teams and in a main group chat. The rest of the team are all women. Four of whom have blonde hair, not that it really matters.

I replied to this saying “implying what?! haha” (my exact words as I was trying to keep it light as is our usually team banter). He replied with “I had a blonde moment”. So I said, “given there are four blondes on this team I’d be careful saying that”. He replied with “oh get real, its just a saying and I was directing it at myself”.

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies” or something else along those lines but no.

We recently all had to attend a mandatory in-person training course all about challenging inappropriate language and behaviour, following some bad press about the organisation being institutionally mysogynistic so I thought I’d give it a go. He has made similar comments before which I have let slide, but I know affected others in the team as we’ve discussed it in a side chat. No one else ever says anything though as they don’t want to rock the boat. One example is when he implied that I wasn’t a “normal woman” as I said I hated shopping.

As a team we basically carry him through his working day and generally turn a blind eye when he takes his 30 min break and returns over an hour later.

But in all honesty, he makes my working day miserable, often choosing to “mansplain” things to me, which I then have to correct as he’s got it wrong. Or completely ignores me or excludes me from team discussions as I might ask some tricky questions… basically, I think he finds me annoying and doesn’t seem to credit me with any intelligence at all.

I accept that what he said is not the most sexist thing a person can say and there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s these little side comments that often go unchallenged and for whatever reason I decided to take him on today, and subsequently lost.

Not something I’d say myself, but whether I’d consider it acceptable or not would probably depend on whether he’s blond?

Allwelcone · 09/04/2024 20:30

@honestybestpolicy "and I'm sure men also have blond hair!"
Yup one of them ran our country for a bit!
Blond men aren't treated the same in "banter" terms as blond women

WinterDeWinter · 09/04/2024 20:31

" its a well known phrase that woman them selves use all the time"

I think you don't understand how the patriarchy works, @honestybestpolicy.

You really think it's used to generalise and denigrate the intelligence of blonde men? Nah.

ImOddsAndEnds · 09/04/2024 20:33

Get a grip, seriously. I'm glad he didn't rise to or apologise for this bollocks.

Sincerely, a blonde woman

PerfectTravelTote · 09/04/2024 20:34

It doesn't really matter if people frequently use the phrase in their own time. Its not appropriate in the workplace.

PlasticOno · 09/04/2024 20:36

WinterDeWinter · 09/04/2024 20:31

" its a well known phrase that woman them selves use all the time"

I think you don't understand how the patriarchy works, @honestybestpolicy.

You really think it's used to generalise and denigrate the intelligence of blonde men? Nah.

Yes. OP, you were correct to challenge. The only way in which you have been unreasonable is not taking issue with his behaviour long before now. He’s a low-grade David Brent-style sexist dinosaur.

Foxblue · 09/04/2024 20:36

The fact he got defensive at being VERY POLITELY nudged by you, instead of going 'whoops', is a twat move (and unprofessional) - I was not surprised to read he's got previous.
You were not being unreasonable.
As I'm sure got covered in the sensitivity training, it's not about a small isolated joke, it's about the bigger picture.

ErrolTheDragon · 09/04/2024 20:36

Well done OP, at least you tried.

Sincerely, a blonde woman.

(And as a pedant, if he was referring purely to himself it should have been a 'blond moment', 'blonde' is the feminine version of the word. Grin)

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 09/04/2024 20:36

He isn't blond himself I take it.
I am blonde and when I have a moment where my mind goes completely blank, I have been known to say something about 'its a blonde moment'. Although these days it's more likely that I'll have a lost thought due to menopause!
Let's rewind my life by about 15 years. I used to be so offended at the whole blonde bimbo thing that I had my hair done in darker colours so I wasn't blonde any more. So I completely understand the potential offence you've challenged him on.

Nowayhayday · 09/04/2024 20:36

I agree with you OP. It's women I've heard using the phrase, and I wish they wouldn't.

WrenNatsworthy · 09/04/2024 20:37

I think there may be men on this thread so take care.

Sounds like he is a misogynistic arsehole and he was pissed off at being called out. It's fucking exhausting, and it is a micro aggression.

I echo the comments about making notes on his behaviour, if he is making you feel uncomfortable you are well within your rights to take it to HR.

Sounds like he's irked by your questions because you do have a brain.

I have a friend who works in the toxic world of recruitment and she faces this kind of shit daily.

Allwelcone · 09/04/2024 20:37

He does sound like a dick, I'd work on my techniques to get noticed career-wise which might bring things to a head.

Hopefully he's weaving his own rope, and will say or do something stupid. Just make sure you're 100% professional all the time but yes continue to call him out.

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 20:39

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies”

IMO it’s far worse to refer to a group of women as “ladies” than it is to refer to yourself as having a ‘blonde moment’. I agree with him get over it

ImOddsAndEnds · 09/04/2024 20:42

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 20:39

I thought he might respond with “oops, sorry ladies”

IMO it’s far worse to refer to a group of women as “ladies” than it is to refer to yourself as having a ‘blonde moment’. I agree with him get over it

Absolutely this.

Ohmy88 · 09/04/2024 20:44

Fgs the worlds gone mad

Fannyfiggs · 09/04/2024 20:45

ImOddsAndEnds · 09/04/2024 20:33

Get a grip, seriously. I'm glad he didn't rise to or apologise for this bollocks.

Sincerely, a blonde woman

If you're happy to be referred to as being stupid because of your hair colour, that's fine but it's unfair to tell others who don't like it 'to get a grip'.

It's not appropriate in the workplace any longer. Times are changing and it's prudent to keep up with these changes.

And if you're interested, it's no longer appropriate because it's horribly misogynistic. Women need to stick together to change the misogyny we encounter on a daily basis.

Fannyfiggs · 09/04/2024 20:48

Ohmy88 · 09/04/2024 20:44

Fgs the worlds gone mad

You're right, it's gone mad because women are now challenging the deeply ingrained misogyny in the world.

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